dBPDw Dropped the Bomb

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi all,

I have been sitting on this for a few weeks to see how it would all play out before I gave you an update. It has gotten to the point, however, where I feel like if I don't give an update I will start to forget some details.

I have been meticulously planning my exit from the marriage for months. I have worked with a DV Advocate, retained a fantastic lawyer who was a social worker with DHS for years before becoming a family law attorney and who has extensive experience with high conflict divorces and PD people, I have been fixing my finances, and have been documenting all abuse. I was planning to exit in December or January when I was at the perfect spot with my finances. This all fell apart on July 21 when my wife filed a false and malicious Temporary Protective Order (TPO) against me. In it, she alleged that I have threatened to shoot her with my gun, and the rest were silly things like "he won't talk to me" and "he sleeps in the other room." The judge, thankfully, said that there was not enough for her to grant the order and denied it. All of this was done ex parte and I had no knowledge of it whatsoever. I was served by a Sheriff's Deputy the next day with a notice that a TPO had been filed and denied the day before. I was given a court date on August 4 where my wife could try to get the TPO instated anyway (basically telling the judge that he was wrong). I contacted my lawyer and we planned to show up and dismantle the provably false accusations.

Yesterday, August 4, we showed up at the courthouse ready to show that the most serious accusation (the gun) was false as the gun in the house was her gun, she had threatened to kill herself with it, and that I removed our S2 (now 4) from the house until she sobered up and put the gun away. When she had put the gun away, the next day, I returned to the house, removed the gun and gave it to my parents. It has been at their house ever since. I have text messages from my wife acknowledging her suicide threat, that I would not bring my son back until the gun was put away, and that she had indeed put the gun back in the closet. Open and shut, right? Wrong.

She showed up at the courthouse with a lawyer, 2 "witnesses," and 2 new accusations. She is now saying that I pushed her in December (when I was already sleeping in the guest room with the door locked) and a picture of a bruise on her upper arm from 7 years ago that she says I gave her. Both new accusations are also provably false. I was already separated from her in December (within the house) and all she has is a vague accusation that I pushed her. The bruise could be on anyone's arm. There is only an arm in the picture and no identifying marks that show it to be her. If it is her, it still means nothing. My wife works in a factory and is regularly injured on the job. She often comes home with bruises, cuts, and burns. Years ago, she had a finger severed on the job and it had to be surgically reattached. My attorney said we had two choices. We could get the TPO permanently dismissed, but that given her readiness to fabricate new accusations, my wife could just walk into the courthouse the next day and file a new TPO. My lawyer recommended that we ask for a two week continuance during which my wife could not file any new TPOs. I took her advice and we go back to court on August 18.

In the TPO my wife asked that I be removed from the home, kept away from my son, and pay her $1800 a month in support (I'm a high school teacher). This is a ridiculous ask and it shows that the filing was a cynical attempt to hurt me and extract resources. It is an obvious manipulation of the court system to punish me for my increasing independence and physical and emotional distance from her. I told my lawyer to file for divorce as soon as possible, which was today. My wife should get served later this week. Now that a divorce is in process, she can no longer file any new TPOs against me and when this one is dismissed on August 18, the tide turns in my favor.

Although this has moved up the timeline for me, all is not lost. My months of careful preparation left me with a mountain of evidence and resources that will now be activated. I also no longer have to worry about maintaining the moral high ground and waiting to see if her "therapy" will work. No worries about how to file my own TPO and how and when to have it served. Now my divorce filing was completely justified by her actions and I don't care about how she feels about it. Everything is moving about five months early, but I thankfully had everything ready. My parents are helping me financially, so there are no worries about legal fees. She, on the other hand, has blown what is likely the last of her money on a lawyer to represent her for the TPO only. We have no joint finances outside of the mortgage, so the tap is dry for her and she has no family or friends to loan her money.

To make things even worse and more complicated, my 26 year old SS showed up at the house at 10 PM on Friday with his girlfriend and a suitcase. He announced that his new apartment in a nearby city won't be ready until September 1 and he will be staying with us for the next 2 weeks. Apparently his girlfriend is as well. This is a young man who is a weightlifter, is on steroids, carries a gun for his job as a private security guard, and threatened to "beat my a$$" a little over a year ago when his mom recruited him as a flying monkey. My lawyer says that because my wife is a co-owner of the house and he is her guest, there is nothing we can do to evict him. This means that I have 2 weeks until he and the threat he poses is gone. 2 weeks until the next hearing on the TPO happens and I get it dismissed. I have installed a lock on my bedroom door that locks with a key so that no one can get in when I am gone and have moved all my valuables into my room. There is also a Ring camera installed that backs up to the cloud and is running 24/7. I just have to hunker down in my room when she is home for the next 2 weeks and survive and then it's my turn to go on the offensive.

