Wife has BPD diagnosis after being together for 15 years

[Another_guy]

Good afternoon!

Just found this forum after a quick search and was very grateful for it. My wife and I have been together for 15 years married for 5. We have both been in therapy at different points in our lives but my current wife’s therapist has diaagnosed her with a couple of things. Her full list is BPD CPSTD AuADHD. For years we had assumed she just had depression or anxiety but after doing more therapy we have found these as very likely causes. I have been with her through all of her bad times, we have been together since we were 15 and I know how bad this can get. It is nice to see the symptoms all laid out.

I want to know what people are doing to help their partners through the hard times and how you are dealing with the aftermath of a really bad episode yourself. I haven’t really been doing any self care and we have been in a really low mental state for the past couple of weeks due to my wife having a new chronic injury that has affected her ability to walk around and enjoy life, which means we have been having near nightly breakdowns. It it starting to take a toll on my mental health. What do I do? Thanks again and I will start to read older posts to look at everything that I am sure every body has already said. Thanks again.

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[BlueNavigator]

Hey,

Glad you're here and glad you're posting. I also have a wife with BPD (diagnosed 3 years ago but we've been romantically involved since 2013).

You asked what people are doing to help their partners through the hard times. There are some good videos on this website about active listening and validation. I have found that it is most helpful to do this for a few minutes at most, then move on to something else, such as offering to do a chore for them so they can take a break. What I have learned is not helpful is buying into the myth that I can somehow fix them and solve the issue for them. I offer some verbal comfort, offer a small favor, gently correct any judgmental statements ("I don't hate you, I just need to go to bed so I can function at work tomorrow") and remind her she can use a DBT skill.

How do I deal with the aftermath of a bad episode?  Journaling, video games, calling my dad or my sister, making a mental note to talk about in therapy, praying, and, of course, bpdfamily.com.

Sorry to hear about your wife's injury and your lack of self-care. Beware of "enmeshment," in which you absorb all her emotions and make them your own. Her intolerable suffering doesn't have to be your suffering. Also, do you believe it's okay to let someone know that you can't be there 24/7 for them?

People with BPD often view themselves as fiercely loyal mother figures, but, it comes with an expectation that those they are loyal to will drop everything immediately whenever the BPD person desires. This has been helpful for me to keep in mind.

Keep posting! Keep sharing! The more you write the more help you can get. Also, writing itself is helpful: "I don't know what I think until I write it down."