Wife likely has BPD. I feel relief, but guilt too

[MaybeBPDHubby]

My marriage has always been a challenge. Usually because I have never been able to succeed in making my wife happy.  One challenge or one test after another... I always fail.  The details are LONG and I won't get into it, but my latest therapist was hearing me out and decided to ask me a few questions.  After I answered them she asked me one more, "Have you ever heard of BPD?" I dove into the book Walking on Eggshells, because the title fit my life perfectly but also the credibility behind it.  I was and still am floored.

The hard part is actually feeling redeemed. In other words, it hasn't been all me this whole time... but I'm also torn wanting to get out of this torture knowing I could leave her behind with such a serious issue.

She hasn't been diagnosed but the signs are giant neon signs. She will soon start therapy with a psychiatrist AND a therapist. Maybe they'll see a few signs and test her for it.. who knows?

She does struggle with depression too, so there's that concern too.  I supposed we can message about the giant neon signs here, but honestly I just really need others like me to share this with. Over the years she's wiped out having any couple friends and among the many friends I have, I don't have the courage to tell them, painting her in negative light (even though they have never had the chance to really spend time with her.  So yeah thats where I'm at right now. Any and all help would be awesome.  Thanks!

[PeteWitsend]

My marriage has always been a challenge. Usually because I have never been able to succeed in making my wife happy.  One challenge or one test after another... I always fail.  The details are LONG and I won't get into it, but my latest therapist was hearing me out and decided to ask me a few questions.  After I answered them she asked me one more, "Have you ever heard of BPD?" I dove into the book Walking on Eggshells, because the title fit my life perfectly but also the credibility behind it.  I was and still am floored.

The hard part is actually feeling redeemed. In other words, it hasn't been all me this whole time... but I'm also torn wanting to get out of this torture knowing I could leave her behind with such a serious issue.

She hasn't been diagnosed but the signs are giant neon signs. She will soon start therapy with a psychiatrist AND a therapist. Maybe they'll see a few signs and test her for it.. who knows?

She does struggle with depression too, so there's that concern too.  I supposed we can message about the giant neon signs here, but honestly I just really need others like me to share this with. Over the years she's wiped out having any couple friends and among the many friends I have, I don't have the courage to tell them, painting her in negative light (even though they have never had the chance to really spend time with her.  So yeah thats where I'm at right now. Any and all help would be awesome.  Thanks!

Well, welcome, and good for you for looking into this and finding this board.  You'll find plenty of other people here who've been through it and are in various stages of dealing with a pwBPD, whether they are spouses, boyfriends/girlfriends, children, parents or extended family members.   

I think you need to prepare yourself for the strong possibility that therapy & even psychiatric help are unlikely to produce any long term change, if the issue truly is BPD.  It's not a condition that's easy to treat. 

Depression is more treatable, and perhaps if that improves, overall your situation will be more positive, but I'm of the opinion that BPD is so debilitating for social relationships overall that it pretty much overwhelms any comorbid conditions or other behavioral issues. 

In the long term, start to decide what you want, and understand when your partner has BPD, you're making decisions on your own.  You're not going to be able to work anything out with them here.  If you decide to stay, you'll likely have to learn and constantly be working on conflict avoidance and resolution techniques, and also determining the boundaries you need for yourself and how to establish those, regardless of how your spouse is going to react.

If you have kids together, that complicates things further, regardless of whether you decide to stay or leave, because either way you need to take pains to ensure that your kids are learning not to model their behavior after their disordered parent, and protect them from the disordered parent's rages, insults, and general maladjusted way of behaving and perceiving the world.

[awakened23]

My marriage has always been a challenge. Usually because I have never been able to succeed in making my wife happy.  One challenge or one test after another... I always fail.  The details are LONG and I won't get into it, but my latest therapist was hearing me out and decided to ask me a few questions.  After I answered them she asked me one more, "Have you ever heard of BPD?" I dove into the book Walking on Eggshells, because the title fit my life perfectly but also the credibility behind it.  I was and still am floored.