My DV Advocate is showing up to the next hearing and is going to eviscerate my STBex's narrative about being a victim. The TPO was denied on initial filing and my wife is just piling on extra things each hearing to try to change that. It's not a good look legally, my lawyer assures me. My DV Advocate knows the judge and says that he is really hard on false TPO filings and is likely very, very skeptical of my wife's ever changing story and angry that she is wasting the court's time and trying to weaponize the legal system. She thinks she has been digging my grave, but she has dug the hole so deep that she can't get out of it. It has now become her own grave and she doesn't know enough to stop digging the hole deeper.

The divorce was either filed late today or will be early tomorrow. As soon as the TPO is dismissed, likely with prejudice (and perhaps with sanctions for false filing - perjury), then my team can shift into offense. We will be filing temporary orders asking for full custody of S4, exclusive use of the marital home, and child support as dictated by state guidelines - not a penny more, or a penny less. We are going to let the law dictate what we do and let the truth and evidence I have compiled speak for itself. I know that I should be scared, and a part of me is, but I honestly feel relieved to finally have it in process. I am so glad that I started planning this out over 8 months ago and have been documenting like crazy.

I also talked to my son's pediatrician at his 4 year checkup and I have her full support that I have done nearly 100% of the medical appointments for my son. She also told me that she would be willing to be a character witness for me if it came to it. I had her two children in high school drama years ago and she knows that I am a good man. My lawyer used to work for DHS, so if my wife tries to file false charges that I abused my son my pediatrician and my lawyer should be able to shut that down fast. The false TPO filing also makes my wife look unstable and vengeful. She fired all the guns she had at me and missed. Her credibility is now in the basement.

In summary, this is a very stressful time. These 2 weeks will be hell. I know they will be. I also know that I have survived worse and that I will survive this too. I AM anxious and don't feel great. My appetite is almost non-existent and I am not sleeping well, but I am also excited. I can smell my freedom around the corner and it will happen months before I had any hope of it happening. I am looking forward to having a safe home for my son. I am looking forward to not jumping every time I hear a loud noise in the house. I am looking forward to sleeping without the door locked. My wife was gone for 10 days earlier this summer and I slept like the dead the entire time that she was gone. It gave me a taste of what life without her will be like, and it was so very peaceful. I can't wait until that is my daily reality.

Thank you to everyone who has supported me on these boards. I don't know if I could have reached this point of taking action and taking my life back without the constant encouragement and useful advice that you have all given me. Yes, these 2 weeks will be awful, but I'll be ok. If any of you are praying people though, I would appreciate prayers for my son and I during this difficult time. I will update you all as soon as I know more.

Thanks again,

HurtAndTired

[HurtAndTired]

Hi all,

I have been sitting on this for a few weeks to see how it would all play out before I gave you an update. It has gotten to the point, however, where I feel like if I don't give an update I will start to forget some details.

I have been meticulously planning my exit from the marriage for months. I have worked with a DV Advocate, retained a fantastic lawyer who was a social worker with DHS for years before becoming a family law attorney and who has extensive experience with high conflict divorces and PD people, I have been fixing my finances, and have been documenting all abuse. I was planning to exit in December or January when I was at the perfect spot with my finances. This all fell apart on July 21 when my wife filed a false and malicious Temporary Protective Order (TPO) against me. In it, she alleged that I have threatened to shoot her with my gun, and the rest were silly things like "he won't talk to me" and "he sleeps in the other room." The judge, thankfully, said that there was not enough for her to grant the order and denied it. All of this was done ex parte and I had no knowledge of it whatsoever. I was served by a Sheriff's Deputy the next day with a notice that a TPO had been filed and denied the day before. I was given a court date on August 4 where my wife could try to get the TPO instated anyway (basically telling the judge that he was wrong). I contacted my lawyer and we planned to show up and dismantle the provably false accusations.

Yesterday, August 4, we showed up at the courthouse ready to show that the most serious accusation (the gun) was false as the gun in the house was her gun, she had threatened to kill herself with it, and that I removed our S2 (now 4) from the house until she sobered up and put the gun away. When she had put the gun away, the next day, I returned to the house, removed the gun and gave it to my parents. It has been at their house ever since. I have text messages from my wife acknowledging her suicide threat, that I would not bring my son back until the gun was put away, and that she had indeed put the gun back in the closet. Open and shut, right? Wrong.

