I feel like such an idiot

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

When we moved back to my husbands home state during the pandemic we stayed with my father in law until we got on our feet. He is a respectful and kind person who was very easy to live with . He has since retired and needs our  help now and though I’m not in a position to help anyone truthfuly, I would never sit by and do nothing . So when my husband asked me if his father could stay with us until he could move into a 55+ income restricted residence I said yes. I had many concerns (I won’t go into it ) but ultimately family helps family and he was there for us when we needed it so I wanted to do the same. What has thrown me is how my husband thinks I’m now having an affair with his father ! I’m used to the name calling and accusations but this is new. He’s been staying with us since June and this only started last week. Long story short my FIL does DoorDash part time and he had missed dinner. I asked my husband had he seen or heard from his father and that’s when he started in on me. My mind was racing with confusion. I never saw this coming. Now I am literally avoiding my father in law to the point where he noticed (he said as much ) because I’m acting out of character and standoffish.

[Pinkcamellias]

When we moved back to my husbands home state during the pandemic we stayed with my father in law until we got on our feet. He is a respectful and kind person who was very easy to live with . He has since retired and needs our  help now and though I’m not in a position to help anyone truthfuly, I would never sit by and do nothing . So when my husband asked me if his father could stay with us until he could move into a 55+ income restricted residence I said yes. I had many concerns (I won’t go into it ) but ultimately family helps family and he was there for us when we needed it so I wanted to do the same. What has thrown me is how my husband thinks I’m now having an affair with his father ! I’m used to the name calling and accusations but this is new. He’s been staying with us since June and this only started last week. Long story short my FIL does DoorDash part time and he had missed dinner. I asked my husband had he seen or heard from his father and that’s when he started in on me. My mind was racing with confusion. I never saw this coming. Now I am literally avoiding my father in law to the point where he noticed (he said as much ) because I’m acting out of character and standoffish.

[ForeverDad]

Ouch!  Been there, experienced that!

My ex accused me of doing things with my female relatives.  One evening we were at my cousin's home and on the way home she ranted and raged that I should divorce her and marry my cousin's wife, all because we spoke.  I even drove her to the local hospital and she refused to go in so we just drove home.  To say she was highly triggered and sensitized is an understatement.  It was maybe only a few months later when it got progressively worse and my marriage imploded when I called the police and, according to her perceptions, I was the one who created the incident.  (Fortunately our preschooler wouldn't leave my arms so I wasn't carted off despite being asked to "hand the tyke to his mother and step away".)

The reality was that I revealed her private abusive behavior which had been increasing almost month by month.  As in, How dare I do that!  People with Borderline traits (pwBPD) rely on the other's reluctance to disclose the abusive or near-abusive behavior done in private scenarios.

As much as I was concerned for my own welfare, I was even more worried for our preschooler.  My area was known to always default children to mother's care and so it was an uphill struggle to remain an involved father... but it was worth the pain to get through that long dark tunnel and reach the light on the other side, not just for me but also for my now grown child.

[Notwendy]

My first thought when seeing your post is that you are looking at this as if it is you- you aren't an idiot. You didn't do anything wrong. Neither did your FIL. This is distorted thinking on the part of your H and we don't have any control over someone else's thoughts and feelings.

You know this accusation is absurd. So why would your H say this?

One reason is that, even though he may not believe it- it's a way to get an emotional response and this is part of the dynamic.

One reason is that it is projected jealousy of time or attention to someone else- whether or not that someone else is related to you or not. He may see that you and his father are getting along. He saw that you were concerned about him being late. There's nothing wrong with your getting along with his father or being concerned about an elderly person.It's that he sees this and projects his feelings.

One reason is that he actually believes this. What he feels doesn't make it true. If he belived you were a pink elephant- that doesn't mean you are one.

Another reason is that if he's jealous of the platonic relationship you have with his father or anyone else- this is a way to "ruin it". Now you are avoiding his father. His father will sense this. The relationship is now different.

IMHO, you know this accusation is not true and it's absurd, so there's no reason to accomodate it or defend it. If he brings it up- you can say- this is between you and your father, I'm staying out of it. I bet he wouldn't have the nerve to bring this up with his father because his father would tell him that's crazy. It works better on you because, now you are accommodating this by creating distance with his father, which lessens your H's feelings of jealousy.

It's said "don't validate the invalid" so- the response to this is to carry on as usual with his father. There's no reason to change your behavior over something that isn't true. Also, the father won't understand why this is happening. He didn't do anything wrong and neither did you. He's an elderly man who asked for help from the two of you, and you were kind and doing that. So if your H is bothered by this- that is his issue to deal with between him and his father. You don't have to fix this for him. Again- put this back on him to deal with. "If you think this, go ask your father"