MBH, I'm sorry to hear your predicament and I hope you find the solace and clarity on moving forward in your life and relationships. Word for word what you wrote above describes the exact situation of my life when I found about BPD a couple of years back similarly from a therapist. Since then I have been in a greater dilemma on what the future holds. I discovered my uBPDw was having an affair that she has since broke off. When I think of that or during the rages that continue every few weeks, I want to quit immediately. The love bombing phases, the responsibility I feel toward her especially in light of this mental illness, and my worries on how she would get on with life, melt my heart and keep me sucked in. Life is not easy..thats for sure. It's the only relationship that will suck up all your energy and all other relationships/friendships in your world eventually will get diluted or isolated.

[pantherpanther]

To quote fictional Doc Holliday, "Reminds me of... me."

You have integrity, and it is coded into the subtext of your whole story.  Your concern for her wellbeing overrides your own pain.  That makes the whole situation and any decision weigh heavily upon you.

I'll assume you'd have mentioned kids if you already have them.  Step one is DO NOT until things are more well sorted out.  Accept that things may never be sorted out.  If you think deciding how to act is difficult now, then consider how you'll feel post-divorce when she gets custody and you're not there to shield them.  Others will rightly say this isn't a healthy perspective, but it has been my story.

I'd have never dreamed of divorce when I was younger.  Anything short of infidelity would have conflicted with my religious values.  Fast forward -- currently married 22 years, 3 kids, and recently cheated on because she has an infinite need for validation and no issue with getting it by any means necessary.  Her apparent moral character was one of her most attractive traits, but as the song goes, "Ya know she tricked me easy."  Nothing got better with time.  Only worse.

To be fair, she only started therapy 8 months ago, so I can't comment on whether that is a glimmer of hope in the long run.  So far, it has helped maybe 5% at most.

I never even heard of BPD until 10 years ago, but I lived alongside it for more than twice that long.  On eggshells the whole time.  If I had a time machine, I'd warn younger me of what was to come long before children entered the equation.

I'd tell him, "You aren't going to listen to me, but you need to escape."  He wouldn't have listened to reason because he was smitten.  And here we are.

[MaybeBPDHubby]

Thanks for helping me feel like I'm not alone.  That was the part of the Eggshells book that floored me... hearing scenarios  played out that were IDENTICAL to mine... dozens of them. Now I see more here.

We do have kids. Two. A junior in college and a freshman in college. Honestly, who she is to them and who she is to me is very different. Even tho she has no friends, she can be 100% pleasant to who she wants or needs to be, which my therapist says is typical BPD. Lately though, the kids have been questioning her behavior... "Why would you say that?" kind of moments.

She did cheat on me once years ago. The kids were babies... of course it was my fault because I wasn't giving her the attention she required. But other than that, not really part of our problems. The love bombing isn't either.  The total opposite in fact.  Her childhood was pretty brutal and showing affecton is impossible, yet she requires ultimate devotion and attention.

- Stand up for me and I'll show you I love you. 
- Get rid of (fill in the blank) and I'll pay attention to you.
- prove to me you can do this, Ill ________.

The tests are too long to lay out.  Never really mattered, I failed all of them. From asking me to get rid of pets, hobbies to family members and friends... never worked.

The sad part is I've gotten used to it. I've had a couple traumatic experiences unrelated to my marriage, but during it.  Looking back I received little to no support from her. Truth is that I was groomed - to use an awful but accurate word - into thinking i didn't deserve it.  But I'd better provide support when she needs it.

The divorce will be ugly.  I know that, but I'm hoping all the hard work I've put in over the years pays off.  We're not rich, but I've literally - and proudly - paid for everything with my salary. House, cars, medical, education (hers too), utilities, insurace.... literally all of it. Im so tired and exhausted, id like to walk away and not have to support her anymore.  Part of me feels like it's time she take care of herself... but then I go back to where I started in my initial post.  I feel bad and don't want to do that to her. It doesn't feel right.  That's my mental tug of war. 

Do I love her?  Ya. More than 2 decades, two great kids and at the end of the day, she's been a great mother to them (although this condition has challenged us being good parents I suppose).  Lots of push and pull.  Its tough.

[ForeverDad]

Your children may be grown - and divorce will be less complicated with no custody or parenting schedule issues to restrict you - but they surely have been impacted by growing up in an abnormal home environment.  How could they not?