She showed up at the courthouse with a lawyer, 2 "witnesses," and 2 new accusations. She is now saying that I pushed her in December (when I was already sleeping in the guest room with the door locked) and a picture of a bruise on her upper arm from 7 years ago that she says I gave her. Both new accusations are also provably false. I was already separated from her in December (within the house) and all she has is a vague accusation that I pushed her. The bruise could be on anyone's arm. There is only an arm in the picture and no identifying marks that show it to be her. If it is her, it still means nothing. My wife works in a factory and is regularly injured on the job. She often comes home with bruises, cuts, and burns. Years ago, she had a finger severed on the job and it had to be surgically reattached. My attorney said we had two choices. We could get the TPO permanently dismissed, but that given her readiness to fabricate new accusations, my wife could just walk into the courthouse the next day and file a new TPO. My lawyer recommended that we ask for a two week continuance during which my wife could not file any new TPOs. I took her advice and we go back to court on August 18.

In the TPO my wife asked that I be removed from the home, kept away from my son, and pay her $1800 a month in support (I'm a high school teacher). This is a ridiculous ask and it shows that the filing was a cynical attempt to hurt me and extract resources. It is an obvious manipulation of the court system to punish me for my increasing independence and physical and emotional distance from her. I told my lawyer to file for divorce as soon as possible, which was today. My wife should get served later this week. Now that a divorce is in process, she can no longer file any new TPOs against me and when this one is dismissed on August 18, the tide turns in my favor.

Although this has moved up the timeline for me, all is not lost. My months of careful preparation left me with a mountain of evidence and resources that will now be activated. I also no longer have to worry about maintaining the moral high ground and waiting to see if her "therapy" will work. No worries about how to file my own TPO and how and when to have it served. Now my divorce filing was completely justified by her actions and I don't care about how she feels about it. Everything is moving about five months early, but I thankfully had everything ready. My parents are helping me financially, so there are no worries about legal fees. She, on the other hand, has blown what is likely the last of her money on a lawyer to represent her for the TPO only. We have no joint finances outside of the mortgage, so the tap is dry for her and she has no family or friends to loan her money.

To make things even worse and more complicated, my 26 year old SS showed up at the house at 10 PM on Friday with his girlfriend and a suitcase. He announced that his new apartment in a nearby city won't be ready until September 1 and he will be staying with us for the next 2 weeks. Apparently his girlfriend is as well. This is a young man who is a weightlifter, is on steroids, carries a gun for his job as a private security guard, and threatened to "beat my a$$" a little over a year ago when his mom recruited him as a flying monkey. My lawyer says that because my wife is a co-owner of the house and he is her guest, there is nothing we can do to evict him. This means that I have 2 weeks until he and the threat he poses is gone. 2 weeks until the next hearing on the TPO happens and I get it dismissed. I have installed a lock on my bedroom door that locks with a key so that no one can get in when I am gone and have moved all my valuables into my room. There is also a Ring camera installed that backs up to the cloud and is running 24/7. I just have to hunker down in my room when she is home for the next 2 weeks and survive and then it's my turn to go on the offensive.

My DV Advocate is showing up to the next hearing and is going to eviscerate my STBex's narrative about being a victim. The TPO was denied on initial filing and my wife is just piling on extra things each hearing to try to change that. It's not a good look legally, my lawyer assures me. My DV Advocate knows the judge and says that he is really hard on false TPO filings and is likely very, very skeptical of my wife's ever changing story and angry that she is wasting the court's time and trying to weaponize the legal system. She thinks she has been digging my grave, but she has dug the hole so deep that she can't get out of it. It has now become her own grave and she doesn't know enough to stop digging the hole deeper.

The divorce was either filed late today or will be early tomorrow. As soon as the TPO is dismissed, likely with prejudice (and perhaps with sanctions for false filing - perjury), then my team can shift into offense. We will be filing temporary orders asking for full custody of S4, exclusive use of the marital home, and child support as dictated by state guidelines - not a penny more, or a penny less. We are going to let the law dictate what we do and let the truth and evidence I have compiled speak for itself. I know that I should be scared, and a part of me is, but I honestly feel relieved to finally have it in process. I am so glad that I started planning this out over 8 months ago and have been documenting like crazy.

