dBPDw Dropped the Bomb

[HurtAndTired]

Hi all,

I have been sitting on this for a few weeks to see how it would all play out before I gave you an update. It has gotten to the point, however, where I feel like if I don't give an update I will start to forget some details.

I have been meticulously planning my exit from the marriage for months. I have worked with a DV Advocate, retained a fantastic lawyer who was a social worker with DHS for years before becoming a family law attorney and who has extensive experience with high conflict divorces and PD people, I have been fixing my finances, and have been documenting all abuse. I was planning to exit in December or January when I was at the perfect spot with my finances. This all fell apart on July 21 when my wife filed a false and malicious Temporary Protective Order (TPO) against me. In it, she alleged that I have threatened to shoot her with my gun, and the rest were silly things like "he won't talk to me" and "he sleeps in the other room." The judge, thankfully, said that there was not enough for her to grant the order and denied it. All of this was done ex parte and I had no knowledge of it whatsoever. I was served by a Sheriff's Deputy the next day with a notice that a TPO had been filed and denied the day before. I was given a court date on August 4 where my wife could try to get the TPO instated anyway (basically telling the judge that he was wrong). I contacted my lawyer and we planned to show up and dismantle the provably false accusations.

Yesterday, August 4, we showed up at the courthouse ready to show that the most serious accusation (the gun) was false as the gun in the house was her gun, she had threatened to kill herself with it, and that I removed our S2 (now 4) from the house until she sobered up and put the gun away. When she had put the gun away, the next day, I returned to the house, removed the gun and gave it to my parents. It has been at their house ever since. I have text messages from my wife acknowledging her suicide threat, that I would not bring my son back until the gun was put away, and that she had indeed put the gun back in the closet. Open and shut, right? Wrong.

She showed up at the courthouse with a lawyer, 2 "witnesses," and 2 new accusations. She is now saying that I pushed her in December (when I was already sleeping in the guest room with the door locked) and a picture of a bruise on her upper arm from 7 years ago that she says I gave her. Both new accusations are also provably false. I was already separated from her in December (within the house) and all she has is a vague accusation that I pushed her. The bruise could be on anyone's arm. There is only an arm in the picture and no identifying marks that show it to be her. If it is her, it still means nothing. My wife works in a factory and is regularly injured on the job. She often comes home with bruises, cuts, and burns. Years ago, she had a finger severed on the job and it had to be surgically reattached. My attorney said we had two choices. We could get the TPO permanently dismissed, but that given her readiness to fabricate new accusations, my wife could just walk into the courthouse the next day and file a new TPO. My lawyer recommended that we ask for a two week continuance during which my wife could not file any new TPOs. I took her advice and we go back to court on August 18.

In the TPO my wife asked that I be removed from the home, kept away from my son, and pay her $1800 a month in support (I'm a high school teacher). This is a ridiculous ask and it shows that the filing was a cynical attempt to hurt me and extract resources. It is an obvious manipulation of the court system to punish me for my increasing independence and physical and emotional distance from her. I told my lawyer to file for divorce as soon as possible, which was today. My wife should get served later this week. Now that a divorce is in process, she can no longer file any new TPOs against me and when this one is dismissed on August 18, the tide turns in my favor.

Although this has moved up the timeline for me, all is not lost. My months of careful preparation left me with a mountain of evidence and resources that will now be activated. I also no longer have to worry about maintaining the moral high ground and waiting to see if her "therapy" will work. No worries about how to file my own TPO and how and when to have it served. Now my divorce filing was completely justified by her actions and I don't care about how she feels about it. Everything is moving about five months early, but I thankfully had everything ready. My parents are helping me financially, so there are no worries about legal fees. She, on the other hand, has blown what is likely the last of her money on a lawyer to represent her for the TPO only. We have no joint finances outside of the mortgage, so the tap is dry for her and she has no family or friends to loan her money.