Hopefully your T has already recommended they start counseling sessions of their own.  Even with what they learn from you, they won't get the full picture of how much they've been impacted by the endless "flying monkeys" during their most formative years.  It's also important because they'll soon, if not already, have their own adult relationships.  You don't want them to be choosing the examples they saw in their childhood, whether a clueless, passive partner or an aggressive, acting out partner.

of course it was my fault because I wasn't giving her the attention she required

No, you're not at fault for not knowing what you didn't know.  No matter how hard you might have tried, it would never have been enough.*  The nature of BPD is that the closer the relationship, the more devastating the behaviors.  Let the guilt go.  That's the past.  Let the guilt go.  It's never too late to set a better example of appropriate boundaries for everyone with educated and informed decisions.

* Because of your close relationship as a couple, you were too close for your spouse to truly listen to anything you would have tried to say, there was too much baggage of the past close relationship - a BPD perception hallmark trait - for her to really listen to you.  That's why therapy with an emotionally neutral expert might help your stbEx, maybe.

[PeteWitsend]

...


The tests are too long to lay out.  Never really mattered, I failed all of them. From asking me to get rid of pets, hobbies to family members and friends... never worked.

...

The Bottomless Pit.  You throw whatever they demand into the pit, in an attempt to fill it and buy peace, but it's never enough... because of course, the pit is bottomless and impossible to fill.  Eventually you have nothing left to give up, but yourself. 

But the issue isn't with any of your friends, family, hobbies, likes, etc.  It never was. 

The problem is entirely in her head. 

I went through this too.  But unlike you, I didn't feel any sympathy for her, and in fact was very bitter and wanted out really early in the marriage; only stayed as long as I did (5 1/2 years total) because we had a daughter together who was obviously very young through all that.  But near the end of the marriage, I could see that my daughter was aware of it, and didn't like it. 

When my daughter would try to stick up for me, or intervene in arguments (which was very touching, as young as she was), her mom would actually start attacking her and picking on her.  That was another thing that spurred me to get out & get my daughter a counselor. 

[pantherpanther]

OK, we're almost twins at this point. 

An important exception is that mine was recently diagnosed.  That matters in my situation.  It took rock bottom (sexual and financial infidelity) to get her to the clinic, but the validation made a huge difference for me.

My adult/older teen kids now know she has BPD.  This is where revelations began.  They told me stories from childhood I wasn't even aware of.  Ex: berating me and frequently threatening suicide on the drive to school.

One child has always been my wife's favorite person.  It negatively affected her in ways that were very different than the other two.  One was (metaphorically) suffocated and the other two were never good enough.  The diagnosis led to therapeutic discussions between the kids and me.  You've likely been through a war together, on separate battlefronts, without knowing the extent. 

They're closer to me now than ever because they have a sense for what's been going on behind the scenes.  I'm pleasantly shocked.

If you can figure out a trick to get the diagnosis, that's a win.  Transparency with older kids is also a win, but may or may not be risky without the former.

[MaybeBPDHubby]

Sorry, I'm learning to respond, but I think I'm actually messaging people. 

[MaybeBPDHubby]

Eventually you have nothing left to give up, but yourself. 

But the issue isn't with any of your friends, family, hobbies, likes, etc.  It never was. 

[MaybeBPDHubby]

Sorry, I'm trying to figure out how to do excerpts here... but in response to that last one:

That part right there hits hard too especially as it relates to friends.  I'm so tired of doing everything alone. All my friends do things with their wives and they all get together.  She can't get along with any of the wives.  She says none of them like her and always finds ways to create an issue with them. So I either go alone to everything or don't go at all.  I hate it.

Then everywhere we go, she seems to find someone that has an issue with her.  Then I poke around and to me, everyone seems super nice... but then I'm not on her side, not sticking up for her and it blows up the night. There's always a sabotage. Vacations, weddings, holidays, special occasions... they're all tainted by something that blew up. My poor kids.

Let me set the scene... we once went to a Yacht Rock concert in the city. Outdoor venue, nice dinner, drinks, amazing music, the city lights. It was a like a scene out of movie.  Then the song "She's gone" by Hall and Oats was played.  I love that song and know every word. As I was singing along, she turns to me and says, "What girl does this song remind you of? Who? Tell me?"

She was willing to blow the whole night up. And no, it reminds of no one. Luckily I diffused that one, but stuff like that happens ALL THE TIME.  I just don't get it.  I'm learning now I don't have to.

