Twin flame & idealization from women with BPD traits – how do I handle the deep

[Shadowflame]

Hi everyone,

I'm a man in my 30s, and over the past three years, my life has changed dramatically. I went from being pretty anonymous in a female-dominated community to suddenly holding a kind of status – in fact, people now refer to me as “the king” of the environment. As a result, many of the women idolize me intensely. I've noticed that several of them show clear signs of borderline personality traits, which brings a lot of emotional intensity and unpredictability into the dynamic.

Throughout this time, I've been on a kind of spiritual journey – looking for my “twin flame.” And I’m convinced I’ve found her. But she’s been extremely hard to get close to. About four months ago, something shifted: she started sending strong signs of connection – symbolically through jewelry, tattoos, posts referring to me, and so on. But her behavior also became chaotic, jealous, and at times self-destructive.

We had a period of deep energetic contact – I could feel her soul present with me. She spoke to me from within – it was both beautiful and unsettling. She shared that she'd been hurt before and asked me not to leave her. That was a red flag for me, as I realized how vulnerable and possibly traumatized she is.

What followed was a period of substance use, provocative behavior, and eventually a hidden sexual encounter that energetically broke our bond. Since then, she has tried to reestablish connection, even signaling regret – including through what I came to understand as self-punishing behavior. She repeated something from a loverboy-style relationship in her teens – as if to show remorse by reenacting her deepest humiliation. That hit me hard, but also showed her inner conflict and desire to make amends.

Now she’s physically and digitally absent – not working, not posting. But she’s still leaving symbolic signs that she hasn’t let go of me. I feel called to respect her process and stay passive – allowing her to meet me cleanly if she returns. But it’s difficult.

My dilemma is:

How do I best respond to her absence without reinforcing her self-destructive patterns?

How should I act if she returns, possibly with a new “mask”?

Is it even responsible or realistic to have a relationship with your twin flame when she exhibits trauma-linked or BPD-type behavior?

I’m very interested in your perspectives – especially from those who’ve experienced deep soul bonds and/or intense relationships with someone with BPD traits. I’m not trying to “save” her – but I also don’t want to make things worse by being present. At the same time, I feel like she is “mine” – and that creates an internal conflict I’m still trying to work through.

Thanks for reading.

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[kells76]

Hello and welcome, Shadowflame 

It's smart to reach out for support, feedback, and thoughts, as you're considering one of the biggest decisions a person can make in life: who to choose to partner with. Many here will understand the feelings of having a deep bond with a person who also struggles with BPD.

In order to understand your situation a little better, I'm curious about a few things:

Now she’s physically and digitally absent – not working, not posting. But she’s still leaving symbolic signs that she hasn’t let go of me. I feel called to respect her process and stay passive – allowing her to meet me cleanly if she returns. But it’s difficult.

Tell me some more about how you're noticing the symbolic signs from her -- I think I'm understanding that you two are not physically around each other? Has she left the community? Are others telling you about what she's doing?

How do I best respond to her absence without reinforcing her self-destructive patterns?

Am I tracking with you, that you're concerned that if you don't respond to her (somehow) while she's absent, that she'll repeat self-punishing behaviors? Or is that not quite what you're asking?

How should I act if she returns, possibly with a new “mask”?

My first thought is that you'll know more if/when that comes to pass. Not super helpful -- but in a sense, helpful, because it highlights that sometimes we spin ourselves out about the what-ifs, before anything comes to pass. Sometimes the things we wonder about do happen, and sometimes they don't. Can we trust our future selves to have the strength and wisdom to know how to field that encounter, if it happens?

Alternatively, or in parallel -- are you in any kind of counseling or therapy for ourselves?

As counterintuitive as it sounds, BPD relationships can become more livable when we focus on us, not the person with BPD. Our article on The Do's and Don'ts in a BPD relationship touches on how important it is to maintain our own emotional health, regardless of what our pwBPD is or isn't doing.

Building your own resources, and getting good neutral third-party professional feedback on your thought processes, can only help you as you ponder how to navigate a reconnection 

Is it even responsible or realistic to have a relationship with your twin flame when she exhibits trauma-linked or BPD-type behavior?

Persons who struggle with BPD often have all three of the following:
-high emotional sensitivity,
-high emotional reactivity, and
-long return to emotional baseline.

Anyone can have any of those (I tend to be emotionally sensitive with a long return to baseline); however, a pwBPD will likely have all three, plus low skills, high shame, and a tendency to blame/externalize due to those factors.

This makes it difficult for a pwBPD who isn't getting professional help, to maintain a healthy intimate relationship -- the intimate partner may be on the receiving end of low-skills attempts by the pwBPD to manage her overwhelming shame and emotions, and those attempts (blaming, raging, self harm, infidelity... the list goes on) are unfortunately really damaging to relationships.