To make things even worse and more complicated, my 26 year old SS showed up at the house at 10 PM on Friday with his girlfriend and a suitcase. He announced that his new apartment in a nearby city won't be ready until September 1 and he will be staying with us for the next 2 weeks. Apparently his girlfriend is as well. This is a young man who is a weightlifter, is on steroids, carries a gun for his job as a private security guard, and threatened to "beat my a$$" a little over a year ago when his mom recruited him as a flying monkey. My lawyer says that because my wife is a co-owner of the house and he is her guest, there is nothing we can do to evict him. This means that I have 2 weeks until he and the threat he poses is gone. 2 weeks until the next hearing on the TPO happens and I get it dismissed. I have installed a lock on my bedroom door that locks with a key so that no one can get in when I am gone and have moved all my valuables into my room. There is also a Ring camera installed that backs up to the cloud and is running 24/7. I just have to hunker down in my room when she is home for the next 2 weeks and survive and then it's my turn to go on the offensive.

My DV Advocate is showing up to the next hearing and is going to eviscerate my STBex's narrative about being a victim. The TPO was denied on initial filing and my wife is just piling on extra things each hearing to try to change that. It's not a good look legally, my lawyer assures me. My DV Advocate knows the judge and says that he is really hard on false TPO filings and is likely very, very skeptical of my wife's ever changing story and angry that she is wasting the court's time and trying to weaponize the legal system. She thinks she has been digging my grave, but she has dug the hole so deep that she can't get out of it. It has now become her own grave and she doesn't know enough to stop digging the hole deeper.

The divorce was either filed late today or will be early tomorrow. As soon as the TPO is dismissed, likely with prejudice (and perhaps with sanctions for false filing - perjury), then my team can shift into offense. We will be filing temporary orders asking for full custody of S4, exclusive use of the marital home, and child support as dictated by state guidelines - not a penny more, or a penny less. We are going to let the law dictate what we do and let the truth and evidence I have compiled speak for itself. I know that I should be scared, and a part of me is, but I honestly feel relieved to finally have it in process. I am so glad that I started planning this out over 8 months ago and have been documenting like crazy.

I also talked to my son's pediatrician at his 4 year checkup and I have her full support that I have done nearly 100% of the medical appointments for my son. She also told me that she would be willing to be a character witness for me if it came to it. I had her two children in high school drama years ago and she knows that I am a good man. My lawyer used to work for DHS, so if my wife tries to file false charges that I abused my son my pediatrician and my lawyer should be able to shut that down fast. The false TPO filing also makes my wife look unstable and vengeful. She fired all the guns she had at me and missed. Her credibility is now in the basement.

In summary, this is a very stressful time. These 2 weeks will be hell. I know they will be. I also know that I have survived worse and that I will survive this too. I AM anxious and don't feel great. My appetite is almost non-existent and I am not sleeping well, but I am also excited. I can smell my freedom around the corner and it will happen months before I had any hope of it happening. I am looking forward to having a safe home for my son. I am looking forward to not jumping every time I hear a loud noise in the house. I am looking forward to sleeping without the door locked. My wife was gone for 10 days earlier this summer and I slept like the dead the entire time that she was gone. It gave me a taste of what life without her will be like, and it was so very peaceful. I can't wait until that is my daily reality.

Thank you to everyone who has supported me on these boards. I don't know if I could have reached this point of taking action and taking my life back without the constant encouragement and useful advice that you have all given me. Yes, these 2 weeks will be awful, but I'll be ok. If any of you are praying people though, I would appreciate prayers for my son and I during this difficult time. I will update you all as soon as I know more.

Thanks again,

HurtAndTired

[CC43]

You are brave and strong. I know it will be hard as your wife fights you, but it sounds like you got a good lawyer and you prepared best you could. Hang in there. You’ve got this.

[Notwendy]

As stressful as this is, I think you have certainty of your decision, now that you have seen your wife's behavior. Sending prayers for you and your son as you go through this.

[GaGrl]

Everything sounds to be coming together for you. The documentation can be a bear, but so necessary. I'm sorry you have to deal with the SS, though -- he doesn't sound stable.

[ForeverDad]

It's seldom that plans to separate and end a seriously dysfunctional relationship aren't sabotaged somehow.  So it was good you had Plan B in place, probably Plan C, etc too for whatever else thrown at you.

