Struggling with being painted so black

[BothSidesNow]

I wasn't sure whether to post in this section or in the "trying to reverse a break-up" section: hopefully it's progress that I've accepted (almost) that it's over.

I'm just finding it so hard to have been dumped so suddenly and seemingly for the last time when I haven't done anything.  I've been accused of lying, cheating, prioritising others, being "sick" and "twisted" and "repulsive" - and yet I've always been honest, I worshipped the ground he stood on, I arranged my life around him and have tried to show nothing but love and care.  It wouldn't be so hard to take if his accusations had any truth in them - but they don't.

How do people cope with this?  Most recently, he got angry and jealous that I didn't respond to a text from him during an actual funeral and I was discarded by means of an extremely hostile email where he called me all sorts of names, whilst simultaneously lamenting his own "wasted" goodness, kindness, authenticity and forgiveness.  Not the first discard, but I assume the last one.  And received on returning home from said funeral - that of one of my oldest friends. 

I keep hoping he'll see the error of his ways and re-approach me, although I'm gradually starting to accept, at least in an intellectual sense, that it's probably for the best if I don't hear from him again.  Yet it hurts that someone I valued so very much until very recently seems to have such a low opinion of me.  He "thanks god" that he "finally saw how evil I was" and pages and pages in that vein. 

Yes, he sends emails describing my flaws - some of them as long as 15 pages long.  I've had several, each gradually getting more hostile (although, "interestingly" he didn't use swear words in the latest one after I'd said I wouldn't engage with him if he continued to swear.  So maybe that was one boundary he accepted?)  Usually, after a bit of back and forth after these messages, he suddenly relents and tells me he loves me and that he won't repeat such behaviour.  I think he believes this at the time he says it, but it never lasts more than a few weeks.

We're in our 50s and it's embarrassing to see this all written down - why on earth did I put up with this?  My daughter (20) came across a single page from one of his emails that I'd accidently left lying around and was very shocked by it, asking me if I was "okay" and observing that: "It's all me, me, me. He seems to think you should arrange your whole life around him".   Ironically, most of his email was him describing me as egocentric. 

Intellectually, I can see that most of the things he accuses me of could be better used to describe him and that he has very little self-awareness.  So why do his words hurt me so much, and how can I stop myself ruminating on it all.

I haven't heard from him for almost a month now.  I sent him a message just over a week ago, saying that I'd like to reconnect and assuring him my door remained open to him.  No response, but I haven't been blocked, either.  I'm at a point now where part of me is still hoping to hear back and I find myself checking my phone - yet another part of me recognises that any reconnection would almost inevitably just leads to another iteration of the cycle which ends in me being unceremoniously dumped with yet another list of my supposed failings.

I don't think he's found someone new - it seems unlikely, given his personal circumstances, but not impossible.

I suppose what I'm asking is how does one make sense of what has happened, get past the pain of it all and move on? 

 

[CC43]

I’m sorry you’re feeling hurt, and it must be hard to hear so many accusations, even if they are untrue.

In reading your post, I have two reflections. First off, he is likely projecting his own negative thoughts about himself onto you. That is very typical behavior with BPD. Secondly, having a meltdown when death or sickness happens is also very typical. It may be that he resents it when you dedicate any emotional energy to anyone other than him. I bet he thinks you are selfish, and he will not have any empathy whatsoever for your grief.

Even if you understand this, it probably doesn’t make you feel much better. Just know that it’s BPD, and not your fault.

[BothSidesNow]

Thanks for responding.

I'm  not even exactly sure what I'm looking for in posting here - perhaps just the comfort of knowing others have been through similar and my SO's behaviour is a reflection of his own problems, rather than of anything I did.  Sure, I did try to explain why so many of his fears or accusations were unfounded - and I realise now that he probably felt invalidated when I did so.  But I was assuming he was open to reason and rationality, not seeking to hurt him.

It's interesting what you wrote about pwBPD having a meltdown when sickness or death occurs - his previous meltdown came when he accused me of lying about my friend's terminal prognosis, saying I fabricated it as an excuse to go visit her.  Sadly, I was able to "prove" that I was being truthful when my friend died a couple of weeks later.  BPD boyfriend went quiet for a week or so before telling me he was struggling to sleep, thinking about how her family must be suffering.  I assumed that was as close to an apology as I was going to get, so let it go. 

I warned him about the funeral in good time and he seemed okay that I was going.  But I didn't respond to a text sent during the funeral - and apparently that 56 minute wait makes me a self-centred and evil person who he has no further wish to be in contact with, let alone be in a relationship with.

Writing it down, I can see how mad it all seems - and this is just the tip of the iceberg.  Yet I feel drawn to him like nobody else.  It isn't even the first time we've been in a relationship together - we initially met at university over 25 years ago where we had a very passionate relationship, but with similar patterns then of him getting upset about seemingly innocuous things and pulling away, then re-connecting as if nothing had happened before the final sudden discard.  New girlfriend back then - possibly the same has happened again, but I just don't know.
Just before we split we had an otherwise perfectly pleasant conversation where he talked about how lots of girls had chased him over the years - it was kind-of in context with the rest of the conversation, but I was left feeling slightly uneasy for reasons I couldn't articulate. 

Anyway, he has a string of short-lived and unstable relationships at the age of 55.  Even if he has a new partner, I know it's only a question of time before she faces what I did - and what all the other girls in his past undoubtedly did.  All very sad.