My HwuBPD has been normal for the past 10 days.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Right after I posted about being unable to cope, my H  woke up and started acting like a normal person. No more endless criticisms.  No more picking fights. His tense, anxious aura disappeared. It’s unbelievable, and I know it won’t last. 

It’s been great to be free to be myself. To speak my mind.  To be respected. To be free of criticism.  To never hear putdowns.  Everyday, I anticipate arguments and insults, but they haven’t come back  (yet).

I’m not sure if this is normal, and I certainly don’t expect it to last.  Still, I’m trying to enjoy it, until it’s gone.  As much as I’m loving it, I feel weird around him at times.  Who is this man? Oh, right.  He’s the man I married, twenty years ago.

Every once in a while, he’s tried to argue with me about something, but within seconds, he cut himself off, and made a joke about the topic instead.  I have not been criticized for 10 DAYS! it’s been heaven on earth. 

Yesterday, for the first time in a long time, we went to a park, TOGETHER.  I haven’t done anything like that with him since 2023, because he’s been too impossible to be around.  Usually, when he goes out for recreation, I see it as a healthy break for me.  I can breathe easily.  But for now, we can recreate together — I have a partner. 

I like it.  I love it. But It feels weird - Who is this man?  I’m also mindful that this too shall pass. 

Also, this brief respite has NOT restored my love for him. I think has destroyed that part of my heart, forever. 

I still want to leave.  I still dream of being totally free. But if I’m being honest, I haven’t work on it very much, for the past 10 days. 

After  two solid years of being (verbally) beaten down, unmercifully, I guess I should just enjoy this while it lasts. 

Has anyone else ever experienced this? Is this normal?

[JazzSinger]

Right after I posted about being unable to cope, my H  woke up and started acting like a normal person. No more endless criticisms.  No more picking fights. His tense, anxious aura disappeared. It’s unbelievable, and I know it won’t last. 

It’s been great to be free to be myself. To speak my mind.  To be respected. To be free of criticism.  To never hear putdowns.  Everyday, I anticipate arguments and insults, but they haven’t come back  (yet).

I’m not sure if this is normal, and I certainly don’t expect it to last.  Still, I’m trying to enjoy it, until it’s gone.  As much as I’m loving it, I feel weird around him at times.  Who is this man? Oh, right.  He’s the man I married, twenty years ago.

Every once in a while, he’s tried to argue with me about something, but within seconds, he cut himself off, and made a joke about the topic instead.  I have not been criticized for 10 DAYS! it’s been heaven on earth. 

Yesterday, for the first time in a long time, we went to a park, TOGETHER.  I haven’t done anything like that with him since 2023, because he’s been too impossible to be around.  Usually, when he goes out for recreation, I see it as a healthy break for me.  I can breathe easily.  But for now, we can recreate together — I have a partner. 

I like it.  I love it. But It feels weird - Who is this man?  I’m also mindful that this too shall pass. 

Also, this brief respite has NOT restored my love for him. I think has destroyed that part of my heart, forever. 

I still want to leave.  I still dream of being totally free. But if I’m being honest, I haven’t work on it very much, for the past 10 days. 

After  two solid years of being (verbally) beaten down, unmercifully, I guess I should just enjoy this while it lasts. 

Has anyone else ever experienced this? Is this normal?

[Notwendy]

I think one can expect BPD behaviors to seemingly "come and go" to some extent. There can be times when the person can act relatively "normal". If we think of the BPD behaviors as maladaptive coping skills, then in stressful times they may be greater than others.

The other half of this dynamic is you. While you can not change your H, if you make changes in how you react and respond, if you enable less, and the dynamics change- then it's possible your H might adapt some.

I don't think it's possible to predict what is going to happen. I think it's likely you will see an up and down pattern to the behaviors. It may also be that you are reacting less to your H's criticism, and somehow not reinforcing it as much (even a negative reaction is still a form of attention and positive reinforcement).  Or he is sensing your distance and trying to be "good" (pwBPD can have a social persona) in which case, he may not be able to keep this up. Either way, the change is in a positive direction. Be sure to positively reinforce this good behavior.

