I wanna a opinion, my ex is a pwBPD???

[Godslike]

Let's start from the beginning. First, when I met her (21F), she had gotten out of a relationship about two months earlier. On the first and second date, things got intense. We had amazing sex, fetishes, and long conversations. After a month, she kind of let me know that she loved me, that I was the best person in the world, and that her ex was a narcissist, that he beat her, that he was toxic. After two months, we started dating. Then things started to get weird. Every two days, she would sulk and say that she didn't want to talk all day long, for no apparent reason. Then, she would go back to normal. She let me know that she was taking medication and that her psychiatrist had told her that she had borderline traits. The following month, she broke up with me twice, for 24 hours, saying that she was toxic and that she would make me suffer. I went after her both times and we got back together. During the relationship, she was jealous of seeing women on my Instagram feed, something I couldn't control, because I let her look at everything on my phone. She would sulk and cry, and wouldn't say a word for hours. She also had crying fits and seemed to be out of her body sometimes, even in good times. On one of those occasions, she tried to take her own life with medication. I took her to the hospital, stayed with her, and she thanked me a lot. Time went by and the silence over little things she thought were wrong (which weren't) grew. Her brother said that I would suffer with his sister, who was very problematic. This lasted about 7 months. On the 8th, she cried to me saying that she was obsessed with a guy, that she saw him at college, talked to him a little and became obsessed because he seemed violent. I hadn't researched much about borderline at the time. I thought it was a borderline obsession and that it would go away. She swore she hadn't done anything to him. A week later, she broke up with me and changed her mind the same day. Everything was fine for a week, until her dog died. She became distant and didn't talk much. I got her phone and she was talking to a guy about movies. She sent pictures of what she was watching. I questioned her about it. She got furious, kicked me out of her house, and didn't talk to me for a day. Three days went by and she broke up with me for good via text message. She said she wanted to get treatment. I just found out that she cheated on me (most likely with the guy she was obsessed with), and that 2 weeks after the breakup, she called the guy she was talking to to have sex. I haven't been in touch with her for 7 weeks. I want to understand if she's borderline or not. From an outside perspective, what do you think? (She also has blood fetishes, likes serial killers, has only one friend, said she liked to have sex with guys she was repulsed by, and later regretted it.
Today I saw her arriving by car late at night, she never did that (we live in the same condominium). It broke my heart

Today i  Thanks and sorry for the long post.

[Godslike]

Im also co-dependent, trying to heal with therapy, family, friends. All day i wake up with a strong anxiety, fellling abandoned *abandonment issues (due to childhood).

7 weeks NC, she cheated on me, and i still love her, i hate his feeling, its strong than a normal grief.

[HoratioX]

It's tricky if not unethical to diagnose someone from afar, especially when one doesn't have the credentials.

That said, so much of what you describe rings familiar, I'd say it certainly matches up to some if not many of my own experiences with my ex.

For history, my ex. saw several different therapists -- or so she said -- while we were together. I was able to get her to show me some of the paperwork she had, including diagnoses. Assuming they were authentic and not just something she download from the Internet or something, she had at various times been diagnosed with C-PTSD, anxiety, depression, ADHD, and BPD.

In talking with her, she seemed to confirm what the paperwork suggested, and the cache of medications she had to take matched up.

Of these diagnoses, all of the therapists seemed to confirm anxiety, depression, and ADHD. The rest was waffling on whether she only had that or had C-PTSD or BPD.

I've since read and talked with someone in the field about how many therapists are reluctant to diagnose BPD. There's more stigma to it, the success rates for treatment are lower, and apparently some insurance companies make it a hassle. So, diagnosing PTSD or C-PTSD is easier and more common, even if a therapist suspects the person might actually have BPD.

I say this because even if a licensed therapist ended up diagnosing your partner with one or the other, that doesn't necessarily mean that's what she has. To me, diagnosing, say, C-PTSD instead of BPD when the latter is suspected seems rather unethical, but apparently, there are enough considerations some therapists will, and even then diagnosing a mental illness is something more of an art anyway.

I want to point out, too, that sometimes after a break up with someone with BPD (etc.), we want to blame ourselves in some way. For instance, we might think if we were more patient or understanding or love them more or treated them (even) better and so forth, they wouldn't have left or cheated or lied to us or whatever. That's just not true. That's like blaming ourselves because a volcano erupted.