[ForeverDad]

All these incidents, conflicts and stresses on you are all a reflection of your spouse's mental health issues.  It's not about you.  You don't have to be the fixer to put out the forest fires and make it all right.  Frankly, you can't, not if you want to live a normal life.  The fact is that your marriage is seriously dysfunctional.  It's your decision as to whether you can handle being a relationship fireman for the foreseeable future.

How to do excerpts... At the top right of the post you want to quote, click the "Excerpt" link which opens a box with the post's text.  You can remove the text you want to exclude.  Be sure the reply includes the initial "quote" section and the final "/quote" at the end.  Note that both must be enclosed by square brackets.  Then below all that you can add your own text.

[ForeverDad]

Because of your close relationship as a couple, you were too close for your spouse to truly listen to anything you would have tried to say, there was too much baggage of the past close relationship - a BPD perception hallmark trait - for her to really listen to you.  That's why therapy with an emotionally neutral expert might help your stbEx, maybe.

Let me expand on a few aspects of this comment, keeping in mind this is largely insight I've gained from participation here over the years, after all, we are here as peer support for guidance and information.

We tried to repair our relationship, typically for years and years but we failed.  Our logical and calm interaction was met too often, if not also interrupted and shouted down, with vitriol, disparagement and resurrected allegations.  The incidents may have started on rare triggered events but over time it was becoming more and more frequent.  And there was more vitriol as well, our calm approach was shut down by the other's interruptions and emotional perceptions declared as "facts".  For people who were supposed to be in a loving relationship this had become more than an occasional spat.

We were constantly egged on to respond similarly, yet if we did that then it would make any observers unsure who was right or wrong, it would have degenerated into bickering and squabbling, both rolling around in the mud, so to speak.  I recall one time that I raised my voice after my then-spouse's shouting, she got a look on her face, "Aha! I got to him!"

The Borderline dynamic is that our close relationships, where much of the interaction is in private locations such as behind closed doors or while traveling in moving vehicles, enable both to relax and let down their "public" face and reveal their inner person.  For relatively normal people (us) it's a good thing.  For a dysfunctional person, instead negativity and criticism come to the fore.  Typically they are self-oriented perceptions, not couple-oriented ones.  And violent ones, verbally and perhaps even progressing to physically.

Because of the Borderline traits, the other doesn't let go of the past baggage of the relationship, it accumulates.  And too often we can't stop that progression because we are in the middle of the relationship.  Others on the periphery or occasional encounters may notice something "off" with a person displaying Borderline traits (pwBPD), but it isn't as impacting and they go on with  their lives.  Not so for us, we are very impacted, devastatingly so.  So are the children, if any.  (Walls have ears, right?)

What might help the pwBPD long term is for them to start and diligently continue meaningful therapy with someone else - someone NOT in a personal or emotional relationship with them - who can guide them to a measure of recovery.  However, many pwBPD refuse to take a close look at themselves.  Or they may start, then quit, claiming they're already fixed.  Then what can we do?

First, remember it is advised not to tell the other we think they have a specific disorder.  Saying "BPD" is perceived as a blaming label and can trigger extreme overreactions.  Leave that to a therapist, if possible.

Let's step back to what we can do NOW... What to do when the other commandeers the, um, conversation and you can't get a word in edgewise?  This is a common tactic by a pwBPD, bulldoze any response.  This is where practical Link Tools & Skills workshops: Boundaries come in.

The pwBPD typically resists boundaries, so trying to tell the other what to say/do or not say/do is an exercise in futility.  (Imagine mythical Sisyphus pushing that boulder up the mountain and it rolling back down only for him to do that task again endlessly.)  So the lesson is that Boundaries are for us, how we respond to poor behavior.

At its core, a boundary can be something like, "If you do or don't do ___ then I in response will do or not do ___."  It's not tit for tat, as in retaliation.  It's how you respond.  For example, your response might be to state, "I will leave and walk the dog (go to the park, restaurant, shopping, etc)" and then you return once things have calmed down or the other has reset.

Obviously it may take many times for this boundary to be accepted.  Or it may never be accepted.  But you won't know until you're tried it many times.  Expect it to be vociferously resisted.  These are "extinction bursts" intended to get you to return to the previous ineffective patterns.  Hopefully these outbursts will lessen over time.  If so, then great!  But of course it may just morph over to something else and then you have to call up your boundary response for better behavior yet again and again.

