Being pushed away and ignored

[Landlockedsurfer]

Hey, thanks in advance for listening

I’ve been friends with my partner for over 6 years, we met travelling whilst working as she was dating a friend at the time, they split 6 months later but we stayed in contact ever since, we would never meet up but just check in on each other as we had bonded and trauma dumped on each other. When she moved to my city 5 years ago I was concerned it might be too much for her so made sure she knew she always had a friend, who wasn’t after anything from her as she’d been dating a friend and would always check in on each other and make sure we were both okay. We both really started to open up to each other. 8 months ago we started hanging out and 5 months ago we started seeing each other all the time. Last month I realised that I loved her and told her, three weeks ago she told me she loved me too, many times and we had sex for the first time. It all happened so slowly and naturally it was something really special. She tested me lots of times before trying to push me away when we were out, talking to other people, or flirting with other girls (she’s bi sexual) trying to push my buttons but had been reading about BPD and knew she was testing me. She’d get angry at me sometimes but always apologised straight away as we brought out the best in each other, she told me that many times, also we are both so happy when we’re together that whatever she was upset about kinda melted away when we were together. I travel for work and was away for a few days 2 weeks ago and she just started ignoring me. Which she’d never done before, she never flaked with me and we’d message every day all the time for almost a yea now. When I got back I had 2 weeks off and she hasn’t seen me once, she barley responds to my messages other than “I’m out” or “I’m on a bender”. I asked her if it was too much for her or if she’d met someone else and she said, “I’m not active, I’m on a bender and it is too much”. She did tell me before she didn’t want to be in a relationship but we just fell in love naturally so I kinda hoped that would change. We spoke a little bit yesterday and she hasn’t paid her rent and just spent all her money on getting drunk, stoned and probably cocaine. I said “sounds like you’ve full hit the self destruct button,” she said “yeah living with BPD is great”. I said I’d pay for therapy if she wanted to go private and she’s ignored me again. I love her so much but I feel like I’m gonna have to say something like, “ I do still love you angel, always will, never felt like this for someone before, but it really hurt when you didnt want to see me and just ignored me, I know it got too much for you  so now you’re pushing me away but I’ve got to give you space now, I’m not gonna chase,if you ever need me I’ll be there for you, take care my love “ I just want her to know I’ll be there for her but she hurt me and I can’t be treated like that, being ignored is a huge boundary for me. Thanks so much for listening I’m honestly in so much pain right now and I’ll I want is for her to be happy, who ever that’s with, but she won’t have anything if she doesn’t do something to change her life

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[kells76]

Hi Landlockedsurfer and

Your pain from the push/pull dynamic is real, and familiar to a lot of members here. That’s a difficult part of BPD relationships to cope with.

Has she reached out at all in the last few weeks? If so, how did that go?

As you settle in here and read other members’ stories, you can also check out our section of articles on Saving A Relationship. I’d be interested to hear if anything there stood out to you.

Hang in there,

kells76

[Pook075]

Hello and welcome to the forums.  I'm so sorry you're in this position and so many members here can relate.

I don't have much to add from what Kells said, but I was curious if you had actually "broken up".  For BPDs, being manic and irresponsible is a common theme when they're under high stress, so it's entirely possible that she calms down and decides to resume the relationship.

I also agree with what you said- give her some space to figure this out on her own.  I know it hurts so much and none of this currently makes any sense, but time is on your side.

[Goodpal]

Sounds like she has a lot of red flags here. If you're okay with this and want to continue the relationship you should probably be a little more indifferent towards her. This means having the mindset that you'll be just fine whether or not the relationship works out or not. Tell her the door is open but she'll have to come to you. I noticed you did do this but maybe do it with a little less sweet talk. That will be probably be a turn off to her.

[hiiumaa]

Hi there!

Once I listened to an expert for bpd who said: „If you really want to be with a person with bpd or have to be with that person, I recommend you to be like a lighthouse for that person: Your light is shining to show him or her the way. But he or she has to come to you. The lighthouse never leaves it‘s place.“

That means in reality something like: You can send a message from time to time, but just in a simple way: „I‘m here for you, if you like.“ And not more. This is very similar to what Goodpal said. It did work with my bpd/ npd partner. He always came back.

BUT - as soon as he was back, the cycle repeated: lovevbombing, devaluation, discard.