Hey guys, I could really use some help here as I don't really have anyone to talk to, and even if I did they wouldn't understand. My head is spinning. 3 years ago I dated a girl who has BPD, I loved her more than anyone I've ever met, and those feelings never really died... I just learned to accept what can't be changed and move forward. Our breakup was really messy, she turned me into the villain and immediately found a new boyfriend. I was jealous because they made it seem like they were star-crossed lovers, but I'm sure it was just for posturing online. Anyways, the last message she sent me was that she didn't miss me at all and to kill myself. That was in 2022, I figured I would never here from here again and life went on. However, last October I got a dm from her on instagram out of the blue. We started talking and she told me she missed me, she told me she still thought I was handsome and the best person she has ever met, both dating and in general. She told me she regrets what happened between us, and I told her I felt the same. The way we picked up and talked to each other so easily you would have never guessed 3 years had passed. However, I'm not an idiot, I know what I told her was real, but I had my reservations with what she told me. She told me she had recently been arrested. She has been using and "dating" men in their 30s, while we are in our early 20s. These men beat her and probably manipulate her with drugs and money and a place to stay. I try not to think about it too much. She constantly told me she had no phone, and texted me sporadically, with days or weeks, even months in between. The two things she told me over and over, that my heart wants to believe because she is an addict and also disappears from the face of the earth when she goes dark is that she has no phone, and she kept telling me she had seizures everyday. I just have a lot of trouble believing it. One day she told me she misses me and she wish she could see me, but she has been bad at answering lately. I asked her if she wanted to hang out the next day, but she ignored my message, told me "she was breaking her friend out of rehab" and then went ghost. This was over the winter. In April she sent me another message saying her phone broke and she just got back into her accounts, but when I replied I never got an answer. Things were fine, it's June now and it wasn't bothering me anymore... Until Monday last week when she texted me saying she was in my city and thought of me a lot, but once again, didn't have a phone. I replied on Monday, then messed up and texted her again on Wednesday. I've been left on delivered again and she has gone dark on her socials once again. I'm just confused, and really hurt. I know I sound crazy, but I miss her. I loved her hard. I'm not mad at her, I just can't comprehend what is going on. I'm the opposite of the drug dealing reprobates she's with now who got her arrested, I struggled with alcohol the past few years and now I'm working on rebuilding. I can't give her what men over 10 years older than me can provide, all I could offer is love
. Does anyone have any idea why she keeps reaching out to me and saying she misses me/thinks of me only to disappear again. I'm sure I'll be okay again, but since last week my heart aches and I just can't understand it. It's like I'm unknowingly apart of a joke. I want to ask her what's going on, but I fear pushing her away.
