Suffocating mother

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi everyone. I stumbled across this site while typing in suffocating mother. Where do I start! I've walked on eggshells my entire life and spent most of it in fight or flight, not knowing what it was for many years.

I've always had a difficult relationship with my mum. I was terrified of her when I was growing up. Never knowing what was going to set her off. The explosions of anger and the constant shouting being pretty much most of what I remember from being a child. I have very few other memories.

My Dad took the brunt of it and coped the best way he could. I always dreaded anything happening to my Dad as I knew  it would be a nightmare, but after losing him suddenly 18 months ago, its much worse than I imagined. My sister who is 3 years older can't cope and despite saying she would never leave me to do everything for mum & Dad that's exactly what she did, moving 200 miles away during lockdown, only telling us when it was a done deal. She hasn't spoken to us since apart from briefly when I told her about Dad and she didnt come to his funeral!! She won't speak to me because I don't support them leaving me to do everything. I wonder if she has BPD too.

Anyway, mum rarely went out of the house for years before we lost dad and didn't like my dad going out. She wanted total control so lockdown was a gift for her as she had my dad right where she wanted. My dad was a gentleman and I'm angry that she treated him so badly. I'm sure all the stress led to the brain hemorrhage that killed him.

Now she just wants me to do everything for her. She's 83 and suddenly is not happy in the house like she was for years. I feel like my life is not my own anymore. She doesn't want other people just me. I've never married (woman) and am used to being on my own and love my own company. I have a great job and life but mother is constantly trying to guilt me into going. I ring her twice a day and this week I've seen her 5 days out of 7 as she doesn't seem to do anything but sit in a chair. She doesn't even put batteries in the clock or set the oven clock if there has been a power cut. She is constantly telling me she's bored and lonely but when I make any suggestions she explodes in rage. I said today I will call for a coffee and an hour but she says she can't understand why I don't want to be with her. It's 3 or 4 hours every time because she wants me to take her out and guilts me into it even though she demanded I get a car which I did a year ago and its done 150 miles which has mostly been me taking it to run it. I do love her and feel for her as she had a terrible childhood hence the bpd I guess but I feel suffocated. I can't be everything to her. She's constantly crying or telling me she doesn't want me to go, suggesting she lives with me or much closer. I live 15 minutes away and its such a relief to leave and drive home to the countryside where I feel calmer.

Sorry for the rant. I'm trying to figure out how much I do for this person who I love but who made my life hell for much of it. I'm a christian so would always look after her but my Dad died in my arms and I can't help but blame her partly for that because of all the stress she put him through. She has played the victim all her life. She has no friends and no one wants to spend time with her. It's exhausting. I just want my life back. A friend said your mums life with your dad is over so now she thinks her life is with you! Why do I feel.so guilty.....

[Norway19]

Hi everyone. I stumbled across this site while typing in suffocating mother. Where do I start! I've walked on eggshells my entire life and spent most of it in fight or flight, not knowing what it was for many years.

I've always had a difficult relationship with my mum. I was terrified of her when I was growing up. Never knowing what was going to set her off. The explosions of anger and the constant shouting being pretty much most of what I remember from being a child. I have very few other memories.

My Dad took the brunt of it and coped the best way he could. I always dreaded anything happening to my Dad as I knew  it would be a nightmare, but after losing him suddenly 18 months ago, its much worse than I imagined. My sister who is 3 years older can't cope and despite saying she would never leave me to do everything for mum & Dad that's exactly what she did, moving 200 miles away during lockdown, only telling us when it was a done deal. She hasn't spoken to us since apart from briefly when I told her about Dad and she didnt come to his funeral!! She won't speak to me because I don't support them leaving me to do everything. I wonder if she has BPD too.

Anyway, mum rarely went out of the house for years before we lost dad and didn't like my dad going out. She wanted total control so lockdown was a gift for her as she had my dad right where she wanted. My dad was a gentleman and I'm angry that she treated him so badly. I'm sure all the stress led to the brain hemorrhage that killed him.

