Hi whoboyboyy,
Lots of turmoil going on for you... that can't be easy, or relaxing. Glad to see you here processing and sharing.
I don't know if she'll be back anymore but I'm over it. This has gone on too long and I'm so ashamed of myself for letting it.
It's pretty normal for many relationships not to have a "clean break" at the end, but to go through multiple breakup/makeup cycles, sometimes called recycling.
We have a great workshop on
Relationship recycling; in fact, the first post is so helpful, that I'll put the whole thing here:
Relationship Recycling
What is it? This workshop is about "break-up/make-up" cycles and when and how it can become toxic and what we should do.
When is this unhealthy? Let's break this down. Sixty-two (62%) of relationships do not end at the first break-up. For a wife to have second thoughts about a divorce is normal. Sometimes our own self doubt makes us want to try one more time. Sometimes one partner promises to change something. To reconnect with a person after a break-up 1-2 times is really not all that unusual.
When there are more than 4, 5, 6 "break-up/make-up" cycles in a relationship there is something seriously wrong. When this happens, the conventional relationship expectations are pretty much out the window.
Why do we get caught up in cycles? These are the questions we need to answer if we ever want the break-up/make-up cycle to end. Are we returning to this person because we are in love with them and the relationship has a chance, or are we returning to this person because they feel safe?
- Are we afraid to be alone?
- Do we have our own abandonment issues?
- Are we fearful that we cannot find someone as good as them again?
- Are we fearful of the next step (dating, financial issues, etc.)
Why do our "BPD" partners recycle? It is hard for us to understand why our partner is expressing an interest after they left in a torrent of bad behavior (e.g., cheating, raging and telling us that we are a horrible people).
"If they don't love me, why this?" The answer is much of the same reasons as we have... .plus a few others that are related to the disorder.
- Inability to deal with acute loneliness
- Severe insecurity / needing validation (from someone that highly values them)
- Shame / wanting to prove they are a good person (to us or themselves)
- Immaturity/Manipulation/Control - the break-up was just a way to get their way.
If You Want to Stay in the Relationship: The ability to end break-up/make-up cycles and stay in a relationship takes a deep commitment by both partners. This often means structured rehabilitation (counseling, workshops, classes, self-help programs, etc.).
If you are both open to restarting the relationship, remember the problem isn't going to go away without work. Hope is not enough (on both sides).
You may believe that your partner has changed, will change, is sincere this time, will get into treatment if only you come back. They may believe that you changed. Unless there is specific work going on - don't count on it.
If You Want to Leave the Relationship: The power to end the relationship and end the toxic break-up/make-up cycles lies with us... .not our partner. Moreover, it doesn't help us to blame it on our partner - that tends to make us think that they have power over us. Besides, if we both repeatedly recycled we have conditioned this behavior as "normal" in the relationship - just look at these numbers of break-up/make-up cycles in a recent bpdfamily poll:
Number of break-up/make-up cycles (Leavers)--------------------------
None
1-2 (not unusual)
3-5 (unhealthy)
6 - 10 (very unhealthy)
10 or more (wow)
We haven't broken up
Other | -------
(12.8%)
(14.9%)
(38.3%)
(8.5%)
(23.4%)
(0%)
(2.1%) |
<click here> If you are truly done with the relationship, if you have expressed this to the ex and he/she continues to contact you, it is best to reduce our frequency, timing, and the personal nature of our communications (controlled contact) - possibly all the way to ending them (limited or no contact). They are contacting you to engage you... if you
stop engaging the other person will usually move on.
Is he/she sincere or is this just more toxic recycling? Many non's spend much time trying to figure out if the attempted "re-engagement" is sincere. For this reason, it's important to understand the emotional make-up of someone with BPD. They are not crazy/insane - their behaviors are often predictable - especially if we understand the disorder and their history with us. So it is wise to accept that the person with BPD is probably very sincere in wanting to reconnect.
It is important to consider that pwBPD can be highly impulsive and those impulses can change quickly.
So
sincerity is not the issue. The issue is whether the person with BPD (as well as you) can follow through with an emotional commitment.
What do you think about that? Does anything seem like it could apply to your situation?
I really wanna say a lot to her but I know theres no point. She also is from a different state but has been staying in my city lately and it makes me feel sick... It always brought me comfort knowing she was two hours away but now she is right here. Do you guys have any advice? I really wanna lash out at her but I know how futile it is.
If you were to say something to her (not suggesting you do so), what would you want to communicate?
Would this time be different from previous times, or similar to previous times?
It is just so unsatisfying walking away like this after all the pain she has caused me.
What do you think that feeling is about?
