6 month relationship with a girl who has BPD - at a loss

[WhyreSneaker]

About half a year ago I started dating my current girlfriend, she told me early on into the relationship she has BPD and about her trauma. She has been pretty up front with me about things and self aware, she has been going to therapy for years at this point. Unfortunately instead of looking into the details of what BPD is and how to navigate it, I decided to just see where things went and take them as they came, I consider myself generally good at communication, being fair, honest and non-malicious during conflict, so I thought we'd be able to handle things. Yeah, arrogant and stupid in hindsight.

Like I've come to find out is common, the first few months were incredible, some of the best months of my life. Unfortunately around the 4th month things began to shift, it wasn't sudden, it wasn't drastic but it was obvious. She began to go back on things she said, expectations, preferences, boundaries and such, a lot of it caught me very off guard, especially as she would make comments taking issue with things I did that were in accordance to her original desires and boundaries. Fortunately as I pointed this out, she didn't deny it so I figured we navigated the situations as best as possible.

But even with that things only got worse, again nothing drastic, we had some heated discussions and arguments but no big blow outs, nothing cruel said to each other, just some obvious tension and conflict. During this time her feelings seem to have changed regarding me, when initially she was very affectionate, very trusting, eager to do things with me daily, she is now rather distant, we still talk daily but we rarely do things together anymore, and when we do it isn't for a long time. I understand the concept of the honeymoon phase and it doesn't last forever but this was definitely an unusually drastic decline. She even got to the point where she questioned if she wanted to be in a relationship, not just with me but any relationship in general, but at the same time she didn't like the idea of breaking up. Occasionally she will say she loves me and appreciates me being there for her but they only feel like words, I get no sense of affection from her and as such although I am not being bitter towards her in the slightest, I can not help but begin to also  emotionally distance myself from her because it felt so one sided and almost awkward at this point.

I've been looking into BPD a lot over the last month as this shift began to happen, and I have read about the devaluation stage but things don't seem that bad, she is not openly aggressive or insulting towards me to my face. I say to my face because there is an instance in which I found her saying some insulting things to/about me online from an alternate account on social media, nothing insane or cruel but definitely antagonistic which was a big surprise to me because of how much she seemed to adore me to myself, this was a situation of the words themselves not really bothering me but the principle of her sort of saying these things behind my back in a sense under a fake name.  She is very open to hearing anything I have to say about the relationship and doesn't become defensive or malicious about it, it's more of a "You're right but this is just how I feel" kind of attitude, apathy. She has mentioned how she feels both lonely but also suffocated and doesn't know what to do about it, and neither do I, I can relate to feeling one or the other at various points but consistently both at the same time? I don't know what to do with that.

I am at a loss of where to take this, every day it feels more like we've unofficially broken up, no longer romantic partners but unwilling to seal the deal. Is this just a temporary rut? I understand things won't go back to being how amazing the first few months were, but what about half that passion? a quarter of it? Is it just downhill from here until it fizzles? Is there anything I can do? Should I rip the band-aid off now or just see where it goes? Lots of questions that I struggle to answer even despite trying to digest as much information about BPD as I can. Also if it's important there is a significant age gap between us of about ten years with me being the older person. I do genuinely care about her and am willing to have a lot of patience with this, but if it just boils down to her not having any love for me, I don't know if there's anything I can do with or about that.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[WhyreSneaker]

I also forgot to mention we had a big trip planned that I recently backed out on. The reason being this trip is a big time and financial investment, which I was fine with when we felt like a couple, obviously I love spending time with her, but with how things are now, with her not seeming to have any real feelings for me I feared that it would be an awkward waste of time with us simply existing near each other and be a big waste for us both. I am conflicted on if I should have done this. When I broke it to her she didn't seem to have a strong reaction, she said it was "Sad but understandable"

Sorry for the double post, I can not find an edit button on the OP.