I understand the "waiting for the other shoe to drop" feeling. Progress isn't a straight line for either of you.  Maybe he will revert to his old behaviors - and it's probably likely he will- but this doesn't mean there isn't progress. Keep working on yourself and how you react to him. If he "goes back" - you don't have to react in the same way you did. Don't JADE, don't get into circular arguments.

[Notwendy]

Another possibility is aging. I have friends who say their mother was mean in her younger years and somehow, nicer in her elder years. My BPD mother remained consistent. She didn't change, but I have heard of this happening. Just enjoy the situation as it is. If there's significant personality changes- he should be evaluated.

[JazzSinger]

The other half of this dynamic is you. While you can not change your H, if you make changes in how you react and respond, if you enable less, and the dynamics change- then it's possible your H might adapt some.

NotWendy,

Thank you so much for pointing this out.   I am a changed person, especially since I’ve been in therapy.  I’ve definitely grown, and I’m stronger.  I’m also more distant, because I simply no longer  want to allow  his negative behaviors to constantly take me down. 

I’ve set firmer boundaries.  I’m more focused on self-care.   I don’t even see him as my H anymore. Sadly, he’s more of an annoyance that I must tolerate until I can get myself out of this situation.  And I’m also planning a way out. It’s a slow process, but it’s something I’ve never even thought about before.  I guess he’s picking up in all of those vibes. 

I really hope these stress free days last. But if not, I’ll just come back stronger. 

Thanks again.

Jazz

[JazzSinger]

Another possibility is aging. I have friends who say their mother was mean in her younger years and somehow, nicer in her elder years. My BPD mother remained consistent. She didn't change, but I have heard of this happening. Just enjoy the situation as it is. If there's significant personality changes- he should be evaluated.

NotWendy,

You may be spot on. He just passed a landmark birthday a couple of weeks ago.  Perhaps it  has had some impact. He keeps saying it was monumental for him.

I guess time will tell whether or not this is part of the equation.

Sadly, He will Never allow himself to be evaluated, because he’s “fine.”

Thanks so much.

Jazz

[CC43]

Hi Jazz,

I've shared with you on prior posts some thoughts on my controlling husband.  The other day he threw one of his usual tantrums when I spent an evening out with some girlfriends.  It didn't matter that I had saved the date for weeks, reminded him several times of the upcoming evening out (he doesn't like surprises), prepared a favorite dinner for him (all he had to do was re-heat), and informed him two days in advance of the exact restaurant I'd be going to, and who would be in attendance.  It didn't matter that he "promised" not to throw a fit, and it didn't matter that I told him ahead of time that I'd be home at 10 PM, and that I was when I got home.  He threw a tantrum anyway.  He screamed I was gone for "too long," even though I returned home at the agreed-upon hour, which would be a curfew appropriate for a 12-year-old.  (By the way, the restaurant was an hour's drive away.)  He also accused me of being a "horrible wife" because he "had to make dinner" himself (not true), and because I have an "independent social life!"  He screamed at me as I was getting ready for bed, and then he refused to sleep in the marital bed.  Well, do you know what?  I almost didn't care.  I let him throw his tantrum.  In all honesty, I was expecting it, because he's thrown the same tantrum many times before.  And it's not like I go out alone all the time, it's more like once every other month, and around half the time I'm gone for lunch, not dinner.  Though I feel I don't deserve such treatment, I decided long ago that I wasn't going to let his tantrums isolate me from all my friends and family.  I already gave up one important friendship with a lady neighbor, and I declined to join two different clubs I was interested in because of his tantrums.  One year I committed to volunteer coaching for an hour per week for eight weeks, online only, and he threw fits then, too, because I "inconvenienced" him.  On reflection, I decided that I wasn't going to allow him to continue to isolate me and keep me locked up at home.  I decided to live my life anyway, even if it means he throws tantrums when he's upset, and even if it means he INVENTS ridiculous reasons to be upset about.

