Appropriately Disengaging from a splitting incident

[awakened23]

Hello,

My story has been posted on other threads previously. Briefly I am in a long term marriage with a pwBPD. In the past I have reached my breaking point, decided to continue and don't know what the future holds. I am trying hard to manage my relationship with my pwBPD the best I can.

I clearly recognize when my pwBPD is beginning to split and I consciously avoid JADE and DARVO and use other tools in the toolbox. I lend a patient ear to her outpourings without invalidating her feelings or accepting blame for a few minutes to let her vent, and then I carefully try to disengage by leaving the room or situation under some pretext. The issue is that she calls this out as avoidant behavior and escapism and consequently her conflict increases with the belief that I am not trying to address her emotions.

It seems the only thing that will calm her is sitting near her and listening to the insults, frustrations, name calling for hours on end until she tires out. Am I missing something or doing something wrong - what is the appropriate way to disengage in such situations in a manner that when we return back the pwBPD has calmed and moved on from the splitting or their peak feelings?

[ForeverDad]

I lend a patient ear to her outpourings without invalidating her feelings or accepting blame for a few minutes to let her vent, and then I carefully try to disengage by leaving the room or situation under some pretext. The issue is that she calls this out as avoidant behavior and escapism and consequently her conflict increases with the belief that I am not trying to address her emotions.

It seems the only thing that will calm her is sitting near her and listening to the insults, frustrations, name calling for hours on end until she tires out. Am I missing something or doing something wrong - what is the appropriate way to disengage in such situations in a manner that when we return back the pwBPD has calmed and moved on from the splitting or their peak feelings?

When you start a new boundary, there will be pushback.  We refer to it as an extinction burst.  Obviously the pushback can be quite extreme due to the BPD traits, moods and perceptions.  In your case, it is manipulative with her blaming that you don't care.  You know it's not true but by staying and weathering the storm you're reinforcing her poor behavior.  If she can have self control in public scenarios, then it's not unreasonable for her to limit her actions in private times too.  (Sadly, she won't see it that way, especially once she's worked herself up into a frenzy.)

You can listen... until it starts becoming a Blamefest.  That's when a Boundary should kick in, such as calling a time out, a breather or exiting to let the other reset, otherwise you remaining there as a suffering audience, even a Whipping Boy*, becomes enabling.

* Whipping Boy is a flashback to olden times where, as the story goes, a poor kid would get the punishment due an entitled kid.

Your children are older.  If they're there too, they could easily decide to not be spouse's backup audience, perhaps even go with you if they get hounded to meantime have some peace.

[awakened23]

When you start a new boundary, there will be pushback.  We refer to it as an extinction burst.  Obviously the pushback can be quite extreme due to the BPD traits, moods and perceptions.  In your case, it is manipulative with her blaming that you don't care.  You know it's not true but by staying and weathering the storm you're reinforcing her poor behavior.  If she can have self control in public scenarios, then it's not unreasonable for her to limit her actions in private times too.  (Sadly, she won't see it that way, especially once she's worked herself up into a frenzy.)

You can listen... until it starts becoming a Blamefest.  That's when a Boundary should kick in, such as calling a time out, a breather or exiting to let the other reset, otherwise you remaining there as a suffering audience, even a Whipping Boy*, becomes enabling.

* Whipping Boy is a flashback to olden times where, as the story goes, a poor kid would get the punishment due an entitled kid.

Your children are older.  If they're there too, they could easily decide to not be spouse's backup audience, perhaps even go with you if they get hounded to meantime have some peace.

Thank you ForeverDad for your helpful reply. WhippingBoy it is and that too with an emotional whip which feels many times more unbearable than a real whip.

In the most recent episode I tried this in earnest, every time walking away for a reset and it just got her more and more agitated. She even accused me of "always protecting my own emotional health first, when I should be protecting her emotional health given her mental state which I am well aware of and fully responsible for". The escalatory ladder goes up quickly from there in my relationship and at some point I cave in. I guess I need to train myself and prepare myself for appropriate actions to take on each step of the escalation.   
It is all the more difficult when the incidents happen outside the home when travelling or car bound in a road trip. My head starts spinning at some point thinking about the possibilities of what would happen for each step I take along that escalation path in order to stick to my boundary. That is usually the caving point or when real word problems like an important appointment or picking up a child is imminent and the nonPD has to surrender in order to function.

[awakened23]

also...

in uBPDw's view taking care of one's own emotional health before protecting your partner's emotional health is extremely selfish

uBPDw has never been good with boundaries even in normal non-splitting cheerful circumstances - e.g. if there is a no photos sign in a museum uBPDw will absolutely take one cannot stop even if 10 family members dissuade her, no walking on lawn etc. has an inherent extremely strong urge to violate written/stated boundaries (except when there is real fear of law enforcement)

[ForeverDad]

In the most recent episode I tried this in earnest, every time walking away for a reset and it just got her more and more agitated.

There will be pushback (extinction bursts) with agitation and guilting.  However, no one can predict how long there will be pushback.

On the one hand, we know how it will be if we do nothing proactive... what has happened in the past would just continue.

On the other hand, learning how to construct better boundaries and responses at least might improve things so life is somewhat "less bad".  The unknown is whether or how much or how soon life improves.

If nothing improves then that might be another signal you should to re-examine the relationship itself and weigh the cost to continue.

[MindfulBreath]

Just wanted to show some solidarity. This has been a core problem in my marriage as well, which has actually led to its possible breaking point. Before I learned the tools, I would just listen to the barrage of blame and insults and try to defend or explain myself. Now that I tell him I'm no longer available for that kind of behavior, I "refuse to hear" him and he feels unseen, unheard, etc. I've told him that I want to hear how he actually feels - not the negative shower of insults on me. Of course, this is the difficult part. pwBPD will do everything they can to avoid feeling their most painful feelings and will often project them onto others, who then have to do the emotional labor.

Me setting my boundaries - telling him I'm walking away, putting the phone down, or putting on noise-cancelling headphones in the car when he starts with the blame game/insult parade/rage explosion - often makes him much angrier. I've been very clear about why I'm doing it, what my boundary is, and that I'll come back when he's calmed down. But - in the meantime, it feels like it's led to even more conflict and distance between us.

I can only hope that maintaining strong and clear boundaries and reminding him why I'm setting them will eventually lead to him accepting them. Or maybe not. It seems like we are also at a crossroads.