Will the boundaries work?  Perhaps, especially if you don't allow them to be weakened or overrun.  But what if you tried repeatedly and they still weren't enough?  That may be a signal - or another signal - that the relationship doesn't have a healthy future, at least as is.  In such cases, you face a Major Decision, do you keep trying for a few more painful cycles of push-pull or do you accept it has failed?

Be aware that even if the adult relationship (marriage, significant other, etc) ends, if there are children then your parenting never ends, that should and will continue.  (That too may be yet another boundary to establish, that you will not walk away or be blocked from parenting.)

[PeteWitsend]

...

Let me set the scene... we once went to a Yacht Rock concert in the city. Outdoor venue, nice dinner, drinks, amazing music, the city lights. It was a like a scene out of movie.  Then the song "She's gone" by Hall and Oats was played.  I love that song and know every word. As I was singing along, she turns to me and says, "What girl does this song remind you of? Who? Tell me?"

She was willing to blow the whole night up. And no, it reminds of no one. Luckily I diffused that one, but stuff like that happens ALL THE TIME.  I just don't get it.  I'm learning now I don't have to.

Ha, yeah, the world is a minefield when your partner has BPD. 

I remember once I was in the kitchen making a salad and she was doing something elsewhere in the house.  I had an inkling to listen to the song "If You Could Read My Mind" by Gordon Lightfoot.  My parents used to play his music a lot when I was a kid, and I hated it back then, but it has grown on me over the years and I started to appreciate it.  I got a couple of his songs on itunes and would play them once and a while. 

Anyways, there's a line in that song that goes:
"I don't know where we went wrong, but the feeling's gone and I just can't get it back"

I had no idea BPDxw was even listening, and I remembering turning around to see that familiar "unhinged and insane anger" look in her eyes, and heard her start yelling something incoherent.  When I finally got her to respond to my question of what she was so angry at, and what I did wrong, she mentioned that lyric.

Apparently the music triggered her into thinking I was playing that song as like a subliminal message to her, telling her that I didn't love her anymore... "the feelings gone and I just can't get it back."  Or maybe she was so insane that she believed the song reflected actual reality?  I don't know.  Either way, that threw me for a loop! 

[cynp]

How can so many of us be living such similar lives. I have also had song lyrics trigger a rage incident, and also tv/movies. I had a quiet evening watching a movie with my partner that turned into a dsaster when a character was having an affair, and they began acusing me of cheating. It turned into a night of screaming, namecalling, and crying. All because of a stupid movie.

[PeteWitsend]

How can so many of us be living such similar lives. I have also had song lyrics trigger a rage incident, and also tv/movies. I had a quiet evening watching a movie with my partner that turned into a dsaster when a character was having an affair, and they began acusing me of cheating. It turned into a night of screaming, namecalling, and crying. All because of a stupid movie.

I guess that's why it's a disorder.  Disordered thinking leads them to conflate reality with fiction.  I'd also notice this, when the topic of infidelity came up for whatever reason. 

But I noticed that she could turn it off when it conflicted with another "pet issue" of hers.  She claimed she was opposed to infidelity and generally took the woman's side every time, and held this up as an example of why men couldn't be trusted, and conveniently by extension, why she could never trust me.  But then, I had a female family member she was always feuding with, and that family member got cheated on.  However, BPDxw had no sympathy for her, and declared it was her own fault & she deserved it (it wasn't at all, but telling her that would've just lead to a HUGE argument).  I guess infidelity is okay sometimes, as long as it happens to the wrong person.

[MaybeBPDHubby]

PeteWitsEnd, first off I consider that Lightfoot song as having among the best lyrics I've ever heard.

The thought they we have so many similarities is a good thing in my opinion.  I guess thats the point of this forum... to share what we have in common and learn, but know we aren't alone.

I've always struggled with the sabotage moments. Can't stand them. Dinners, vacations, holidays... all of them. Sadly, it feels good to know it's not me. For decades I've questioned if I was a good husband.  Did other husband do all the things I was being told that I'm failing at?

Now I'm seeing that being not listened to (another biggie), not allowed to speak, the sabatoging, are all part of one giant gaslighting... with tons of gaslighting involved within the overarching gaslighting, is all typical. By the way, I stopped my wife the other day and kindly said, "don't gaslight me."  She now loathed the word.  Maybe cuz I recognize it and took that weapon away.