Your spouse's years old claims fall under the category of Not Actionable due to aging out, if it had been serious enough, action would have been sought long ago.  Imagine calling the fire station and reporting, "My house almost burned down last week."  The response would have been, "Call back when the emergency is happening."  Many here have reported, myself included, that judges generally have no interest in claims older than 6 months.

Your spouse bringing others also would have been rejected since second hand information doesn't count.  Even "he said... she said..." unsubstantiated claims may be heard but then set aside as hearsay.

I agree that the judge will probably agree it is time for separation, how can you live with someone who has made such allegations.  There are a few states that want to default to spouses remaining together for months or even a year with the goal of giving time to reconcile but this ought to be perceived as irreconcilable.

As much as the attention is directed at the adult discord and conflict, remember that the most actionable factor should be for the benefit of your child's welfare.  Don't let it get lost in the overall legal conflict.  Focus on getting the "least bad" temp order.  (Our protracted cases turn "temporary" into virtually semi-permanent.)  Courts will give far more attention to protecting the welfare of minors since the adults are largely expected to be able to take care of themselves.

When I separated our child wasn't yet 4 years old.  My ex was the one to start him in play therapy, she was doing it to seek negative advocates for her own sabotage of me.  My lawyer stated, "Courts love counseling; even if one parent objects, the court will authorize it."  The counselors kept hoping the final decree, then me getting full custody, would end his need for sessions but she kept causing discord until eventually she had lost both custody and majority parenting time.  He didn't "graduate" counseling until he was nearly 12 years old.

One aspect of divorce is that most judges are content to let the process play out for however long it takes.  Our divorces often are a year or even longer.  Mine was two years.  My court was so very "ho hum", clearly their crowded dockets made it easy for them to wait us out, normal people would have more quickly settled and moved on in their lives.  Well, not so much with acting-out disordered people.

[HurtAndTired]

Thank you all for your support and prayers.

FD - You are right on the money with the temporary orders. I told my lawyer that it is better to get them right than to get them fast. The good news is that my STBX's antics in court are not helping her in the judge's eyes and my lawyer tells me that the more she misbehaves, the more leverage we have in getting good (less bad) temporary orders. Having a DV advocate is also key as they don't often work with male victims of DV, they are from a well known and respected organization in my county, and the judge has worked with my advocate on other cases. He knows she wouldn't be there on my side if I hadn't given her airtight evidence of being a victim of my wife's violence rather than the other way around. This should help with temporary custody orders.

My main focus is trying to keep my son from suffering further psychological abuse. STBX's escalating push/pull behaviors with him over the past two months have him starting to show signs of anxious or disorganized attachment to her. He cries whenever she leaves the house, even to go to the store. She left him crying alone in the hallway yesterday and I came out of my room to scoop him up. He was sobbing "Mommy, Mommy" over and over. I asked him what's going on. He said "Mommy went to the store and didn't give me a kiss." I told him that she would be back and that Daddy is here, you're safe, and I love you. I asked him if he cried like this when I had to leave to go to the store or work and he said "No, because you come back."

I told him to think about his Grandma and Grandpa. I asked him if they were here in the house and he said, "No, they're at their house." I said, "When you think of them, can you feel that they love you in your heart?" He said yes. I said they feel you in their hearts too. Even if we aren't with the people we love, they are always in our hearts and we are in theirs. You can feel them, and they can feel you, so you're never really alone. I told him that he's in Mommy's heart and she is in his, so they are together. He stopped crying and we were ok from there on out for the rest of the day. I'm trying to hold him together, but every day she is in the house she further destabilizes him. I know that getting temporary custody orders that limit her ability to inflict more damage on him needs to be my absolute number one priority.

I am also trying to get him into therapy, but the waiting list is enormous and there is a real lack of mental health providers in my state. He starts preschool this month, so I am going to ask the school to evaluate him for a 504 plan due to emotional stressors happening in the house. This has a good chance of getting him in with a school or area education association psychologist much faster than going to a private provider. Fingers crossed on that one.

Thank you all again,

HurtAndTired

[Gemsforeyes]

Hi HandT -
I read through this post the other day.  I am praying that things are peaceful in your home and that you and your sweet son are doing okay.  I’m thinking of you.

Warmly,
Gems