I am a work in progress learning how to have healthy relationships!

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I am an older woman and have not dated in years. Recently, there are two men very much interested in dating me, becoming more than friends. I have known both of them for years, and they are both fine people in their own right. One of them, I am very much attracted to though feel he just isn't the right person for me. The other I have never really been attracted to, though I do like him for the kind of person he is. I feel so frustrated with how men will suddenly pursue me, and how I never get to be the one to decide who I want. I find that there are men who would date me, just because they perceive I am interested in them or I have something they want like a place to live, even though they are not really all that interested in me. I really want to choose and not be chosen, because being chosen before I am ready really just does not work for me. I want a kind man with similar values and interests as mine along with their being close to reciprocal feelings about wanting to be together. I don't want a man that wants me more than I want him, or a man that I want who really is not all that interested in me. I realize that I have always let myself be chosen instead of making the effort to find a partner that would be a right fit for me.

[zachira]

I am an older woman and have not dated in years. Recently, there are two men very much interested in dating me, becoming more than friends. I have known both of them for years, and they are both fine people in their own right. One of them, I am very much attracted to though feel he just isn't the right person for me. The other I have never really been attracted to, though I do like him for the kind of person he is. I feel so frustrated with how men will suddenly pursue me, and how I never get to be the one to decide who I want. I find that there are men who would date me, just because they perceive I am interested in them or I have something they want like a place to live, even though they are not really all that interested in me. I really want to choose and not be chosen, because being chosen before I am ready really just does not work for me. I want a kind man with similar values and interests as mine along with their being close to reciprocal feelings about wanting to be together. I don't want a man that wants me more than I want him, or a man that I want who really is not all that interested in me. I realize that I have always let myself be chosen instead of making the effort to find a partner that would be a right fit for me.

[Notwendy]

This is really good insight. I'm not single but hearing from my adult children and single friends, it seems that dating is a challenge. How to find an compatible person isn't simple.

In a dating situation, I think there needs to be some chemistry but initial attraction doesn't tell us much about the person. I think we also can trust our gut. The man you feel attraction too- you have the feeling things aren't quite right. You like the other one and don't feel an initial attraction to- but you don't know how this will develop over time.

I am wary that those of us who grew up in dysfunctional families may be mislead by our inititial chemistry. That doesn't mean avoiding people who are attractive, but to avoid jumping into a relationship too quickly.

I don't think it matters as much who chooses who first but how things develop over time. Each of you choose. If you take things slow, I think you will get to know someone better. It may be that neither of these men are a compatible match for you. It's also possible that the one you don't find inititially attractive is, if you get to know him better but also be honest. If there's no chemistry over some time, then there isn't.

[zachira]

Notwendy,
I love your insights. Yes, taking it slow seems to be the key to finding a healthy relationship. These men really scare me about how anxious they are to get involved with me. I want a man who is happy by himself and not looking for a woman to help him deal with his loneliness.

[Notwendy]

Notwendy,
I love your insights. Yes, taking it slow seems to be the key to finding a healthy relationship. These men really scare me about how anxious they are to get involved with me. I want a man who is happy by himself and not looking for a woman to help him deal with his loneliness.

Someone who is anxious and pushing would scare me too.

We both grew up in families where if someone was being nice to us- it was because they wanted something. We also tend to be sensitive to people's feelings- and that was a protective mechanism. You could be spot on right with your assumption. Or- someone being nice to you feels scary.

I think it's important to trust your gut- but if you aren't certain- then go at your slower pace- not the one being pushed. If someone is genuinely interested in you- they will respect that. If they get rudely pushing, or keep pushing, you will see that too.

You've known these men for years- and so this may be a friendship you don't want to completely break up (unless you do). I think a slow and mutually respecful pace would be what preserves that the best, if possible. Maybe you will feel a spark and maybe not.

If you are certain- these men are not for you- then go back to friends. Hopefully, they don't feel so hurt they can do that. Consider- what is a goal of dating in middle age? I think companionship is one of them. I think romance is a goal too but if that isn't there, friends are companions too. You can decide how close the relationship is. If they want romance- and that isn't what you want- they can keep looking for that.

Are you working with a counselor or therapist? I think this is something they can help guide you with. I understand being scared. "Normal" wasn't role modeled for adult children who grew up in disordered families. Someone to help guide you through this and keep you focused on your goals and feelings might be helpful.