[thankful person]

Hi whyresneaker and welcome,

Having BPD pretty much makes a person permanently dissatisfied with most aspects of their lives. I have been with my pwbpdw now for 11 years married for 8, weeks have four young children. Sometimes we get along again but she will never love me the way she once did. I still get told I’m not good enough but I’m not as bothered these days but that annoys her further, my lack of emotion. We are a lesbian couple and I’m 15 years older, she was only 21 when we met. She has grown up a a lot since then. But life is very hard at times especially trying to protect the children from her insane ways. A couple of examples from today: I teach lessons online, and today w was going to visit a university she wants to study at. I had asked her many times if she was ok with me teaching this morning as she would have to get kids and herself ready alone and we’d all leave immediately after my lesson. She drags me and kids everywhere, we didn’t go with her but she wanted a life which was half an hour so two hours in the car unnecessarily imo. But it’s about keeping the peace. She started loudly criticising me during my online lesson, for not helping her, not supporting her. Later on I stupidly told her one of my work friends is having a baby shower. And I didn’t even say I wanted to go but she had been going on for hours about how I want to spend my time with other people not her. This is my life. I adore my kids which are biologically hers but legally through ivf also mine. I’m happier than ever because of them. But everything is so unnecessarily complicated. And this is the road we choose. I know you gf is not my wife … but these themes run very commonly on this page. There are lots of useful articles on here. But the question is whether you really want to play out this drama forever. I suggest you get yourself into therapy (With a therapist who understands bpd). I particularly think you need to explore any reasons you feel you “should” remain in this relationship. My wife “stole” me from my ex bf even though I lived on the opposite side of the planet. I loved her and I was obsessed with her. But I didn’t want to leave him and pathetic as it sounds… She was always in control. And still is. Good luck.

[WhyreSneaker]

Thanks for your reply, along with what you said I've been reading this forum a lot and it is making me question whether it's worth it, especially with her not wanting to keep it up herself. I will think on it a bit more but I am leaning towards just breaking it off.

[thankful person]

It’s important to remember that you are not responsible for another person’s happiness, and if you make that choice to end it then be prepared that she may try all tactics to make you stay. I have had a particularly hard time recently since my Dad died and my wife has struggled with what seems like jealousy because I’m upset my Dad died. She stops my mother from seeing our kids, saying Mum is not welcoming towards her, when Mum has never done anything wrong imo, and in fact helps us out financially. My wife screamed at me on the phone as I drove six hours back from my Dads funeral because she insisted she needed me here to put the kids to bed. I only got there at 2am on the day of the funeral after helping out the kids to bed. It goes on. On a good day I’d be saying it’s not that bad. But I tend to see it in terms of how manageable she is.. always knowing it’s the calm before the next storm. I wouldn’t be with her at this point if it wasn’t for the kids. It’s a complicated situation though, especially as they are very little.

[Under The Bridge]

Welcome to the site - your post is the classic cycle of BPD which we've all experienced so we know exactly what you're going through and how utterly confusing - not to mention stressful - it all is.

It's impossible to know exactly what a BPD is thinking at any time; they usually don't know themselves and are capable of altering facts to suit their own 'victim' agenda so how can we reliably interpret anything they say or do? Any well-meaning action we take may only worsen things.

I learned from my 4-year relationship that when they appear not bothered by, for example, you cancelling an event, they are in fact extremely bothered, seeing it as a form of rejection - the thing they fear the most. We know it was innocent but their black and white thinking sees only the negative.

My ex often couldn't explain why she wanted to break up, she knew I was totally genuine and sincere but her condition just caused her to have these wild emotion swings and I quickly learned there was no 'safe' way to deal with it, other than just give her time and space to hopefully come out of it.

Withot professional help and her willingness to be helped, BPD is repeating cycle; it does not magically vanish - much as we all hoped it would. I'd give her time and space - don't put pressure on her as that only serves to trigger her 'suffocation' response, but the occasional brief message to let her know you're thinking of her would be fine. In the end the ball will be in her court as to what she does. From what you write, she doesn't seem to be as bad as some BPD sufferers can be, so I'd persevere.

If you do decide to end it though, then the hard part is sticking to no-contact and not being drawn back into the cycle.. and we've all done that.

Best wishes whatevr you decide.