Does this justify going for sole custody?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hi! I (F) am really confused.  My ex (F) and I have a son.  I want to do what’s right for him - not out of anger or punishment, but out of love and protection. My therapist thinks I should pursue sole custody. But I still find myself second-guessing that, even when so much of me knows it’s probably right.

I think I’ve been gaslit by my co-parent for so long that I can’t always tell what’s “normal” or what I’ve just adapted to. I keep thinking—what if this is just how it is? But I don’t want to gamble with my son’s safety or emotional development just to keep the peace.

Here are some of the realities I’m struggling to hold:

-She voluntarily gave up all sleepovers with him 2.5 months ago. since our seperation and prior to giving them up, she only did sleepovers at her parents house - never alone.

-She is incredibly verbally abusive toward me and frequently threatens to withhold access to our son or destroy our co-parenting relationship if I don’t comply. When she is upset she also starts asking for sleepovers again. When shes calm, she never mentions it. She knows its a trigger for me.

-When she becomes emotionally dysregulated, she hits herself, pulls her hair, falls to the floor, and pulls at her own teeth—in front of our toddler.

-She’s never taken care of him alone for more than one work day. Even during her "stay-at-home mom" time when we were together, she regularly relies on her parents or me to step in.

-She currently still has legal access to take him anywhere—but only chooses to when it’s to see friends or socialize, never to actually parent on her own.

-She smokes marijuana every day, all day. And she drives with him in the car while under the influence.

-She recently chased down a neighbor while driving with our son, got out of the car, and began screaming at them for their 'bad driving'.

-She refuses to pursue any real mental health treatment, despite having what her own cousin described as a “mental health binder an inch thick.”

-When she’s dysregulated, she becomes scorched earth. Everyone is the enemy. And in those moments, even our son seems like an inconvenience to her.

-She often posts him on social media as a way to appear like a doting mom, but in reality, she checks out when things get hard.

-Her own parents and cousin have encouraged me to seek custody, and all offered to testify. They see what I see.

I’m not trying to keep her from him. I don’t think that’s best unless it’s absolutely necessary. But I do think the structure should reflect what’s safe and what’s real.

Has anyone else been through something like this? How did you make the decision? What did the courts actually care about? I’d love insight from people who’ve been in the thick of this.

[happypossible]

Hi! I (F) am really confused.  My ex (F) and I have a son.  I want to do what’s right for him - not out of anger or punishment, but out of love and protection. My therapist thinks I should pursue sole custody. But I still find myself second-guessing that, even when so much of me knows it’s probably right.

I think I’ve been gaslit by my co-parent for so long that I can’t always tell what’s “normal” or what I’ve just adapted to. I keep thinking—what if this is just how it is? But I don’t want to gamble with my son’s safety or emotional development just to keep the peace.

Here are some of the realities I’m struggling to hold:

-She voluntarily gave up all sleepovers with him 2.5 months ago. since our seperation and prior to giving them up, she only did sleepovers at her parents house - never alone.

-She is incredibly verbally abusive toward me and frequently threatens to withhold access to our son or destroy our co-parenting relationship if I don’t comply. When she is upset she also starts asking for sleepovers again. When shes calm, she never mentions it. She knows its a trigger for me.

-When she becomes emotionally dysregulated, she hits herself, pulls her hair, falls to the floor, and pulls at her own teeth—in front of our toddler.

-She’s never taken care of him alone for more than one work day. Even during her "stay-at-home mom" time when we were together, she regularly relies on her parents or me to step in.

-She currently still has legal access to take him anywhere—but only chooses to when it’s to see friends or socialize, never to actually parent on her own.

-She smokes marijuana every day, all day. And she drives with him in the car while under the influence.

-She recently chased down a neighbor while driving with our son, got out of the car, and began screaming at them for their 'bad driving'.

-She refuses to pursue any real mental health treatment, despite having what her own cousin described as a “mental health binder an inch thick.”

-When she’s dysregulated, she becomes scorched earth. Everyone is the enemy. And in those moments, even our son seems like an inconvenience to her.

-She often posts him on social media as a way to appear like a doting mom, but in reality, she checks out when things get hard.

-Her own parents and cousin have encouraged me to seek custody, and all offered to testify. They see what I see.

I’m not trying to keep her from him. I don’t think that’s best unless it’s absolutely necessary. But I do think the structure should reflect what’s safe and what’s real.

Has anyone else been through something like this? How did you make the decision? What did the courts actually care about? I’d love insight from people who’ve been in the thick of this.

[kells76]

Hi there happypossible;

It's wise of you to think through the pros and cons of parenting plans and custody arrangements. Good to hear you have a therapist you can talk to about all of this, too. Do you have a lawyer right now, as well?

One common misunderstanding that some people have is that "sole custody" has to do with how much time children spend with each parent. "If I have sole custody, then the kids will never see the other parent". That is not the case (though the terminology can vary state by state).

Custody generally has to do with legal decision making. In the past, it sometimes got confused with parenting time, which is the schedule for when the child is with each parent. You may hear outdated references like "whose custody weekend is it" and that is not necessarily accurate. That being said, there are still some states that differentiate between legal custody and physical custody, but physical custody generally means parenting time.

In our state, there is just "sole custody" and "joint custody", and those refer to legal decision making only. There is no relationship between a parent having sole custody, and that parent then also having more parenting time.

It is totally possible (in our state, for example) for one parent to have "sole custody" (tiebreaker on all legal decisions such as medical, dental, mental health, school, etc) and for both parents to have equal parenting time. It's also theoretically possible (though uncommon) for one parent to have "sole custody" and the other parent to have majority parenting time.

