Hello Agg203008 and
Good to hear you're in counseling with a therapist who knows that BPD might be in play in your relationship. Being seen like that, and then finding this group and also feeling seen/understood, can be so helpful. We're not alone in this!
There are definitely many members here with spouses/partners/SO's who also express a lot of negativity and discontent. Many pwBPD have low coping skills for their overwhelming and painful inner emotions, so things that wouldn't really bother a person without BPD, are intolerably uncomfortable for a person with BPD, and instead of coping with those intolerable feelings using mature skills (take a break, journal, call a friend, talk to a counselor), the pwBPD may rant, rage, blame, use black-or-white/all-or-nothing thinking, etc.
pwBPD also typically have a weak sense of self ("this is me, that is not me" - "these are my feelings, those are your feelings" - "this is who I am and it's consistent") and may externalize that -- so if your wife feels discontent inside, instead of being able to identify that those are her feelings inside of her, she may try to pin them on something external, like you noted here:
If I try to lead in family decisions. She says I am controlling and do not care about her. If I take a backseat she says I am too passive and she wants a man who takes charge.
Direct & clear communication of feelings will be very difficult for her if BPD is in play, as BPD is a real, serious, and impairing mental illness. So she may feel controlled and not cared about, but because BPD is so impairing of emotional accuracy, she can't say "babe, I just need to share, that I feel scared when I feel controlled", and will likely blame instead.
Fortunately, getting educated about BPD can help you find new ways forward for yourself, your relationship, and your family. You learning new tools and skills won't cure your wife, but it can make your life more livable, especially as you learn how you may have been inadvertently making things worse, and how to stop adding fuel to the fire.
A great place to start is our workshop on
how not to invalidate others -- not "how to always agree" or "how to placate your spouse" or "how to be a doormat". Rather, it's about how to understand that you and your W are speaking different languages right now (logical language & emotional language), and how knowing that she's speaking emotionally (despite the words sounding logical, maybe) can help you connect a little better... and maybe find some common ground.
Not easy stuff -- but it's possible for things to be less maddening
Before I forget, do the two of you have any kids?
