New and helpless

[blimchu]

Hi everyone. I’m new here and feeling a little overwhelmed, but I’m really grateful this space exists.

I believe my spouse has borderline personality disorder, but he won’t acknowledge any issues or seek help. Most of the time, he projects all the blame onto me, and I’m constantly walking on eggshells.

I’ve stayed in this relationship mostly because of our kids—I want to keep the family together and give them some stability. But it’s incredibly hard to live with someone who takes no accountability and turns every disagreement into a crisis or an attack.

I’ve tried therapy, but I didn’t feel understood—some therapists just judged me for staying. What I really need is connection with people who understand what this feels like, without judgment.

I’m here to learn, find emotional support, and hopefully regain some sense of myself.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Fathcom]

I'm new here too and my situation is very similar. I, too have been judged for staying and that has made me very cautious about talking to anyone. I don't know much, and I'm not totally sure how the whole platform works, but I'm looking for the same kind of support and understanding, and I'm here to talk.

No judgement here. I really do understand.

[cynp]

I too have felt judged for choosing to stay. I also speak very little about my homelife. But the people doing the judging don't understand our full situations. I felt relief upon seeong the "no run messages" signs on this site.

[kells76]

Hello blimchu and another welcome from me 

People stay in BPD relationships for all kinds of reasons, that may or may not "make sense" to others -- we get it here, and this is a good place to share your story, get understanding, and learn new approaches that can help make your relationship more livable.

I believe my spouse has borderline personality disorder, but he won’t acknowledge any issues or seek help. Most of the time, he projects all the blame onto me, and I’m constantly walking on eggshells.

How long have the two of you been together? When did you start to suspect BPD?

I’ve stayed in this relationship mostly because of our kids—I want to keep the family together and give them some stability. But it’s incredibly hard to live with someone who takes no accountability and turns every disagreement into a crisis or an attack.

How old are your kids, and how are they doing with the situation?

I’ve tried therapy, but I didn’t feel understood—some therapists just judged me for staying. What I really need is connection with people who understand what this feels like, without judgment.

That would be difficult and lonely to feel judged by a therapist. Not all therapists will be a good fit (I've had some poor experiences myself); when you do find one who is a good fit, it's lifechanging.

In addition to this site, what other support do you have in your life right now? Family? Friends? Other support groups? Religious life, hobbies, etc?

I’m here to learn, find emotional support, and hopefully regain some sense of myself.

A counterintuitive thing that some members learn is that in order for things to have a chance at getting better, we have to stop making things worse on our end, and we often make things worse by focusing on... everyone except ourselves.

Focusing on how we feel, what we need, and what is and isn't under our control, is a great first step to building a stronger sense of self... which can make your life more livable.

We have a great section of threads on relationship skills; when you have a moment, take a look, especially the ones on boundaries and values and The Do's and Don'ts (for staying) in a BPD Relationship. Would love to hear what stuck out to you from those.

Keep posting and sharing, whenever feels right to you;

kells76

[Fathcom]

I have had a couple therapists also judged me for staying with her. This happened so much that the last time I sought out therapy, I wrote out a basic statement of what I was looking for and what I was not looking for in therapy and read that to potential counselors or emailed it to them before our first meeting. Basically, I said that divorce was not on the table, and that is the framework I wanted to work within. Ultimately this led to me finding a wonderful counselor who understood, shared my values and has been a great guide to me for the last couple years. Prior to that there were three or four negative experiences with counselors. My biggest Takeaway was that I need to interview counselors to see if they are a good fit. Which is exhausting. But it was ultimately life-changing. I was also super happy to see the “no run MESSAGE”  note. Online forms on this topic are full of negativity that just drags me down and depresses me so much. Finding this place is a blessing. Glad to be a fellow newbie along with you, Friend. We are not alone.