Now she just wants me to do everything for her. She's 83 and suddenly is not happy in the house like she was for years. I feel like my life is not my own anymore. She doesn't want other people just me. I've never married (woman) and am used to being on my own and love my own company. I have a great job and life but mother is constantly trying to guilt me into going. I ring her twice a day and this week I've seen her 5 days out of 7 as she doesn't seem to do anything but sit in a chair. She doesn't even put batteries in the clock or set the oven clock if there has been a power cut. She is constantly telling me she's bored and lonely but when I make any suggestions she explodes in rage. I said today I will call for a coffee and an hour but she says she can't understand why I don't want to be with her. It's 3 or 4 hours every time because she wants me to take her out and guilts me into it even though she demanded I get a car which I did a year ago and its done 150 miles which has mostly been me taking it to run it. I do love her and feel for her as she had a terrible childhood hence the bpd I guess but I feel suffocated. I can't be everything to her. She's constantly crying or telling me she doesn't want me to go, suggesting she lives with me or much closer. I live 15 minutes away and its such a relief to leave and drive home to the countryside where I feel calmer.

Sorry for the rant. I'm trying to figure out how much I do for this person who I love but who made my life hell for much of it. I'm a christian so would always look after her but my Dad died in my arms and I can't help but blame her partly for that because of all the stress she put him through. She has played the victim all her life. She has no friends and no one wants to spend time with her. It's exhausting. I just want my life back. A friend said your mums life with your dad is over so now she thinks her life is with you! Why do I feel.so guilty.....

[Notwendy]

I am sorry for the loss of your father. My situation was similar to yours in ways. My father was the main emotional caretaker for my BPD mother and like yours, he experienced her behaviors the most. As his health diminished- and he wasn't able to do as much for her, her BPD behaviors increased. I also attempted to be of help to my parents, but eventually felt the need for boundaries as well.

My father passed away after a long illness. I don't live very close to my parents and my initial plan was to have them move closer to me. At the time, they refused my suggestions. Some time after my father passed away, BPD mother decided she wanted to move near me but by then, I knew I needed the distance as a boundary.

I understand the conflict- with yourself, as to how much you can do and how much you need to have boundaries on your availability. Although we want to do our best for our parents- what made this different is that- parents also usually care about their child's well being too. They don't expect the adult child to be available all the time, as they have their own lives, jobs, responsibilities. For my parents, it seemed that whatever I could do was not enough, they would be angry with any boundaries.

It is also a spiritual struggle. How to honor a parent and have boundaries while knowing that saying "no" results in your parent being unhappy with that. On my part, I think I'd have to say I did this "imperfectly" but I did make the effort. 12 step ACA (they help with the BPD dynamics too- it isn't only for alcohol issues) helped with this. The "Higher Power" concept can be adapted to any religion. I think it helps to have the support of a counselor and you may also want to reach out to clergy to help you with where you have your boundaries, especially with the sudden loss of your father. You are in the process of grieving and need to take care of your own feelings.

As for your mother, she's experienced the sudden loss of your father, and this would be difficult for anyone, even someone who didn't have BPD. I know some older women, who after a sudden loss of their spouse, experienced depression and needed some medical assistance. It sounds like your mother is experiencing this too. While she may be resistant to therapy for "BPD" - or any outside help- I wonder if she'd allow you to take her to her doctor for an evaluation for anxiety and depression. She may need medication to help with this. It's also possible she'd qualify for some type of home health visit to check on her.

Take care of yourself too. This is a big loss for you as well.

[TelHill]

Hi Norway,

I’m sorry about the loss of your dad. My parents are still alive but elderly being in their 90s. My mother is the pwBPD and my dad is the emotional rock to her immature and incorrigible behavior.

I agree with Notwendy about setting boundaries if you decide to help her. I wanted to add you have to be prepared in case she decides to break those boundaries. How do react to preserve your mental health and general well-being? My mother has gone off the rails many times. A sweet little old lady is not a title anyone who knows her would give her.

I was uncertain how to help them out knowing how abusive she can be. I tried a few years ago and I couldn’t tolerate her. I had to stop. She’s developed dementia in the last few years and her bpd symptoms have decreased. I am able to help her and my dad out without much anguish. We have some pt help as she can’t do much for herself.

I’m also a Christian. I made all my decisions based on prayer. My church has acknowledged recently that some parents reject children and are abusive towards them. The denial of that reality from years ago is gone.

Like with your sister, I suspect my brother has bpd. It’s something that’s become apparent as I’m spending more time with him and my parents. He’s good at manipulating a situation so he doesn’t have to help. There are other things he’s done like lying and stealing which makes me think he’s disordered.