I also talked to my son's pediatrician at his 4 year checkup and I have her full support that I have done nearly 100% of the medical appointments for my son. She also told me that she would be willing to be a character witness for me if it came to it. I had her two children in high school drama years ago and she knows that I am a good man. My lawyer used to work for DHS, so if my wife tries to file false charges that I abused my son my pediatrician and my lawyer should be able to shut that down fast. The false TPO filing also makes my wife look unstable and vengeful. She fired all the guns she had at me and missed. Her credibility is now in the basement.

In summary, this is a very stressful time. These 2 weeks will be hell. I know they will be. I also know that I have survived worse and that I will survive this too. I AM anxious and don't feel great. My appetite is almost non-existent and I am not sleeping well, but I am also excited. I can smell my freedom around the corner and it will happen months before I had any hope of it happening. I am looking forward to having a safe home for my son. I am looking forward to not jumping every time I hear a loud noise in the house. I am looking forward to sleeping without the door locked. My wife was gone for 10 days earlier this summer and I slept like the dead the entire time that she was gone. It gave me a taste of what life without her will be like, and it was so very peaceful. I can't wait until that is my daily reality.

Thank you to everyone who has supported me on these boards. I don't know if I could have reached this point of taking action and taking my life back without the constant encouragement and useful advice that you have all given me. Yes, these 2 weeks will be awful, but I'll be ok. If any of you are praying people though, I would appreciate prayers for my son and I during this difficult time. I will update you all as soon as I know more.

Thanks again,

HurtAndTired

[CC43]

You are brave and strong. I know it will be hard as your wife fights you, but it sounds like you got a good lawyer and you prepared best you could. Hang in there. You’ve got this.

[Notwendy]

As stressful as this is, I think you have certainty of your decision, now that you have seen your wife's behavior. Sending prayers for you and your son as you go through this.

[GaGrl]

Everything sounds to be coming together for you. The documentation can be a bear, but so necessary. I'm sorry you have to deal with the SS, though -- he doesn't sound stable.

[ForeverDad]

It's seldom that plans to separate and end a seriously dysfunctional relationship aren't sabotaged somehow.  So it was good you had Plan B in place, probably Plan C, etc too for whatever else thrown at you.

Your spouse's years old claims fall under the category of Not Actionable due to aging out, if it had been serious enough, action would have been sought long ago.  Imagine calling the fire station and reporting, "My house almost burned down last week."  The response would have been, "Call back when the emergency is happening."  Many here have reported, myself included, that judges generally have no interest in claims older than 6 months.

Your spouse bringing others also would have been rejected since second hand information doesn't count.  Even "he said... she said..." unsubstantiated claims may be heard but then set aside as hearsay.

I agree that the judge will probably agree it is time for separation, how can you live with someone who has made such allegations.  There are a few states that want to default to spouses remaining together for months or even a year with the goal of giving time to reconcile but this ought to be perceived as irreconcilable.

As much as the attention is directed at the adult discord and conflict, remember that the most actionable factor should be for the benefit of your child's welfare.  Don't let it get lost in the overall legal conflict.  Focus on getting the "least bad" temp order.  (Our protracted cases turn "temporary" into virtually semi-permanent.)  Courts will give far more attention to protecting the welfare of minors since the adults are largely expected to be able to take care of themselves.

When I separated our child wasn't yet 4 years old.  My ex was the one to start him in play therapy, she was doing it to seek negative advocates for her own sabotage of me.  My lawyer stated, "Courts love counseling; even if one parent objects, the court will authorize it."  The counselors kept hoping the final decree, then me getting full custody, would end his need for sessions but she kept causing discord until eventually she had lost both custody and majority parenting time.  He didn't "graduate" counseling until he was nearly 12 years old.

One aspect of divorce is that most judges are content to let the process play out for however long it takes.  Our divorces often are a year or even longer.  Mine was two years.  My court was so very "ho hum", clearly their crowded dockets made it easy for them to wait us out, normal people would have more quickly settled and moved on in their lives.  Well, not so much with acting-out disordered people.

[HurtAndTired]

Thank you all for your support and prayers.

FD - You are right on the money with the temporary orders. I told my lawyer that it is better to get them right than to get them fast. The good news is that my STBX's antics in court are not helping her in the judge's eyes and my lawyer tells me that the more she misbehaves, the more leverage we have in getting good (less bad) temporary orders. Having a DV advocate is also key as they don't often work with male victims of DV, they are from a well known and respected organization in my county, and the judge has worked with my advocate on other cases. He knows she wouldn't be there on my side if I hadn't given her airtight evidence of being a victim of my wife's violence rather than the other way around. This should help with temporary custody orders.