When your T suggests that you should pursue sole custody, is your T suggesting that you pursue sole legal custody? Or majority parenting time? Or both? (or something else?)

Generally speaking, you could have sole custody, but then try to work together with your ex to come up with a parenting plan that is as balanced as the two of you can agree on. (Not saying I would recommend that in your case, necessarily). The point is -- having sole legal custody has no relationship to "taking the child away from the other parent".

I wonder if getting some clarity on your T's suggestion could be helpful in coming up with a plan that's best for your child?

And I'm also curious if you have talked with your T about this feeling:

I’m not trying to keep her from him.

Is that guilt, or something else?

...

Anyway, there's a lot going on for you, and it's good that you're wanting to put your kid's well-being first.

[happypossible]

Hi there, thanks for your thoughtful reply. I have used 'sole' to loosely here, so let me clarify.

Do you have a lawyer right now, as well?

I have done 3 hours on consultations, but not hired anyone on retainer or really shared the nitty gritty.

When your T suggests that you should pursue sole custody, is your T suggesting that you pursue sole legal custody? Or majority parenting time? Or both? (or something else?)

Thanks for this. My therapist has spoken at lengths about the impact my ex's behavior could have on our son long term (hes only 19 months right now), and is encouraging me to seek sole legal and only supervised visitation with my co-parent.  Zero unsupervised sleepovers as well.  My family lives out of state, I am here alone with my ex and her family.  My therapist also encourages me to not write off the possibility of ever moving away with our son... and says she hopes I can one day.  She says my ex is "textbook BPD" and she is very concerned.  She has, and reminds me often, offered to testify on my behalf as well.

Is that guilt, or something else?

wow I didn't even realize it read like that when I was writing this... those are actually words that my ex uses against me often.  For example, our son was scheduled to be with her 8am-4pm the other day. She left him alone with her parents all day from 10-3:30. At 3:30 she called and started shredding me for "taking our son away" and if I don't "come correct" she will "tell the whole family how I really am"... basically she felt guilty for not having spend her time with him, but she's incapable of communicating it like that, so she attacks and plays the victim. 

But to answer your question, I guess I do feel guilty because up until 4 months ago, I celebrated every good day and really really thought we could somehow still piece together a future. So its very unnatural for me to look beyond a good moment here and there and instead focus on the big picture.

[PeteWitsend]

Short answer:  yes, go for sole custody for your son's well-being.

And if you struggle with this, and with self-doubt, get therapy for yourself so you can be the best parent you can for him. 

By the time I got to your third bullet point in the list I was convinced.  It's one thing to be difficult to other adults, but it's another to completely fall apart like that mentally in front of a child and behave like that.  What is the kid's take away?  That's gotta be incredibly scary for a kid to witness a supposed parent behaving like that.  You can only imagine her getting worse over time as well, if she was burdened with having to care for your son for extended periods of time.

And it sounds like she's so selfish that she's willing to play games with him and with custody to manipulate you.  That's another sign to me she's not fit to be a parent. 

Document all this and present it your attorney, along with a request for an explanation of how they plan to approach your case. 

[ForeverDad]

What did the courts actually care about?

The laws vary from state  to state.  Courts can vary even within the same state.  In general it's evident that the last thing courts want to do is block a parent unless it has become necessary.  While courts can restrict both custody and parenting schedules, it seems easier for custody decisions to be assigned to one parent than for one parent to get all contact with the child.

Custody... in your case clearly ought to land in your favor, though court may start by wanting some level of shared responsibility.  However, you're likely to get a temp order stating you're the custodial parent and if that works over time it should be inclined to put it in the final order.

Parenting schedule... it is somewhat rare for a parent to have all contact blocked.  That is usually when there is extreme conflict or child abuse.  Parenting is usually some variation on reduced time or if appropriate supervised visits.

I would expect that court wouldn't care which of you gave birth - a very emotional matter - but that would be a lawyer question.

I want to do what’s right for him - not out of anger or punishment, but out of love and protection. My therapist thinks I should pursue sole custody. But I still find myself second-guessing that, even when so much of me knows it’s probably right.

You're trying to be very fair.  All of us here seem to have excessively strong "fairness" traits.  In other situations it is an admirable quality, but when it domes down to your welfare and especially your child's welfare then it can sabotage us.  Of course we would never be nasty but essentially... Do what needs to be done.

-She voluntarily gave up all sleepovers with him 2.5 months ago. since our seperation and prior to giving them up, she only did sleepovers at her parents house - never alone.

Then stick to that policy.  If a lawyer or the court presses to allow some overnights, you know it would fail at some point.  She's okay with it, she knows her baseline, her "comfort zone", so don't change it.

-She is incredibly verbally abusive toward me and frequently threatens to withhold access to our son or destroy our co-parenting relationship if I don’t comply. When she is upset she also starts asking for sleepovers again...

-When she becomes emotionally dysregulated, she hits herself, pulls her hair, falls to the floor, and pulls at her own teeth—in front of our toddler.

It is unlikely to get better, it is more likely to worsen over time.  Distance is a real blessing.

-She smokes marijuana every day, all day. And she drives with him in the car while under the influence.

-She recently chased down a neighbor while driving with our son, got out of the car, and began screaming at them for their 'bad driving'.

I see this as the most concerning, even more than the rants and rages.  In a split second she could create disaster.  If alcohol was her issue, court could order her not to drive while drunk.  I have no idea how a LEO or court could categorically determine whether she is under the influence with marijuana.  If she's always smoking, then she should never drive and especially not with a child.  (Court is more likely to take action - see something as "more actionable" - when a minor is at risk, adults are presumed capable to make decisions and take action for themselves.)