Struggling to Improve My Marriage

[queasypotato]

Hello, all. This is my first time here, so thank you for reading through. I'll try to be brief.

My husband and I are both trans and queer and we have been together for 15 years. We have done our transitions together, faced family estrangement together, and have stayed together despite a lot of setbacks.

About a year and a half or two years ago, my husband was diagnosed with BPD. We've always fought a lot and trigger each other sometimes (both of our mothers were also BPD), but we have always tried to work through it.

Lately, though, it feels as though things just won't improve anymore. I see 2 therapists regularly--a talk therapist and then a DBT therapist. I work hard to try and implement all the things I learn, but my husband is currently not seeking therapy (although he has for many years).

Each time we fight, I try to use the things I learn to take accountability, reassure him, express my feelings, but every time I improve on one skill a new issue pops up. First, he would go into a rage because I 'never apologized'. When I started apologizing more, it was because I 'didn't share my feelings with him'. When I shared my feelings more, it was 'you need to validate my feelings, not talk about yours'. Continue that cycle into infinity. It often feels that every time I improve, the goal post gets moved further along. Sometimes it feels as though I will never improve enough for him.

Meanwhile, I'm struggling as the only one working, making sure our apartment stays clean, managing all of our bills, and ensuring that he has the right kinds of food in the house to avoid his splitting.

I'm feeling so lost. I have few friends and all of my family is estranged because I am trans. We love each other very much and I know that this illness must weigh so heavily on him. But I also feel as though my own feelings and worth have been completely overshadowed by his extreme needs. I admit that I am not healed from my own mental health issues and I know that there are definitely things I need to improve on.

I supposed I'm curious if others have been in this kind of situation and what, if anything, worked for them to improve their situation. I think I'm also just looking for other people who have experienced this so that I don't feel quite so alone.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[cynp]

It often feels that every time I improve, the goal post gets moved further along. Sometimes it feels as though I will never improve enough for him.

This. Changing things abt myself has not ended the conflict. I've said something I thought was helpful/kind to my partner, and it has made them angrier, saying A was such a foolish thing to say, yu should have said B. Then the next time theu are upset, I say B and they say THAT was the wrong thing to say, I should have said C. And so forth. When they are having an episode it doesnt matter if you say the best most validating thing there is to say, because the pain is coming from within them, and they cannot hear you. You become an object to toss out their pain. 

[queasypotato]

Yes that’s exactly how it feels. When I get quite triggered by his behavior, I often go nonverbal and find it very difficult to do anything but have the ‘freeze’ response. Then I get yelled at for not saying anything. Then I get yelled at when he goes to lie down and cool off but I don’t wake him up in some ethereal time limit.

It’s so frustrating to feel that I’ll take one step forward and two steps back. And always worrying that one day he’ll leave and he’ll blame me even when I know it isn’t my fault.

It’s good to read through and see others struggles as well. We aren’t alone in this, but it’s so upsetting.