My main focus is trying to keep my son from suffering further psychological abuse. STBX's escalating push/pull behaviors with him over the past two months have him starting to show signs of anxious or disorganized attachment to her. He cries whenever she leaves the house, even to go to the store. She left him crying alone in the hallway yesterday and I came out of my room to scoop him up. He was sobbing "Mommy, Mommy" over and over. I asked him what's going on. He said "Mommy went to the store and didn't give me a kiss." I told him that she would be back and that Daddy is here, you're safe, and I love you. I asked him if he cried like this when I had to leave to go to the store or work and he said "No, because you come back."

I told him to think about his Grandma and Grandpa. I asked him if they were here in the house and he said, "No, they're at their house." I said, "When you think of them, can you feel that they love you in your heart?" He said yes. I said they feel you in their hearts too. Even if we aren't with the people we love, they are always in our hearts and we are in theirs. You can feel them, and they can feel you, so you're never really alone. I told him that he's in Mommy's heart and she is in his, so they are together. He stopped crying and we were ok from there on out for the rest of the day. I'm trying to hold him together, but every day she is in the house she further destabilizes him. I know that getting temporary custody orders that limit her ability to inflict more damage on him needs to be my absolute number one priority.

I am also trying to get him into therapy, but the waiting list is enormous and there is a real lack of mental health providers in my state. He starts preschool this month, so I am going to ask the school to evaluate him for a 504 plan due to emotional stressors happening in the house. This has a good chance of getting him in with a school or area education association psychologist much faster than going to a private provider. Fingers crossed on that one.

Thank you all again,

HurtAndTired

[Gemsforeyes]

Hi HandT -
I read through this post the other day.  I am praying that things are peaceful in your home and that you and your sweet son are doing okay.  I’m thinking of you.

Warmly,
Gems

[HurtAndTired]

Hi all,

I wanted to update you on the situation. We went back to court on Monday. My STBX dBPDw showed up with her lawyer and even more new claims of abuse (she just kept throwing things at the wall to see if anything would stick, upping the ante each time). This time, my attorney told me that while we would be justified in seeking another continuance due to having last-minute surprise "evidence" introduced again, we should just squash this and get it done with. She didn't want it hanging over my head for another two weeks, and this is wasting valuable resources better saved for the divorce.

We went into court, and my STBX was a mess on the stand. She was getting emotional, contradicting herself, and rambling. The judge had to tell her to stay on topic and answer the questions her attorney was asking her rather than going on rants. My lawyer scored points by objecting to my wife's attorney leading her witness, and then it was my turn. On the stand, we shredded all of the fabrications that STBX had wasted the court's time with. My attorney also pointed out my DV advocate, who was sitting in the courtroom. The judge and my DV advocate go way back, and he knew she wouldn't be there for me if I weren't a legitimate DV survivor. The TPO that STBX filed was dismissed, and the judge assigned her court costs (which I found out is rare in these cases - his way of rebuking her for wasting the court's time).

TLDR: STBX took the biggest swing she could at me...and she missed. Now she has a failed TPO on her record that will go forward into the divorce. She was served last Friday and it was shockingly uneventful. After receiving the divorce papers, she merely stopped outside my locked bedroom door and said, "Really? Yeah, we'll see." For all her false bravado, I could tell she was rattled, though.

In other developments, after getting divorce papers and then losing the TPO hearing, STBX was in a rage over the loss of control. She had my SS26 install an exterior locking doorknob on our S4's bedroom door. I didn't say anything while it was happening; I just stayed locked in my bedroom, but contacted my lawyer about it first thing the next morning. I told her that having a lock on S4's door that can be locked from the outside, that only STBX has the key for, is unacceptable. If there were a fire or a medical emergency, and she had locked him in his room, I couldn't get to him.  I didn't want to make any moves until she told me what to do, though. She wrote back right away and told me to remove the locking doorknob. Take pictures and video of it, replace it with the safety lock doorknob that was originally there, and keep the exterior locking doorknob as evidence. I did it that morning and haven't heard boo since then.

Now we are at a hurry up and wait stage. The next step is mediation, which I assumed would fail, but some things have come to light that indicate that STBX is likely either broke or close to it. She has no close friends or family to borrow money from. We have completely separate finances, and she has no savings and bad credit. She had only paid her lawyer for the TPO and did not have her on retainer for the divorce. STBX needs to come up with around $5k, and it will be tough for her to do so. I am feeling cautiously optimistic about settling at mediation. I have the confidence of knowing I can carry on the fight for as long as I have to, but that she will likely run short on money to fund a legal battle pretty soon. Plus, we dropped enough hints that we are sitting on a mountain of evidence at the TPO hearing that if she keeps the same lawyer (and she probably will because it's the easiest thing to do) her lawyer will warn her that we would crush her in court and that it is better to take a settlement than to get nothing while running up legal bills she can't pay.

