Appropriately Disengaging from a splitting incident

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Hello,

My story has been posted on other threads previously. Briefly I am in a long term marriage with a pwBPD. In the past I have reached my breaking point, decided to continue and don't know what the future holds. I am trying hard to manage my relationship with my pwBPD the best I can.

I clearly recognize when my pwBPD is beginning to split and I consciously avoid JADE and DARVO and use other tools in the toolbox. I lend a patient ear to her outpourings without invalidating her feelings or accepting blame for a few minutes to let her vent, and then I carefully try to disengage by leaving the room or situation under some pretext. The issue is that she calls this out as avoidant behavior and escapism and consequently her conflict increases with the belief that I am not trying to address her emotions.

It seems the only thing that will calm her is sitting near her and listening to the insults, frustrations, name calling for hours on end until she tires out. Am I missing something or doing something wrong - what is the appropriate way to disengage in such situations in a manner that when we return back the pwBPD has calmed and moved on from the splitting or their peak feelings?

[awakened23]

Hello,

My story has been posted on other threads previously. Briefly I am in a long term marriage with a pwBPD. In the past I have reached my breaking point, decided to continue and don't know what the future holds. I am trying hard to manage my relationship with my pwBPD the best I can.

I clearly recognize when my pwBPD is beginning to split and I consciously avoid JADE and DARVO and use other tools in the toolbox. I lend a patient ear to her outpourings without invalidating her feelings or accepting blame for a few minutes to let her vent, and then I carefully try to disengage by leaving the room or situation under some pretext. The issue is that she calls this out as avoidant behavior and escapism and consequently her conflict increases with the belief that I am not trying to address her emotions.

It seems the only thing that will calm her is sitting near her and listening to the insults, frustrations, name calling for hours on end until she tires out. Am I missing something or doing something wrong - what is the appropriate way to disengage in such situations in a manner that when we return back the pwBPD has calmed and moved on from the splitting or their peak feelings?

[ForeverDad]

I lend a patient ear to her outpourings without invalidating her feelings or accepting blame for a few minutes to let her vent, and then I carefully try to disengage by leaving the room or situation under some pretext. The issue is that she calls this out as avoidant behavior and escapism and consequently her conflict increases with the belief that I am not trying to address her emotions.

It seems the only thing that will calm her is sitting near her and listening to the insults, frustrations, name calling for hours on end until she tires out. Am I missing something or doing something wrong - what is the appropriate way to disengage in such situations in a manner that when we return back the pwBPD has calmed and moved on from the splitting or their peak feelings?

When you start a new boundary, there will be pushback.  We refer to it as an extinction burst.  Obviously the pushback can be quite extreme due to the BPD traits, moods and perceptions.  In your case, it is manipulative with her blaming that you don't care.  You know it's not true but by staying and weathering the storm you're reinforcing her poor behavior.  If she can have self control in public scenarios, then it's not unreasonable for her to limit her actions in private times too.  (Sadly, she won't see it that way, especially once she's worked herself up into a frenzy.)

You can listen... until it starts becoming a Blamefest.  That's when a Boundary should kick in, such as calling a time out, a breather or exiting to let the other reset, otherwise you remaining there as a suffering audience, even a Whipping Boy*, becomes enabling.

* Whipping Boy is a flashback to olden times where, as the story goes, a poor kid would get the punishment due an entitled kid.

Your children are older.  If they're there too, they could easily decide to not be spouse's backup audience, perhaps even go with you if they get hounded to meantime have some peace.

[awakened23]

When you start a new boundary, there will be pushback.  We refer to it as an extinction burst.  Obviously the pushback can be quite extreme due to the BPD traits, moods and perceptions.  In your case, it is manipulative with her blaming that you don't care.  You know it's not true but by staying and weathering the storm you're reinforcing her poor behavior.  If she can have self control in public scenarios, then it's not unreasonable for her to limit her actions in private times too.  (Sadly, she won't see it that way, especially once she's worked herself up into a frenzy.)

