Quiet BPD??

[ilovemyhoney]

Hello.  I (55F) have been dating my boyfriend (M57) now for a few months.  He is very generous and very complimentary.  He expressed love early on and talks about moving in together.  I love it all but it is all so fast.  When I looked this up I learned about love bombing.  He is defiantly love bombing me. 

He is easily triggered and will shut down when he feels hurt.  During one of the early "episodes" he looked at me like he was disgusted with me.  I was so confused.  How can he go from "soooo in love" to being disgusted with me over really the tiniest of things.  He denies that he gave me a look and always denies being upset with me.  Later on he will admit that he was bothered by something.  I have since learned about  "splitting".   This definitely seems like it explains his behavior.

Yesterday we had plans with his adult daughter who cancelled on us.  I didn't think it was a big deal to reschedule but it ruined the rest of his day and therefore ruined my day as well.  He was quite and sulked all day long.  I asked him why he was so quite and he finally admitted that he had been thinking of why his daughter would have cancelled.  Instead of taking her reasoning as valid, he spent the whole day thinking of all the possibilities of why she didn't want to see him.  He is way too much in his head.

I truly believe he has Quite BPD but I don't know how to address this with him.  I have to assume that he is aware of this.  He is not a young man and has lived with numerous romantic partners that haven't work out. I do love him and he is a wonderful person but I don't know if I can handle the mode swings.  I would love any advice on how to handle this.  Should I ask him about BPD?  I feel that would really upset him.

-K

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[ilovemyhoney]

Hello.  I (55F) have been dating my boyfriend (M57) now for a few months.  He is very generous and very complimentary.  He expressed love early on and talks about moving in together.  I love it all but it is all so fast.  When I looked this up I learned about love bombing.  He is defiantly love bombing me. 

He is easily triggered and will shut down when he feels hurt.  During one of the early "episodes" he looked at me like he was disgusted with me.  I was so confused.  How can he go from "soooo in love" to being disgusted with me over really the tiniest of things.  He denies that he gave me a look and always denies being upset with me.  Later on he will admit that he was bothered by something.  I have since learned about  "splitting".   This definitely seems like it explains his behavior. 

Yesterday we had plans with his adult daughter who cancelled on us.  I didn't think it was a big deal to reschedule but it ruined the rest of his day and therefore ruined my day as well.  He was quite and sulked all day long.  I asked him why he was so quite and he finally admitted that he had been thinking of why his daughter would have cancelled.  Instead of taking her reasoning as valid, he spent the whole day thinking of all the possibilities of why she didn't want to see him.  He is way too much in his head.

I truly believe he has Quite BPD but I don't know how to address this with him.  I have to assume that he is aware of this.  He is not a young man and has lived with numerous romantic partners that haven't work out. I do love him and he is a wonderful person but I don't know if I can handle the mode swings.  The high and lows are really getting to me.  I have cried more in the last 3 months than I ever did all my relationships together.  I would love any advice on how to handle this.  Should I ask him about BPD?  I feel that would really upset him.

-K

[ilovemyhoney]

Hello.  I (55F) have been dating my boyfriend (M57) now for a few months.  He is very generous and very complimentary.  He expressed love early on and talks about moving in together.  I love it all but it is all so fast.  When I looked this up I learned about love bombing.  He is defiantly love bombing me. 

He is easily triggered and will shut down when he feels hurt.  During one of the early "episodes" he looked at me like he was disgusted with me.  I was so confused.  How can he go from "soooo in love" to being disgusted with me over really the tiniest of things.  He denies that he gave me a look and always denies being upset with me.  Later on he will admit that he was bothered by something.  I have since learned about  "splitting".   This definitely seems like it explains his behavior.

Yesterday we had plans with his adult daughter who cancelled on us.  I didn't think it was a big deal to reschedule but it ruined the rest of his day and therefore ruined my day as well.  He was quite and sulked all day long.  I asked him why he was so quite and he finally admitted that he had been thinking of why his daughter would have cancelled.  Instead of taking her reasoning as valid, he spent the whole day thinking of all the possibilities of why she didn't want to see him.  He is way too much in his head.

I truly believe he has Quite BPD but I don't know how to address this with him.  I have to assume that he is aware of this.  He is not a young man and has lived with numerous romantic partners that haven't worked out. I do love him and he is a wonderful person but I don't know if I can handle the mode swings.  I would love any advice on how to handle this.  Should I ask him about BPD?  I feel that would really upset him.

-K

[Under The Bridge]

Hi, sorry to hear of what you're going through, the sudden mood changes are very frustrating and mentally draining. We've all been there.

Be careful of directly saying 'I think you have BPD', as the biggest problem in treating BPD is getting the sufferer to even admit they have problems and a lot of them won't do this as , in their minds, they're always the victim and the fault is everyone else's.

You say that you have to assume he is aware of his condition but he most likely isn't. Depending on the severity of their condition, some have been able to see they have problems but most will never see this. BPD is an illness of avoidance and re-writing the facts to suit themselves.

You could mention his tendency to worry and that it concerns you and you'd like to talk about it, but do it in a neutral, non-accusatory way or it may push him away. My own ex-BPD partner of 4 years would never accept she had any problems so meaningful discussion or possibility of treatment was simply out of the question.

You also say he has lived with numerous romantic partners that haven't worked out.. sadly, a BPD's past is a very good indicator of what the future will be like. Does he blame all his past partners totally while he did nothing wrong? This is a classic BPD trait and part of the repeating cycle.

Good luck and keep us informed of what you do; we've all been through this and are there for you.