Here's my big challenge now:  Since I cant tell her she has BPD (or shouldnt), I have to wait and hope her soon to be therapist and psychologist pick up the signs and they tell her.  I do feel like I cant start the separation until that happens. Why? Im not sure really.  It just feels like the correct progression.

[zachira]

The therapist is unlikely to tell your wife she had BPD, as it will make it more difficult to treat her. People with BPD are not open to learning about what might be wrong with them, because they have a personality disorder.

[Notwendy]

Maybe the reaction to the song is a projection.

A song can bring up a memory. Good ones and bad ones. But when we remember something or someone in the past- it's in the past. For the person with BPD- feelings feel like facts. If they are remembering something, the feeling feels like it's happening right then. If they project it- then you must be thinking about some person as if it were right now too.

[PeteWitsend]

PeteWitsEnd, first off I consider that Lightfoot song as having among the best lyrics I've ever heard.

The thought they we have so many similarities is a good thing in my opinion.  I guess thats the point of this forum... to share what we have in common and learn, but know we aren't alone.

I've always struggled with the sabotage moments. Can't stand them. Dinners, vacations, holidays... all of them. Sadly, it feels good to know it's not me. For decades I've questioned if I was a good husband.  Did other husband do all the things I was being told that I'm failing at?

Now I'm seeing that being not listened to (another biggie), not allowed to speak, the sabatoging, are all part of one giant gaslighting... with tons of gaslighting involved within the overarching gaslighting, is all typical. By the way, I stopped my wife the other day and kindly said, "don't gaslight me."  She now loathed the word.  Maybe cuz I recognize it and took that weapon away.

Here's my big challenge now:  Since I cant tell her she has BPD (or shouldnt), I have to wait and hope her soon to be therapist and psychologist pick up the signs and they tell her.  I do feel like I cant start the separation until that happens. Why? Im not sure really.  It just feels like the correct progression.

You don't have to wait for anything; consider the outcome you want, and take steps to achieve that - whether that is separation, divorce, or finding a way to live with it.  Waiting for a disordered person to make a decision, or agree to something is an exercise in futility, as is trying to get them to agree to a divorce, or if divorcing, any sort of reasonable division of property and child custody. 

It could very well happen that she goes to therapy and tells the therapist you verbally berate her every night, and she can't sleep at all, and then comes home and tells you that her therapist said she's fine and conversely you are the problem.  Or maybe the therapist does diagnose her, but then she lies about it to you, or denies it, says the therapist is out to get her, and stops going.  Either way, it's a common story here that therapy/counseling for the BPD has one of two outcomes: 1) they manipulate the proceeding in such a way that it allows them to deflect blame and dodge responsibility for their own actions or; 2) it doesn't and they refuse to go anymore.

I went through this as well, thinking that I wasn't ready to leave yet, and hoping therapy, both for her and for us, would open a door to some sort of improvement.  It ended up just being a run on the proverbial hampster wheel, and often provoked more conflict when outcome #2 I mentioned happened during the sessions. 

I went to see a therapist myself, to get a sense of which-way-was-up regarding some of the really distorting stuff, and that helped me see that I was started to accept BPDxw's reality of what was normal and what was unfair.  I recall one thing that happened, where my aunt was visiting us and commenting that my daughter was "so smart just like her father."  When she said this, BPDxw turned red and I knew what was coming... an angry tirade because my aunt didn't say BPDxw was also smart, etc.  BPDxw actually forced me to stand with her and jointly confront my aunt before she left (she had flown to visit us, took us out to dinner, brought gifts, etc.) which I felt super awful about and have apologized for.  It took my aunt a while to get over it.

Anyhow, I remember the therapist saying "Nothing your aunt said was unfair or inappropriate, full stop.  Just because your wife is insecure or paranoid doesn't give her the right to act like that."  And then I realized that I was enabling the behavior.  I was allowing myself to become part of the problem. 

There wasn't a solution, BTW.  BPDxw would act inappropriately and behave like this whether I went along with it or not, the only difference would be whether she'd direct her anger at me for not "supporting" her, or whether I would participate in her taking her anger out on whatever person she decided to get upset with in that moment.  For me, that was no question at all... I loved my family and knew I had good friends, and I could see the anguish I was causing them by going along with the demands of this thoroughly rotten human being, and I decided the only thing I could do was get off this demented ride and file for divorce.