You can listen... until it starts becoming a Blamefest.  That's when a Boundary should kick in, such as calling a time out, a breather or exiting to let the other reset, otherwise you remaining there as a suffering audience, even a Whipping Boy*, becomes enabling.

* Whipping Boy is a flashback to olden times where, as the story goes, a poor kid would get the punishment due an entitled kid.

Your children are older.  If they're there too, they could easily decide to not be spouse's backup audience, perhaps even go with you if they get hounded to meantime have some peace.

Thank you ForeverDad for your helpful reply. WhippingBoy it is and that too with an emotional whip which feels many times more unbearable than a real whip.

In the most recent episode I tried this in earnest, every time walking away for a reset and it just got her more and more agitated. She even accused me of "always protecting my own emotional health first, when I should be protecting her emotional health given her mental state which I am well aware of and fully responsible for". The escalatory ladder goes up quickly from there in my relationship and at some point I cave in. I guess I need to train myself and prepare myself for appropriate actions to take on each step of the escalation.   
It is all the more difficult when the incidents happen outside the home when travelling or car bound in a road trip. My head starts spinning at some point thinking about the possibilities of what would happen for each step I take along that escalation path in order to stick to my boundary. That is usually the caving point or when real word problems like an important appointment or picking up a child is imminent and the nonPD has to surrender in order to function.

[awakened23]

also...

in uBPDw's view taking care of one's own emotional health before protecting your partner's emotional health is extremely selfish

uBPDw has never been good with boundaries even in normal non-splitting cheerful circumstances - e.g. if there is a no photos sign in a museum uBPDw will absolutely take one cannot stop even if 10 family members dissuade her, no walking on lawn etc. has an inherent extremely strong urge to violate written/stated boundaries (except when there is real fear of law enforcement)

[ForeverDad]

In the most recent episode I tried this in earnest, every time walking away for a reset and it just got her more and more agitated.

There will be pushback (extinction bursts) with agitation and guilting.  However, no one can predict how long there will be pushback.

On the one hand, we know how it will be if we do nothing proactive... what has happened in the past would just continue.

On the other hand, learning how to construct better boundaries and responses at least might improve things so life is somewhat "less bad".  The unknown is whether or how much or how soon life improves.

If nothing improves then that might be another signal you should to re-examine the relationship itself and weigh the cost to continue.

[MindfulBreath]

Just wanted to show some solidarity. This has been a core problem in my marriage as well, which has actually led to its possible breaking point. Before I learned the tools, I would just listen to the barrage of blame and insults and try to defend or explain myself. Now that I tell him I'm no longer available for that kind of behavior, I "refuse to hear" him and he feels unseen, unheard, etc. I've told him that I want to hear how he actually feels - not the negative shower of insults on me. Of course, this is the difficult part. pwBPD will do everything they can to avoid feeling their most painful feelings and will often project them onto others, who then have to do the emotional labor.

Me setting my boundaries - telling him I'm walking away, putting the phone down, or putting on noise-cancelling headphones in the car when he starts with the blame game/insult parade/rage explosion - often makes him much angrier. I've been very clear about why I'm doing it, what my boundary is, and that I'll come back when he's calmed down. But - in the meantime, it feels like it's led to even more conflict and distance between us.

I can only hope that maintaining strong and clear boundaries and reminding him why I'm setting them will eventually lead to him accepting them. Or maybe not. It seems like we are also at a crossroads.

[awakened23]

Just wanted to show some solidarity. This has been a core problem in my marriage as well, which has actually led to its possible breaking point.

Thank you MindfulBreath for your kind words and sharing your experience. If I may ask how much practice did it take for you to convey those boundaries in a way it was clear to your pwBPD? I struggle with it just because the rage is so high and the far of escalation in the moment. These rages are now getting more frequent and I clearly see that separation is the only option for me but I haven't gained the courage to take firm steps in that direction.

[ForeverDad]

IF you do conclude the relationship is failed or failing, then - against our typical Nice Guys or Nice Gals inclination to give "fair notice" - first get your ducks in a row, so to speak.  Why?  Because by speaking first and planning second, you can enable your soon-to-be-ex (stbEx) the opportunity to sabotage you.  Would you want your ex to be in charge of unwinding the relationship?