I will keep you all updated as things develop, but for now, I am feeling relieved by this victory and optimistic about the future.

Thanks,

HurtAndTired

[ForeverDad]

My ex had lawyers for two years during the divorce.  She had next to no money to pay them.  How did it work?  During the final minutes on Trial Day, where she finally capitulated and settled for an equal everything outcome for custody and parenting (eventually proven unworkable), her lawyer wouldn't let her barter away her equity in our home.  That's when I knew L's paycheck depended on her getting the expected equity division from our home and my retirement.

So even though your stbEx likely has no cash, she may be promising some or all of her portion of any marital assets to which she has rights.

On the topic of allegations, don't be overconfident she won't keep trying to make you look bad.  So far she's focused on DV scenarios.  Doesn't mean she can't or won't stage another scenario to drag into court.  Members here have been accused of attacking the ex when all they were trying to do was to get away from the ex and had merely brushed past or pushed them to the side when their exit was blocked.  One member had his then-spouse accuse him of throwing her down the steps.

Perhaps your stbEx hasn't yet accused you of every possible child abuse.  That may yet happen, perhaps as soon as she realizes adult DV isn't working.

Notice what she just did.  She put a lock on a young child's door so only she could open it.  She wasn't just trying to block your parenting, she could have been setting the stage to allege that your child wasn't safe when you had access.  Be forewarned that the next claims may be posed "to protect the child".

My story... I was able to record my ex's Threat of DV and that got her arrested.  So instead of her claiming DV, she focused almost entirely on child abuse allegations, all more or less unsubstantiated.  That continued throughout the divorce and even for a while afterward.

You might ask, "Why would CPS or the courts still entertain more allegations when her credibility was weakened?"  I used to joke - half-seriously - that the legal stance is that, just in case, maybe the 100th allegation might contain something actionable.

And yes, actionability is heightened when minors are at risk.

[HurtAndTired]

Thank you for the heads up FD.

I have already anticipated that STBX's next logical target is abuse allegations of S4. My attorney was a social worker for DHS before she became a lawyer and still has many contacts and colleagues at DHS, which gives her an unusually strong position to shut down false abuse allegations. S4's pediatrician is also a friend. I had her two children as students when I was the drama director at the high school and her kids love me. I have spoken to her about the divorce and abuse allegations against me and she has offered not only to testify that I have done all of the medical appointments for S4, but to be a character witness for me if needed. A child's pediatrician is the first stop for DHS in abuse investigations. Furthermore, as a teacher, I am a mandatory reporter to DHS and have dealt with them on multiple occasions in the process of protecting my students from dangerous situations. I feel very strongly prepared to dismantle any and all false claims against me if she decides to go nuclear with child abuse allegations. She will only be shooting herself in the foot...again.

If STBX's lawyer thinks she can squeeze fees out of a divorce windfall, she will be disabused of that notion as soon as she sees my financials. I am a teacher with a modest income. The only asset we have is the house. I live in an equitable division state, not a 50/50 state. We bought our modest house 5 years ago and are currently at 83% LTV (17% equity). I have paid 2/3 of the mortgage for the duration of our occupation. This factors into the equitable division. I have also paid 100% of childcare to the tune of $8100 a year for 4 years ($34k). Add to this me paying 80% of household expenses and the equitable division looks very bad for STBX. There is not a huge amount of equity to squeeze out of the house, and the lion's share belongs to me according to equitable division rules. My modest income and having no real savings (every "extra" penny has been going to pay down my credit cards for the past two years) means that there is nothing for STBX's lawyer to squeeze. She can't get blood out of a turnip.

I only make about $20k more a year than my STBX. There will be no alimony (spousal support in my state is usually only temporary and is only applied when a spouse needs some time to "get on their feet" financially - stay at home parent, only part time job, etc.). My STBX has been gainfully employed full-time for 23 years, provides her own health insurance, has a healthy IRA (far more than my modest retirement pension account), and has plenty of money left over to feed her shopping addiction, she is in no way, shape, or form financially dependent upon me...excluding extracting vacations and gifts out of me. I plan to offer a mutual "hands off retirement accounts" clause in a proposed settlement. Given how much more money she has in her IRA than I do in my pension (which would not be available to her for more than 15 years), this benefits her far more than it does me. Child support in my state is calculated using a formula provided by the state and there is no wiggle room up or down.