There's no way to predict how someone with BPD (etc.) is going to act on any given day. You certainly didn't wake up one day and expect your partner to break up with you. Whatever caused that was in her head. Likewise, you could do everything right and they'd still end up in the same bizarre place.

The wild card is how some people with BPD are able to get into long term relationships that, at least from the outside, seem more stable. Unless they get intensive therapy and work hard on it -- and even then -- such appearances are deceptive. There is great turmoil going on behind the scenes.

So, as you research things and try to piece together the events that happened and why, just keep in mind you're unlikely to ever get all the answers. Some of the answers you get will be wholly unsatisfying -- she's just mentally ill. It's that simple and that complicated. If you think you did something wrong, work on it, but don't beat yourself up otherwise. And even if it turns out she does have BPD (etc.), that's not likely to give you all of the insights you might be looking for. But if you keep in mind if she's mentally ill, she's operating in a different reality, you might feel better.

[Godslike]

Thank you!

Today a "a friend of mine" tells me that she is in a relationship with 2 peoples, all in a threesome... God...

[PeteWitsend]

... I want to understand if she's borderline or not. From an outside perspective, what do you think? (She also has blood fetishes, likes serial killers, has only one friend, said she liked to have sex with guys she was repulsed by, and later regretted it.


...

As HoratioX alluded to, it's not possible - even for a professional - to diagnose someone without seeing them.  And my understanding is that behavioral disorders take time to diagnose.  It's not something that's necessarily apparent right away, because: 1) BPD can often be comorbid with other behavioral disorders; and 2) some of the traits of BPD overlap with other disorders or mental problems.  Also people with BPD are notoriously bad at telling the truth, and impulse control, and so it may take a trained therapist several sessions to even begin to understand what's going on with them.

That being said, to answer your question, sure, she could be a pwBPD.  Not only did she share that she had been partially diagnosed that way, but her behavior, specifically the poor impulse control and extreme mood swings, as well as the ideation (love bombing/falling in "love" after a month), coupled with jealousy and controlling behavior, fit the diagnostic criteria for BPD. 

I would not put as much stock into the fetishism; people can have odd fetishes and be otherwise "normal" or not suffer from a personality disorder.  But yeah... liking serial killers is troubling, LOL.

You can read the diagnostic criteria for BPD here (link: https://bpdfamily.com/content/borderline-personality-disorder).  Note that this website also provides some cautionary language around trying to diagnose someone:

"The American Psychiatric Association cautions against using its "symptoms lists" to make quickie cookbook diagnoses. Psychologists diagnose these disorders by matching a patient to the best fitting "symptoms list" from its 991 page DSM manual.  Looking at one or two isolated lists is a little like trying to match the paint on your car by looking at a sample book containing two colors. For this reason, it's best to resist the temptation to immediately latch onto one of the personality disorder symptoms lists as "it".  Doing this may send you in a wrong or unhealthy direction."

- From: https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-borderline-personality-disorder

As someone who was married to a pwBPD, consider yourself lucky that you didn't have a longer experience with this person and move on.  Chalk it up to a learning experience and use it to avoid future relationships with pwBPD when their issues aren't as obvious up front, as this girl's were. 

[Godslike]

Thanks for the help, i already analise the DSM-V (im physician), but i can't diagnose a partner for ethical and to be too close to her. I will tell u guys, this is the worse time of my life, 2 months and im having panic attacks, anguish, despair, after all i yet miss her (codependence, anxious attachment - childhood problems)... I will stay NC, God help me.

Sorry for my bad english

[ForeverDad]

Recovery is a process, not an event.  It will take time to recover from the chaos you experienced.  Give yourself that time to address your feelings and hurt.  If you start another relationship too soon, it may turn out to be a rebound relationship and those often don't last.  Take care of yourself first.

Also, you found out about a level of infidelity.  Some people with BPD traits can quickly jump into, back & forth, out of relationships, all driven by their feelings, perceptions and moods.  It's okay not to want that in your relationship.

[HoratioX]

Thank you!

Today a "a friend of mine" tells me that she is in a relationship with 2 peoples, all in a threesome... God...

A woman with BPD (etc.) might make for a good mistress, which is to say, being up for just about anything, but is terrible for any kind of meaningful longterm relationship. Whatever nonsense your ex. is now in won't last, and chances are, she will come out of it feeling even worse about herself.

[Godslike]

I'm sorry for her... This is very very heartbreaking