On to Containment

[SoVeryConfused]

Hi,
One of the most stark things I'm noticing from our posts is how much this illness takes from parents emotionally and financially, and how often, it changes nothing (while untreated). This is a wake up call for me.

Over months, I have been validating, listening for the emotion first, not JADEing, answering the first calls of the day to give her a chance to be civil, etc. Instead, the behavior has gotten worse and more rage-filled.

For those reasons, and on the recommendation of my therapist, I'm trying to go very low contact. One response per day, only after work and only by text, responding to the most civil part of any text thread, if there is any. Why?

No amount of listening, gray rocking, or validating is calming the dysregulation. It returns to her favorite topics - I have never apologized. I don't support her  (I should know how and what to do), I am the cause of her problems, I ignored her in childhood, I parentified her, I abandoned her since middle school etc.

The other night, she asked me to come stay with her. I haven't seen her in months, so I agreed. Then she tells me to come at 10:30 pm instead. It's two hours away, so I say - sorry, that's late. But I will come in the morning. That led to raging about how I'm never there for her and twisting words that I said into something different. Mind you... she has called me every name in the book, and I was still going to go there.

I feel sad about moving to containment/low contact, but I can't see another way right now. I'm burnt out. You can only validate so much and hold off from JADE when they come at you with handfuls of grievances, one after the other.

I don't know if this is the right thing, but I'm out of ideas on how to engage with her. If others have gone this route, I would be interested in your experience. Thanks.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Pook075]

I don't know if this is the right thing, but I'm out of ideas on how to engage with her. If others have gone this route, I would be interested in your experience. Thanks.

For my relationship, it took a death of a close relative for my daughter to "hear me" and break past the fog that had always been there.  That was almost three years ago and our relationship has been completely different since then.

However, you're absolutely right.  There's nothing we can do if they're not mentally ready to actually hear us.  They have to realize there's a problem within before they can actually let the past die.  And there's no timetables for that, it's a personal journey for them.

[CC43]

Hi there,

I understand the frustration and despair, and that it's possible that with a little time and distance, you'll feel a tiny bit of relief from the onslaught.  But you still mourn the loss of your daughter to mental illness, and you wonder if she'll ever get the help she needs.

Let me guess, she's about 24-27, right?  And though she had outbursts when she was 16-23, now she seems to have gotten worse?  Maybe it's because the world is expecting her to act like an adult, and she's beginning to realize, she can't hack it.  I bet she started to have troubles "adulting" when she was 16-23, but in this day and age, young adults are basically treated like adolescents for a long time, and she "got away with" acting the way she did.  But by 24-27, the world expects her to be responsible for herself by now, and able to hit typical adult milestones like living independently, setting her own goals, managing money, having adult relationships, managing her schedule, planning meals, being civil with those around her, solving problems, managing her healthcare, insuring her own car/health/home, etc.  But that conflicts with her identity (poor little abused/mistreated child), and she resists taking responsibility.  Instead, she blames you.  For as long as she does this, she avoids taking the reins of her own life.

My BPD stepdaughter has gotten intensive treatment, but she's still resisting taking responsibility for her life.  While she has had some exposure to the real world (e.g. short-term jobs and firings, inability to sign a lease, running out of healthcare insurance, etc.), her underlying expectation is that her dad will not only rescue her, but continue to finance a resort-like lifestyle for her.  She still has a tendency to dredge up ancient grievances whenever she bumps up against the real world, such as not getting any job offers.  She has been desperate to move to an expensive city, thinking that if we set her up in yet another apartment, in yet another location, things will magically get better for her.  Her dad explained to her, her problems will still be exactly the same, no matter where she is.  Namely, that she will never be able to sign a lease without having income from a job.  That she has to manage a budget.  That for as long as she is doing entry-level work, she will likely have to live with roommates.  That most jobs involve some sort of commute.  That jobs involve work, and it's not always fun.  I have said to her, there's nobody preventing her from moving to the expensive city except for herself.  If she wants it, she has to make it happen.  Maybe it's not realistic this very minute, but if she worked at it, she could achieve it in a year if she really wanted.  But that's not what she wants to hear, because she's impatient, and her reaction is to retreat for a while, in avoidance.  She'll say it's too "stressful" to plan her life, or that I'm incredibly rude to say the only person preventing her from moving is herself.

Having said all that, I think that in order for her to realize that she needs to be responsible and take control of her life, she needs to live a while in the real world.  For as long as she's living in the parental home and treating parents like a bottomless ATM, she is resolute in blaming her parents for all her problems.  But slowly, in the 24-27 age range, I think two things happen.  First, her peers are busy with their adult lives (working, training/studying advanced degrees, dating, living independently, and maybe even getting married and starting families), whereas she still lives like a dependent adolescent.  Her peers don't have time or energy for sleepovers, partying or lazing the summer away like they used to.  Idle time just isn't as fun anymore, and she starts to feel lonely and left behind.  Secondly, it gets harder and harder to blame parents for her circumstances, because she's the one making all the decisions, good or bad.  Though she might say it's her parents' fault for getting fired, she can't honestly believe that's true.  Well she might say it was her boss' fault, or her coworker's fault, but at least it's not the parents' fault!  She probably has lost most, if not all, of her friends because of her outbursts, because who honestly would put up with that sort of behavior?  Does this sound familiar?  As the years roll on and the real-life experiences build, she can't help but feel more and more miserable, left behind and downtrodden.  As she starts to confront reality, she might rage and deflect even more, because it distresses her so much.  But maybe the pressure will build enough for her to realize, she needs professional help to cope with life, because she's just not hacking it.  There's no clear timetable for this, but my thinking is, it's only possible if she's on her own.  Otherwise, she'll continue to blame you and make you responsible for her life.