I often wish he weren’t here as he’s difficult to deal with.I don’t know if your sister is like that. It may be a blessing that she’s gone.

[zachira]

You are under no obligation to help an abusive parent, though you may want to continue to try to help or not help, which is a decision you can change at any time. A parent who has BPD often has alienated everyone else but one of their children. Things usually only get worse as a parent with BPD ages. They never make better decisions just worse ones, and aging is harder for them than for more mentally stable individuals.

My mother with BPD is deceased. I would have liked to help her and could not. I was very low contact with her at the end of her life. I am sad about this and do not feel guilty. 

[123sunshine123]

Hi Norway19,

I can relate to your post and my mom sounds similar to yours, my childhood similar to yours. I also struggle with how much to do for my 84 year old mom. When I disconnect in my head and think of her as any elderly person and not like she is my mom, she complains that I do not show her deference, and I do not show her care. I keep telling myself that I'm not responsible for her feelings. I try to do what I can and give my best, and take breaks from her to keep the other aspects of my life going. She will never be happy with this approach. Her needs will always be more immediate and more important than my needs, priorities, interests, etc. I struggle with accepting that she will never change, and I struggle with what to actually say in response to her criticism and inaccurate assessments of my behavior. I struggle with accepting her anger with me and fight against the my urge to argue, justify, and defend. I struggle with limiting contact to min vs. hours.

Reading what other people post on this forum helps me a lot.

[Methuen]

You ask “why do I feel so guilty?”

I understand this completely.

My answer is because almost from the time we could walk, they groomed us to take care of them. We were little children and defenseless against this grooming.

This is the “parentification”  piece as it is supposed to be the other way around.

I have memories of my little legs running down the hallway spilling water from a glass because I was afraid of not getting a it to my mom fast enough - she was in bed with a migraine. Why did I feel that way when I was so small?

They raised us - they know our weak spots and they know how to manipulate our emotions to have their needs met.  Does that fit for you?

I have a great job and life but mother is constantly trying to guilt me into going. I ring her twice a day and this week I've seen her 5 days out of 7 as she doesn't seem to do anything but sit in a chair. She doesn't even put batteries in the clock or set the oven clock if there has been a power cut. She is constantly telling me she's bored and lonely but when I make any suggestions she explodes in rage. I said today I will call for a coffee and an hour but she says she can't understand why I don't want to be with her.

Can you see how she is using your guilt to have her needs met?

My mom is 89.  She was like yours.  I was helping her daily 4-5 hours for her recovery after her first fall.  She was mean and abusive.  After 4-5 weeks I went to her doctor and confidentially disclosed what was going on.  He ordered home care.  After some time, she cancelled it.  Her need was for me to attend to her.  This pattern of getting home care involved and her cancelling it went on for many many years.

She also wanted me to move her into my house to live with H and I.  That was a hard no.  It was my H who told her.

I returned to work out of retirement.  It set a boundary that made me unavailable to do things for her.  For me, it was an excuse not to feel guilty.

If you are ringing her twice daily and saw her 5 times in the week and she’s treating you like this, ask yourself if this is sustainable for you.

She isn’t going to change.  Accept that this is her personality.  The only thing you can do is change how you respond to her.

I’m so happy you love your job.  This obligation she has you feeling to take care of her is unreasonable at the level of her needs. 

Is home care an option?  I’m not asking if she would accept it.  I’m wondering if it’s even available?  Or maybe a church contact would like to make a little extra cash?  If she says no, that’s on her.  Because she says no doesnt mean you have to then do it.

It’s hard to set boundaries for a parent.  But when that parent is an elderly BPD, they will completely engulf you if you don’t have limits that you are willing to hold despite their manipulative push back against them.

My mom’s strategy was to tell me what a terrible daughter I was because she knew how much it meant to me to try to be a great daughter.  She knew that and used it against me.

This is a great place for support, but so is a counselor - one with a lot of experience with BPD. 

I hope you can see that you have a right and obligation to take care of you.  It is not selfish to do this. It is necessary.  If your mom tells you it is selfish- that is the manipulation again.  This is what mine did to me.

My mom is in assisted living now.  How she got there is another story.

It can get better.  But it’s going to have to come from within you to make it that way. Don’t expect her to cooperate.  A counselor really helps.