Ned development - Kids' T intervened

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Not sure if I mentioned this, but last month during a family camping trip, W completely dysregulated and raged at me and members of my family.  It was bad - the worst I have ever seen to date and the reason I am back here after an absence.  The long and short of it is W was acting in a way that raised alarms with my sister and her son (raging), who proceeded to not allow W to drive away with the kids by herself.  The end result was W accusing my sister of "kidnapping" the kids and calling the police in hopes the police would arrest my sister or force the kids to be back with her (the police were quite wise to what was going on). 

Kids had a T appointment a few weeks later, and I spent some time talking to their T, giving a synopsis of the event sticking to the facts without placing blame or accusations.  This was intentional, because I wanted W to tell the story to T herself and not accuse me of putting ideas in T's head. 

Yesterday, she finally met with the kids' T, and T told her that the kids were perfectly safe and not scared of my family, and that the kids were probably afraid of her. In other words - whatever was going on with my family was not an issue - but W's overreaction was a big issue.  Frankly, I am surprised W did not fly off the handle at that.  Afterwards, W was actually admitting she has a problem with rage.  I've never heard her admit that before. 

Despite over a dozen people the past month breaking ties with W over her raging, and despite me pleading with her to work with her T on this problem - it took the kids' T to mention this for her to listen.  I don't know what the outcome will be - odds are nothing changes.  I'm learning now that when W is in a rage state she doesn't remember it afterwards. 

[maxsterling]

Not sure if I mentioned this, but last month during a family camping trip, W completely dysregulated and raged at me and members of my family.  It was bad - the worst I have ever seen to date and the reason I am back here after an absence.  The long and short of it is W was acting in a way that raised alarms with my sister and her son (raging), who proceeded to not allow W to drive away with the kids by herself.  The end result was W accusing my sister of "kidnapping" the kids and calling the police in hopes the police would arrest my sister or force the kids to be back with her (the police were quite wise to what was going on). 

Kids had a T appointment a few weeks later, and I spent some time talking to their T, giving a synopsis of the event sticking to the facts without placing blame or accusations.  This was intentional, because I wanted W to tell the story to T herself and not accuse me of putting ideas in T's head. 

Yesterday, she finally met with the kids' T, and T told her that the kids were perfectly safe and not scared of my family, and that the kids were probably afraid of her. In other words - whatever was going on with my family was not an issue - but W's overreaction was a big issue.  Frankly, I am surprised W did not fly off the handle at that.  Afterwards, W was actually admitting she has a problem with rage.  I've never heard her admit that before. 

Despite over a dozen people the past month breaking ties with W over her raging, and despite me pleading with her to work with her T on this problem - it took the kids' T to mention this for her to listen.  I don't know what the outcome will be - odds are nothing changes.  I'm learning now that when W is in a rage state she doesn't remember it afterwards. 

[ForeverDad]

I'm learning now that when W is in a rage state she doesn't remember it afterwards.

I believe the phrase is dissociated.  I saw that in my ex too, her face would redden and get distorted, then later she'd act as though it never happened.

However, I would caution you not to presume she can't remember.  I noticed how my ex somehow, perhaps unconsciously, knew how far to push a matter.  So in some ways she knew where the legally "actionable" versus "not actionable" bar was set.

[Notwendy]

I think it varied with my BPD mother. There were times she seemed to have some recollection of her dissociative episodes- but also she would not assume accountability for them and blame them on someone or something else.

Other times they were intense and I think her memory was fuzzy about them.

While I agree that your wife's response in the kids' therapy session was unusual, from my own experience, I think time will tell if this leads to action on her part to do something about it. It may also be that she realized if she did fly off the handle in this situation, it would be more incriminating.

My BPD mother also was invested in keeping her issues only within our immediate family and for extended family to not see them. My father's family was wary of her from the get go. She didn't like them either but my father's family remained cordial to her. There also was an incident where her behavior became obvious to them. I don't recall the details as I was a child then.

There was a silver lining to this in that, they became a resource for us. School holidays with kids home all day were not a managable situation for BPD mother and probably not safe for us. We would stay with my father's family for part of these school breaks. BPD mother may not have liked them, but we were safe with them and it also benefitted her.

It may not be feasable to improve their relationship with your wife- but they may be willing to have a relationship with your kids. The kids are still young to stay with them for long periods of time, but as they get older, they can be fine away from home.