I don't know if I understood the conversation- but I also had a concern about how the two pieces of information were presented to you.
They were presented about 10 days apart. Meanwhile I sent him a link to enroll himself in the suicidal ideation study and the questions were very specific about timing and thoughts, so it triggered some memories in him about that moment he told me about. He has been holding on to it for two years, but felt it was a good time to share it.
On one hand, he delivers news about a serious wrongdoing. You may question that in reference to the infidelity- as if you weren't sure you were exclusive or not - but even if that was unclear, it is news he knows would upset you.
He had sex with someone else.
I never set clear limits on whether our relationship was open or closed. Every time I tried to express that I was uncomfortable with it, he'd spend so much time convincing me that it didn't mean that he didn't want to be with me forever or that he'd end up with anything more special than what we had. It was just sex. Nothing more. I'd then go on to tell him I'm okay with it, and then regret it.
Then- some real wrongdoing: sex with an underage girl. I don't know the law of consent in his area. It might even be a crime. In some cases, if the man is close in age to the girl- like 18- an impulsive act reflects the age of both of them. If he is much older, then as you said - this is inappropriate even if it isn't illegal.
I don't see where he has owned up to this act? He is the adult. She is 17. An adult takes responsibility for his actions.
Age of consent is 17 where he lives. It's 16 where I live.
His family is filled with inappropriate age gaps, unfortunately, so he's never taken the time to reflect on whether or not. His bio dad was 28 when he had sex with his mom at 17. His stepdad was 26 when he married her 6 months after BPDbf's birth. His best friend, 28, was recently in a 4 month extramarital relationship with an 18 yo. Frankly I'm exasperated at the lack of good role models in his vicinity.
When I originally brought up the issue, he did take my words seriously, said that I know more about the human development stuff than he does so I might just be right and it possibly is crossing a line. He never thought the age thing was a big deal because the girl seems so put together and independent, most likely because of childhood neglect. I then countered with how when I was 17 I seemed like I was the most put together person ever and once even went on an informal date with a guy who was 28 who had no clue of my age. He thought I was 24 because of the way I acted and dropped me like a hot as soon as he found out.
It was an act though, all related to being an alternate parent to my younger brother who has a developmental disability. Didn't change the fact that I went on to become increasingly more impulsive and everything fell apart once I went away to college.
I have to let him come to his own conclusions but for now I have explicitly told him how strong I feel about the power imbalance a situation like that consists of.
He follows this news with the suicide story. Now, although you are probably angry about the incident with the girl- how could you be angry at him when he tells you this sad story? Instead of taking responsibility " I had sex with a 17 year old girl, I know this is wrong" he then goes into Victim mode- with this other event.
What is the emotional payoff for Victim mode? A victim isn't responsible for his/her actions. Getting angry at a victim is cruel. The Victim should be rescued, not blamed.
I got very angry with him. Firstly I exploded into tears because the news was like a slap in the face. Then I started asking why the hell he didn't tell me then. Or why he's even telling me now. He said he hadn't been planning to ever tell me but the surveys he was taking were bringing up a lot of stuff for him and he barely knows how to deal with it himself. He's seeing his therapist weekly for now, and he said that he would be more open about this from now on.
I tried to get over it and kind of accept it, but once I left, the rage kept building up.Finally, as soon as I got home I messaged him and started talking about what the situation was doing to me and how it was making me feel.
You have two issues here that are completely separate but were bundled together:
Your BF had sex with another girl- this leaves the question is your relationship open or not? That answer should be clear to both of you.
He would be willing to close the relationship if I asked, but doing so would be very difficult because of his strong need to seek novelty through casual encounters when they appear. It's a genuine incompatibility. He doesn't see sex in the same way that I do, and having the freedom to engage in these sorts of things while having a strong stable primary relationship is what he desires most. But he is terrified of losing me because of it and has told me he'd consider chemical castration if it meant he could stay with me. A little over dramatic and intense, but he is also terrified of causing me pain. He's not sure what we could do.
I don't want to break up, though. For now we've compromised to make it a periodical thing. It only is open at certain time periods, and we talk openly and honestly every time.
Your BF had sex with an underage girl. How do you wish to respond to that? You can't control his ideas- he has justified them. It's now up to you to decide if this is the kind of behavior you will tolerate in a relationship or not. That puts the relationship on the line for you- and you may not be ready to deal with that. We all have our bottom line boundaries with what we can tolerate in the other person- so that is entirely your decision.
I can see why he could have made that mistake initially. I understand his perspective, considering my own experience, but I've also made it clear why I deem it inappropriate and drew a limit on age which he agreed to. If he broke that limit, it would be considered a deal breaker.
Your BF confessed to mixing alcohol with drugs. That is scary. However, you can not watch him 24/7. He makes his own choices. Last time you took care of him, but he may have been in serious danger. You have the option to call 911 and place him under medical care.
All I can really do is be there for him while not encouraging codependency. He has had a history of attempted suicide but apparently two years ago was the last time he actively tried.
I guess the biggest thing is that I've stopped sugar-coating things. If i'm not okay with something I let it be known. If I'm upset, I tell him. He responds pretty well nowadays in comparison to even a year ago. I've stopped being afraid of his reaction.
It does concern me, though, that now I have to be more sensitive to clues on his mental state and watch out for signs. I was completely oblivious back then and he preferred to keep it that way.
I think things are okay for now. Thank you so much for your response.