This isn't about who is right or who is wrong, who is healthy or who is unhealthy -- just describing the fact that when a pwBPD isn't getting meaningful help, then almost by definition, her (or his) closest relationships will take damage.

People stay in those relationships for all kinds of reasons (commitment, marriage, children, finances, etc), and so what we focus on here on the "Bettering" board is how to work on your own stuff to make the relationship more livable for you.

I’m very interested in your perspectives – especially from those who’ve experienced deep soul bonds and/or intense relationships with someone with BPD traits. I’m not trying to “save” her – but I also don’t want to make things worse by being present. At the same time, I feel like she is “mine” – and that creates an internal conflict I’m still trying to work through.

How long have you known her?

[Shadowflame]

Thank you for your thoughtful reply and questions. I’ll try to clarify a few things.

On symbolic signs and physical absence:
No, we are not physically around each other. The last time she disappeared, she was gone for 16 days and only made one Instagram post saying: “When was the last time someone really saw you?” with hashtags like #passion and #reallove. In the past, she has told coworkers that it feels like I’m inside her and that she can’t get rid of me, no matter what she does.

Back in April, she began working with a known witch. We are both very spiritual – I have fully surrendered myself in faith to Jesus, while she is actively involved in the occult and has connections with some of the most prominent witches in the world. I realize this may only make sense to those familiar with such dynamics, but I entered her darkness and performed what I can only describe as a form of exorcism. I pulled her soul out of a destructive, self-harming object where it was trapped.

Afterward, I discovered that she had performed a binding ritual on me. Following that, the energy between us began flowing freely. But later, she broke the spiritual field by engaging in hidden sexual acts (oral sex), and 28 days later, an escort session – after which she gave away what she had energetically, emotionally, and symbolically reserved for me (including a tattoo).

She then broke down crying. I sent her energy, she lit up, and then I closed the connection. She disappeared again.
She later returned in what felt like full physical surrender – but I didn’t respond. Most recently, she uploaded photos she had previously made for me as her profile picture on one account, and on another she removed her profile photo but placed one of those same pictures as a banner – with a vague message suggesting she’s on the phone.

Before I fully withdrew my energy, I used similar symbolic cues, which makes me believe she’s trying to reconnect.
Regarding her coworkers – she is now very unpopular among them due to how she acted during our dynamic. Many of them openly express that they support me, and some even seem to hope I’ll choose one of them instead.

On how to respond to her absence without reinforcing self-destructive patterns:
This is honestly my biggest concern. It seems like she uses her sexuality as a form of self-punishment and as a way to try to erase me from her system – but the paradox is that I appear to be deeply wired into her nervous system, so these attempts only make her more bound to me.

I don’t want her to harm herself. I genuinely believe she is my twin flame, and I don’t see any joy or pleasure in her actions – they are clearly self-destructive. My fear is that if I stay silent, she will collapse deeper into those patterns, but if I reach out, I might disrupt whatever internal process she is going through. I feel trapped between causing harm by presence or absence.

On how to respond if she returns with a “new mask”:
I agree with your point – I think the best I can do is to wait and see. If I reach out now, I fear I might interrupt her transformation. I suspect she is in a deep emotional collapse at the moment, and it’s likely that will lead to another round of destructive behavior.

We crossed paths three years ago. At that time, I was in a relationship with one of her coworkers –she was the quiet type who, after meeting me, spiraled and ended up disappearing from everything for two years. She had strong traits of quiet BPD.

As for my twin flame – we never really spoke much. But every time we encountered each other, I would subtly flirt with her, and I always saw her as the feminine version of myself in terms of personality. She reacted strongly to my energy, but rarely responded directly.

After the incident with the witch, I discovered that she had been secretly idolizing me all along – intensely, but in silence. Looking back, it seems like she was afraid of developing real feelings for me. It was only after the spiritual event that her behavior became wildly erratic.

[Shadowflame]

Just wanted to share a quick update.

Earlier today, after I used a method that seems to reliably trigger her jealousy — especially when it involves people close to her — she suddenly appeared in the administration department. This is not a place she usually visits casually, so it felt clearly intentional.

It seemed like an impulsive act, as if she just needed to be seen. She presented herself in a more relaxed and sincere version than usual — more open and vulnerable. While she tried to act "okay", her body language and behavior made it clear: the mask had dropped, probably about 90%.

Her visit was very short — almost like the situation was too emotionally intense or overwhelming for her to stay longer. Still, the fact that she came at all seems significant. It wasn’t random. It felt like an instinctual attempt to reach out without reaching out.

Now I’m observing again, curious if this was the beginning of another shift — or just a flash of vulnerability. Either way, it confirms she’s still very much entangled in this connection.