So, essentially your stbEx would be one of the last people to be informed of an "it's over" message.  If you're married, there is a complicated list of legal details that you need to review and decide.  If you have minor children together, that too is reason to ponder and investigate the endless legal and practical issues dealing with custody and parenting schedules.

Don't expect the other to be thoughtful and helpful to make it easier for you.  Sure, it may proceed peacefully but it can also be a minor nuclear explosion in the home.

[Me88]

Gosh. How are all of these stories so similar. I abruptly ended my relationship so it's an ex now, but this all rings so familiar. I too could recognize when the split was coming: louder speech, massive pupils, deep breathing and a red face. I would JADE a lot, which to me seemed logical in the illogical scenarios.

I would try to sit and listen and then the barrage of insults, blame and cursing would ensue. If I walked away I would be told I didn't want to fight for us, I was avoiding our issues, etc.

I too found that the only thing that 'worked' was sitting and taking the lashings. Agreeing with her perception and apologizing...but those apologies, they had to be worded the way she wanted to hear it or else the argument would come up again a few days later after a 'good time'.

And MindfulBreath...'unseen, unheard'...God I hated hearing that. I asked her to explain to me what being unheard looks like to her, but never got a description, just more raging. From my experience boundaries DO make things even worse. There was no winning.

[cynp]

I too found that the only thing that 'worked' was sitting and taking the lashings. Agreeing with her perception and apologizing...but those apologies, they had to be worded the way she wanted to hear it or else the argument would come up again a few days later after a 'good time'.

This is my learned experince too. Trying to lay down boundaries or any other thing my T would reccommend just made it worse. No pushback allowed. I just have to batten down and grovel when appropriate and if I am lucky they will yell themselves out. the problem is that living like this has also damaged me.

[ForeverDad]

Can I put forth a thought here about boundaries?  The most we can do is to set proper and appropriate boundaries of behavior.  The boundaries are for us, there is no assurance the other will agree or comply.  Yet, what else can we do?  Shouldn't we be true to ourselves?

So from my perspective, boundaries help us by clarifying where we stand.

If the other, whether quickly or not so quickly, responds positively then we have found improvement.

On the other hand, if the other obstructs and never respects our firm and reasonable boundaries, then shouldn't we ponder whether the relationship even has a future?  Could it be that the other's responses are a signal which way our path into the future goes, whether to stay or to go?  (And not that we are worse off than before and doomed to keep suffering, appeasing or whatever?)

Imagine it is dark and a terrible storm is upon you, and you light a lantern.  The lantern shows you the ground beneath your feet is collapsing over a cliff on one side and a path to safer ground on the other.  The light from the lantern (boundaries and other support) identifies your choices... but it is up to you to decide whether you will take action... or stand still and the cliff keeps looming ever closer.

[Me88]

everything you say is logical, and I agree. My issue, maybe other's, we continuously question ourselves and break our self worth and reality down to a point where we 'put up' with these things due to the inevitable good times that follow. 'oh it's just how she is'. May be a lack of self respect, no boundaries that mean anything. Something I need to discover and work on.

[awakened23]

In my case at least, I feel like I need to practice more deliberately and be much more self aware during the splitting/rage episodes. Also I need to think about multiple possible ways in which my pwBPD will escalate if I stick to the boundaries and not be shocked in the moment if they escalate in new and unprecedented manner.
Since the boundary setting, enforcement aren't inherent qualities, and it does not come naturally but is a learned/acquired behavior. In the time of anxiety or stress all the considered plans of action go for a toss and the tendency is to calm the rage by any means however.

[eightdays]

I found something worked for me from the Margalis Fjelstad book, Stop Caretaking the Borderline..   I would say firmly, 'I prefer to be talked to in gentler tones'.   My partner didn't like it but would tend to walk out of the room in response.   What seems to be key is that I am only talking about my own boundaries and preferences in that sentence and not engaging head on or defending.