My STBX works a 7 AM to 7 PM shift on M,T, F, S, Sun one week, and W, Th the next on rotation, repeat ad infinitum. With S4 being in preschool, there is no way for her to get him to and from school on half the school days (M,T, F one week, W, Th the next). She has had this job for 23 years and the same schedule. This will not change. This means that barring some miracle (for her) that the best she can hope for with custody would be every other weekend. Courts will not give midweek overnights for a 4 year old in my state, as it causes too much disruption for little ones. This means that before any negotiation even begins that I am positioned to be the default majority custody parent (70/30) and it will be her that has to pay me child support.

I am being careful not to be cocky, but I am confident. I have planned for this for an extended period of time. Most of us who end up in a divorce are pushed into it unprepared and have to scramble. I have the benefit of having had over a year to plan and get my ducks in a row (documentation, DV advocate, great lawyer, etc.). Yes, her surprise TPO filing pushed me into action months before I was planning to make my move, but I already had all of preparation done. I was just waiting to be in a stronger financial position. I am moving forward about 5 months ahead of plan, but all of the pieces were ready to move. Thankfully, my parents have generously stepped up to help me finance the divorce. I could not afford my defense without their help (no blood out of a turnip). My modest means actually work in my favor in this case, however,  as I am an unattractive target for a money hungry lawyer.

I am also wearing my watch/camera at all times. It can record audio and video at the push of a button on the side for up to 90 minutes in 1080p and even has IR so it can record in the dark. I try not to talk to her at all, and if it is absolutely necessary, I am recording. Any communication is limited to our son, and even then it is only BIFF (Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm). I have a Ring camera installed in my bedroom that records 24/7 and is backed up to the cloud. My bedroom door is locked with a deadbolt, and if I try to be in there with the door locked except for bathroom or kitchen visits on the few hours a day that we are home at the same time. Her 7 AM to 7 PM work schedule limits our daily interactions to S4's bedtime (she leaves for work each day at around 6:20 AM and doesn't return until 7:30 PM). On her days off, I try to be out of the house and return just before S4's bedtime. It's uncomfortable, but it keeps me safe. If she is crazy enough to try to make any more false abuse allegations against me after a dismissed TPO, they will be met with extreme skepticism by the legal system in my county. Judges do not like to see the legal system repeatedly abused and weaponized, especially during an active divorce. If you bring an accusation, you better bring proof. She has already shown that she cannot do that, even with a lawyer and three runs at a TPO (initial filing dismissed ex parte due to lack of evidence, first hearing continued due to "surprise" evidence introduced, second hearing TPO again dismissed for lack of evidence - court costs assigned to her).

I expect that she will continue to do things that I do not anticipate (like the lock on S4's door). That's the nature of the beast, and I will handle each situation as it arises with advice from my lawyer. However, I am as prepared as I can be under the circumstances. I have a siege mentality. My room is my fortress and I am surrounded by the enemy. My defenses are deployed and I am situationally aware at all times. It is nerve wracking (I do not sleep well or eat much), but I know I will not have to live like this forever. It will come to an end, and there is freedom and peace on the other side.

The real wildcard is what STBX will do as she continues to spiral. She has been drinking 3 bottles of vodka a week minimum. There is a strong chance that she will get drunk and do something crazy and dangerous as the pressure builds. I am prepared to go out my second story bedroom window, climb on the ledge, and drop to the ground if necessary. I have practiced my emergency exit so that I can do it fast if needed. My locked door should at the very least slow her down enough for me to get away if she tries to get through by force. My phone is charged and 911 is on speed dial. The local police department has been made aware of the DV situation at my house (I have two friends on the force). At this point, I don't know what else I can do to be prepared. I have run all plans past my DV advocate and she says that she can't think of anything else I can do that I'm not already doing. If anyone here can suggest further measures I would be very appreciative. I need all the help I can get right now.

Thank you all again for your continued support and advice.

HurtAndTired

[GaGrl]

Couple things...

1) I have known several divorce settlement situations in which a share of a healthy IRA or 401k was "traded" for a quit claim on the house. In other words, she would give you a quit claim on the house in return for your making no claim on her IRA.

2) You can get a rope ladder to throw out your window in case of a quick exit. They are made for fire escape from second stories, but could serve your need as well.

[HurtAndTired]

Thank GaGrl!

