Totally lost, left in pain

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hello,

I just came out of a 1.5 year rollercoaster with my bpd girlfriend.

I knew her already for 20+ years, and we got into a relationship, never could have imagined how a ride it would be.

The first three months were very romantic, best time ever, then after three months we went on vacation to Spain and out of the blue she completely freaked out after she asked if we could visit her friend for a few days on a nearby island, I said that it was not the right time to visit, maybe a next one. She threatened to leave for the airport to go home, crying yelling etc, saying everything had to go my way.

That was the first encounter with her problems. The months after were a werlwind of emotions, lots of arguments with me but also at her work with her suoervisor which eventualy led to a dismissal, and she took it all home to me with her.

At month 6 she said she was having hormones issues, and she stopped taking antidepressants and birth control cold turkey.

From day ine I told her and also multiole times during our relation that I did not had kid wishes annymore, I told her if she wanted kids, then she had to look for that happiness elsewhere, but not with me.

Things startened to worsen with arguments now on a weekly bases, still out of the blue and out of proportions.

Though she could be very kindhearted as well, that was the strange part.

After 8 months she broke up with me, everything was my fault, U didn’t changed at all she said.

A week after I tried to fix it, and again she yelled and argued, and in between she suddenly said ‘I am pregnant’. My world and live goals collaped, how in earth could we have a kid in this toxic environment.

She had an abortion, and is blamed me for it.

In the months after we had several get togethers, also intimate, and started planning things again for the future.

Until a month ago, she broke up after an argument in which she demanded that I gave up my house, which I just build, and she demanded that she was above my family, said she had to be number one.

I sais she went too far with that and I walked away.

I got a text from her, in which she said ‘it’s enough’.

Haven’t heard from her since, and she moved on with an ex of her three days after the break up.

I am totally lost.

Sorry for any written errors, I am Dutch.

[Bennyblanco_nl]

Hello,

I just came out of a 1.5 year rollercoaster with my bpd girlfriend.

I knew her already for 20+ years, and we got into a relationship, never could have imagined how a ride it would be.

The first three months were very romantic, best time ever, then after three months we went on vacation to Spain and out of the blue she completely freaked out after she asked if we could visit her friend for a few days on a nearby island, I said that it was not the right time to visit, maybe a next one. She threatened to leave for the airport to go home, crying yelling etc, saying everything had to go my way.

That was the first encounter with her problems. The months after were a werlwind of emotions, lots of arguments with me but also at her work with her suoervisor which eventualy led to a dismissal, and she took it all home to me with her.

At month 6 she said she was having hormones issues, and she stopped taking antidepressants and birth control cold turkey.

From day ine I told her and also multiole times during our relation that I did not had kid wishes annymore, I told her if she wanted kids, then she had to look for that happiness elsewhere, but not with me.

Things startened to worsen with arguments now on a weekly bases, still out of the blue and out of proportions.

Though she could be very kindhearted as well, that was the strange part.

After 8 months she broke up with me, everything was my fault, U didn’t changed at all she said.

A week after I tried to fix it, and again she yelled and argued, and in between she suddenly said ‘I am pregnant’. My world and live goals collaped, how in earth could we have a kid in this toxic environment.

She had an abortion, and is blamed me for it.

In the months after we had several get togethers, also intimate, and started planning things again for the future.

Until a month ago, she broke up after an argument in which she demanded that I gave up my house, which I just build, and she demanded that she was above my family, said she had to be number one.

I sais she went too far with that and I walked away.

I got a text from her, in which she said ‘it’s enough’.

Haven’t heard from her since, and she moved on with an ex of her three days after the break up.

I am totally lost.

Sorry for any written errors, I am Dutch.

[PeteWitsend]

If it's any solace for you while you're in pain, know that you did the right things and stayed firm.  You didn't allow this person to take your house, and you didn't have a child or children with them. 

So many people here (myself included) endured much worse and for a longer time, so you did well, and should feel good about yourself. 

The only real way to "win" in a relationship with a person-with-BPD is not to engage with them. 

Don't walk away from this allowing this person to cause you to question your own morals and values; the problems in the relationship were entirely their own, not yours.  Take this as a learning experience to know to end it when someone starts behaving as she did during your holiday in Spain. 

Also, I would not trust that she actually had an abortion unless there is actual objective evidence supporting it.  BPDers lie all the time, including things that can be easily verified, and have absolutely no shame about doing it.  And even if she did, how can you be sure it was yours? 

[Pensive1]

It's normal to feel lost under such circumstances, and what you describe of your relationship is very characteristic. A relationship with a person with BPD is typically very intense, with a lot of powerful emotions, and at the beginning can feel almost magical, so you end up extremely attached to them. So breaking up can be very painful and disorienting.

And someone with BPD can be very kindhearted and self-sacrificing, even if at other times, the disorder robs them of the capacity to feel empathy for their partner, and they can act very entitled. For someone with BPD to freak out, out of the blue, splitting and seeing you as all bad, is a characteristic part of the disorder - people with BPD have difficulty seeing others in shades of gray, with simultaneous positive and negative aspects (there's a lack of object constancy). It's also common for people with BPD to monkeybranch and to recycle ex-partners. Because they often get together with someone else immediately after a breakup (or even while you're still in a relationship with them), you're often left wondering if the love in your relationship was actually real.

Time will slowly heal the wounds - I'm two years out from a 25 year relationship with a partner with BPD, and I'm now doing fairly well (even though I was a basket case right after she monkeybranched, dumping me for an ex). I would suggest reaching out to supportive friends. And to do activities that can bring you some joy and peace (e.g., I like walking in nature). Seeing a therapist can also be helpful for some people, in grappling with the aftermath.

[ForeverDad]

My marriage was manageable for a decade but had been slowly growing increasingly problematic.  Looking back, I was so very clueless, I imagined that if we had a child then she'd be so happy to watch a young child discovering the joys of life.

How wrong I was, she drew away from me after our child's birth and within a few years my marriage had imploded.  Having a child meant (1) our divorce was vastly more complicated due to the custody and parenting issues and (2) we were forever linked.

Years later I looked back and concluded having a child reminded her of her childhood abuse.  She thereafter saw me, not as a husband, but as a father to be compared to her evil stepfather.  She totally ignored my love and patience of the prior dozen years.