[zachira]

Notwendy,
Close relationships are definitely scary for me. I was abandoned and left in the crib all day as a baby. I have avoidant attachment, which means I value being self sufficient over close relationships. I do need to go back to therapy, however I feel that talk therapy is not the answer, as I have no verbal memories of my worst traumas and never will because of how young I was when they occurred. I do want to go to someone who does mind body therapy, and make that more of a priority. My body is still too tight, though I have made amazing progress. I used to be unable to tolerate massage, and now I enjoy it. I still see how I am missing being able to experience joy, though fairly even keeled most of the time, and no longer suffer from depression.

These two men have strong trauma histories and I like both of them as friends. We have never dated, and I would like to keep the friendships. Now I have a mix of friends, some with serious trauma histories and others with healthy attachment who have loving healthy families. I used to not to be able friends with healthier people, and now I can. I have always let men pursue me, instead of actually making the effort to find a man who is a good fit for me. I continue to be a work in progress as I do better in making healthier relationships with myself and others.

Thank you for making me do some deeper thinking.

[Notwendy]

I had not felt the need for therapy for a while. Then, somehow it seemed that being involved with my BPD mother's care in her elder years, even with boundaries, seemed to be affecting other aspects of my world. I wasn't feeling the job satisfaction at work like I did before. When doing things with my family and friends, I was still thinking about her situation.

While I was willing to be involved and could do this, as she had made me POA, I also recognized that this is frequent contact with a person who I was afraid of as a child. Even though rationally- this was a frail elderly person now, and I am not a child- there's history and there's feelings. I made an appointment with a therapist to help me cope with this. BPD mother passed away and I am still seeing one to process current situations.

Sometimes our intuition about another person is spot on. We should trust our gut. Sometimes though, we experience a current situation through the emotions we experienced as a child. The example of my mother having been frail and elderly in the present while I was experiencing her from the perspective of a small child who was scared of her is one of them. Talk therapy is helpful because if I bring up a situation in the present, but speak about it as if it happened in the past, the therapist can show me the connection between the two.

The therapist is suggesting considering EMDR. One goal is to have new experiences that aren't as influenced by the older ones- which helps us and also helps us relate to people better. We still can "trust our gut" feelings to help us avoid disordered people. Talking helps her to help me with that perspective as well. So you may need more than talking but the talking can help the therapist decide what to recommend.

Even if we aren't dating someone or in a relationship- we always have relationships of different kinds with different people. It's known that people with trauma may attract and be attracted to other people with trauma. It may not be a deal breaker if the person is aware and has and continues to be working on it like you are. If someone is in denial and blaming you for their trauma, that would be a red flag to me.

[zachira]

Notwendy,
One of the best therapists I have ever known who was never my therapist was a child therapist who worked with highly traumatized children. She kept in contact with her clients through on and off therapy while they were children and as adults. One of the things she said was a person cannot be in therapy all the time. I agree we need breaks and then when new issues arise to go back to therapy, especially if we are survivors of childhood abuse and ongoing abuse along with trauma reenactments as adults.

EMDR was the therapy more than any other talk therapy which really changed how I felt about myself and allowed me to heal. I was really disappointed when my therapist quit doing EMDR because of how traumatizing it was for many clients. For me, the discomfort was worth all the progress and life changes I made.

I have so much respect for how you dealt with your mother. After my mother died, my world feel apart. My mother being alive protected me from dealing with a lot of the wrath from my siblings. Having her gone, made me face over time what kind of family I really have, and I am now mostly a person who does not have a family. I think getting involved with a significant other is terrifying for me, because of how I have been abused and abandoned by my own family.

I was horrified at how I reacted to this professional mistreating me. I was acting like I have behaved with boyfriends I did not even care about, begging them to take me back when the relationship was not working at all. I have not acted like this in many years. Sometimes we relapse unexpectedly, though I have bounced back quickly compared to in the past. When we have experienced severe lifetime abuse, our traumas will never likely go completely away, though we can become more resilient and bounce back more quickly over time. I think it is like a drug addict or alcoholic always needing to be aware that relapse is always a possibility and to never take for granted their sobriety.

[Notwendy]

We are all a work in progress.

Dating seems so complicated these days, but a part of a healthy relationship is being able to be vulnerable (with the right person) and that is a challenge when one has experienced trauma. I do see the parallel to some kind of addiction- but to isolate - avoid the possibility- like not going near alcohol- that isn't a good solution either.

One idea, rather than think of dating- is to get involved in activities or organizations where you meet other people. Opening a new social avenue will put you in contact with new people that you may find to be compatible and see where that leads.