Those are brilliant suggestions! The rope ladder is definitely something I will look into. It would make getting down in the dark much safer than a "hang and drop" from the little gable under my window/above the porch.

As for the IRA. She had a very healthy 401K at her previous job. She changed jobs about 14 months ago (same type of work, identical schedule) and she elected to put her 401K money from the previous job into an IRA rather than roll it over into her 401K at the new job. This benefits me a lot because she could have taken a loan against her 401K, but now that this money is in an IRA, she can't touch it without taking a 10% penalty for early withdrawal and around 25% taxes on any money she pulls out. This means that if she tries to take out $10k to pay her retainer fees, she'll only net around $6500. This is so painful that I only anticipate her doing it once (if she does it at all).

I am planning on offering her $5k cash to sign a quitclaim as my initial settlement offer. My fallback is $10k to sign and walk away. This will be attractive because she is unlikely to get much more than that if it goes to trial, and will burn a lot more money in attorney's fees to get very little return. I am not going to go one penny over $10k. The idea of trading "hands off retirement" for a quitclaim is something I hadn't thought of and it could save me a lot of money! I was just going to trade it away to keep her from going after my retirement, but this achieves a lot more with the same thing!

Her finances are a mess, her credit is trashed, and she has no hope of keeping the house (or buying another one after this). I am in a financial position to assume the mortgage (it's an FHA mortgage) and keep the 3.37% interest rate we currently have. Judges in my state like to keep small kids like S4 in their house if at all possible, so the deck is stacked in my favor for having the judge order the mortgage to be assumed if she signs a quitclaim.

Thanks again for the great suggestions!

HurtAndTired

[ForeverDad]

Collectively, our biggest weakness is, strangely, our Nice Guy and Nice Gal admirable qualities of fairness and niceness.  They're a downside in a contentious divorce.

The days of playing it Fair or trying to be Nice are over, sadly.  Court won't expect either of you to be overly Fair or overly Nice, so don't guilt yourself.  (Just don't in any way be perceived as Nasty.)

Your priorities are yourself and the children.  Due to her past behavior, she can't be your priority.  That's her lawyer's task.

[HurtAndTired]

I hear you FD.

My nice guy days (with her) are dead and gone. If I could pay her zip, I would. My goal now, as you often say, is to get the "least bad" settlement. I'm motivated to settle because I don't want to spend a fortune in legal fees, but not so motivated that I give her one penny more than is necessary. That's why I am drawing a hard line at a $10k payment to sign the quitclaim and walk away. It will be a loan from my parents and I am drawing up a contract that stipulates repayment terms. This is both because I want them to know how much I appreciate their help and demonstrate that I will pay them back, and so that my lawyer can say "This is the final offer. It's a loan from his parents. There is no more money. This is the best and final offer you will get."

Ironically, my STBXs financial abuse of me over the years has put me in a good position to settle. There are no secret accounts with hidden money. Any money that I could have socked away in savings over the years has been spent...by HER. The way I look at it is that she has already bled me dry, and there's no more blood for the leach to suck out. This final $5 - $10k is to save me even more in legal costs and the stress of a trial. A lawyer going after a public school teacher for big settlement money is like big game hunter trying to bag a trophy in a squirrel colony. Any trophy they could get is going to look pretty dang small when mounted over the fireplace. If STBX and her lawyer do try to go after me, they'll burn more money than they can ever recover. It would be cutting off their noses to spite their faces. While STBX is crazy enough to do it, she doesn't have the funds to keep the battle going that long, and I'm sure her attorney doesn't relish the idea of representing her pro bono.

Fingers crossed,

HurtAndTired

[ForeverDad]

If she is listed on your deed then you do need to get a quit claim deed from her, better to get it done during the divorce process or as terms in the final decree.

Changes to the deed may require a new mortgage.  Actually, if she had a good lawyer then her lawyer would insist on you obtaining a new mortgage without her on it.

[HurtAndTired]

I've done a little research into it and because she is on the mortgage there are three options to get her off. A rate and term refinance, which is just a straight up refinance at today's higher rates with only me on the mortgage. The second option is a cash out refinance which once again is at today's higher rates and would allow me to borrow against the now higher value of the house to pay off STBX and refinance on my own. The third option is only available for FHA and VA loans. It is an assumable mortgage. In this third scenario I can pay her off to sign the quitclaim deed and, with a judge's order, assume the mortgage under my name only but at the current rate. This is the best option as it would preserve my interest rate from 2020 when we bought the home. I still need to qualify for the mortgage on my own merits, but it is the best financial move.