Recently separated

[Jscar87]

After separating from my soon to be ex wife I have realized she may have bpd and npd we were married 15 years, normal ups and downs but now that I reflect on the relationship, I wasn’t being treated well, I was a victim of gaslighting and now question my own reality a lot. Things were in a good place until she went to a retreat, during this retreat she was meditating and met her future self, she then came home and told me that I was a gray area in her vision. Two months later on our anniversary she told me she would never feel connected to me ever again and we were getting divorced. I was upset, I cried, I went to a friends house for a few hours. The next morning she berated me about leaving her to handle everything because I couldn’t handle my emotions and that was why she is certain she was doing the right thing.one day I’m crushed that this is happening and the next I feel relief that I now longer have to tip toe around her feelings and hustle to meet her demands. I can’t believe I let myself even get into a relationship like
That let alone stay there being emasculated for 15 years. I was given a book called “stop walking on eggshells” and everything is making sense now. Our entire marriage is making sense. Once I stopped pining for her and started moving on she split and began telling our children I was dangerous and attacked her and that I was sleeping with other women and that’s why we are divorcing, none of which are true. I’ve never raised my voice in anger to my ex and she has said I’ve attacked her. I’m worried for my future as a parent and having to coparent with her. She has since made a tik tok accusing me of being a narcissist, my family and friends see it and don’t believe it but she keeps posting trying to flip the script on me. I don’t respond to it or say anything online but her family and I talk and have shared very similar stories of her bpd and npd traits. We are all very concerned and there is. Nothing we can do.

[ForeverDad]

What is left is that you can deal with "what is".  While you can't "fix" her - and admittedly the marriage was dysfunctional and is over unless she turns around and really seeks meaningful long term therapy - you can be very strategic in the way you proactively defend yourself and enhance your parenting.

People with BPD traits have long been referred to as self-centered Blamers and Blame Shifters, their patterns are somewhat predictable.  We have an extensive array of time-tested strategies, tools and skills on our boards.

Don't doubt yourself, focus on recovery for yourself and smartly ensure you will walk out with as much parenting as possible in the initial "temp" order and later final decree.

[Jscar87]

It's good to see I'm not alone in this, she has already reported to the police that I attacked her, when I was just walking in the door behind her, she slammed my wrist in the door and told my kids they were not safe with me. I'm afraid to get a custody evaluator because I'm afraid of how convincing she is to people who don't know me. My neighbors have warned me about what she is saying about me and how they clearly don't believe her, but would had they not known me. My attorney has suggested a custody evaluator but I don't know if I want to take the risk of her manipulating the situation. Her own family doesn't feel safe with her and are supporting me. It would make me feel a ton better about the situation If I knew the custody evaluators spoke with family, friends and neighbors. My only reservation with getting the custody evaluator is I'm afraid of her manipulating them.