Sadly, he threw a tantrum the day of my dad's funeral, because my attention was temporarily diverted away from my husband, and I was trying to help my mom.  He also threw tantrums when I spent time visiting with family on birthdays, etc. (typically just a day trip, not even overnights), as he had refused to join me because he didn't want to be bothered.  It saddens me that he does this, that I can't count on him to be supportive in normal familial and social situations.  But by the same token, I don't engage anymore when he throws his fits, because it just makes them worse.  Remember JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain)?  He can't listen to logic (e.g. I'm grieving the loss of my dad with my family today, it would be nice if you'd be supportive), because when he's upset, he is compelled to show it.  There's nothing I can do to stop him, short of being a slave/prisoner in my home.  But I refuse to be a slave/prisoner.  I'm a good person and don't deserve to be locked up and completely isolated from the world.  I guess I'm just resigned to being "punished" for daring to talk to anyone else.  You see, even if I did stay locked up at home, he'd scream at me for talking on the phone, typing emails or looking at text messages.  He just hates it whenever I engage with anyone else besides him.  Yet he's free to come and go as he pleases, and to talk with anyone he pleases, because that's normal, right?  In fact, for years he typically spent two or three evenings out PER WEEK, missing the usual dinner time and arriving home at 9:30 PM, at which time I'd have dinner waiting for him.  He doesn't see the unfairness of it.  Because it's not logical, it's about his insecurities.  So my solution is, just let him have his tantrums, and go about living life anyway.  If friends or family ask why he's acting the way he is, I'll just say that he's under a lot of stress right now, he's having a rough time.

When he's not being a pill, he's actually pretty fun, and maybe this is what's happening with your husband right now.

[Notwendy]

This book isn't about BPD but it is insightful to the thinking process of controlling people. The author has also written books on verbal abuse- not specific to BPD but helpful.

Controlling People: How to Recognize, Understand, and Deal with People Who Try to Control You Paperback – February 1, 2003
by Patricia Evans (Author)

I think behind the control for whatever reason is anxiety and fear. It may not make sense but the fear isn't rational. For instance, you may not have ever cheated or intend to, so they can't actually say they fear this, but if you don't go out, you won't cheat, so they make it about that or that there wasn't dinner or you were home late.  Since the fear isn't rational, saying things like where you are at, when you are home, cooking dinner- doesn't change the behavior.

Still, I think it's important to tell a spouse where you are and the expected time to be back out of consideration and also for your own safety, if they needed to contact you or get to you,  even if it doesn't change the behavior.

If you stay home, restrict your life and friends- then this reinforces that their tantruming behavior works to decrease their anxiety and fear. If you go out, they have to learn to deal with it themselves if they can. Also doing things within reason- going out with the girls, not partying at a club all night - not something you'd do anyway. This way, any accusations are not true- and you can hold on to that if there's drama, rather than to JADE.

This is complicated if there are small children at home to care for and you don't want to leave them with an angry adult at home but this isn't the situation for you so it's good that you aren't restricting yourself because of your H's own unfounded fears.

[ForeverDad]

He just passed a landmark birthday a couple of weeks ago.  Perhaps it  has had some impact. He keeps saying it was monumental for him.

Birthdays, weddings, funerals, vacations - the list can include almost anything - can all be triggers for Borderline stresses.  Certainly not an excuse, but this may, in part, explain why he's behaved the way he did before and after.

I recall my ex would freak out when we were packing the car for vacations.  In her perception I was taking too long to pack the car.  I didn't see it as a big problem but she did.

Among other examples, I recall one time I brought home carnations for an anniversary.  I didn't see it as triggering since the roses on display were old and looked about to wilt.  But she let me know she was expecting only roses!  Another time she was upset with me about {whatever} so she took the roses I brought her, cut the flowers off and dumped it all in the kitchen trash.

[JazzSinger]

Though I feel I don't deserve such treatment, I decided long ago that I wasn't going to let his tantrums isolate me from all my friends and family.  

Hi CC43,

First off, of  course I remember your prior responses to my posts.  I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with those tantrums.  I feel for you. 

I too have not curtailed my social life for my H.  Because if I did, I wouldn’t have a life at all. My friends and I are elderly, and getting out to enjoy lunch and good conversation is a bright spot in each of our days.  On occasion, we may go to see a play or a movie as well.  I try to meet with 3 or 4 of them, separately, every month.  It gets me out of the house.  More importantly, I am “heard,” and there is only joy, no pain, when we’re together.  We talk about everything under the sun, and I’m never punished for speaking my mind. 

Recently, my H seems to be in some sort of remission. He’s not criticizing, nor does he appear to be his mean, anxious, tightly wired self.  Still, I continue to make dates with my friends.  It’s important to have my own life, separate and apart from him. 

He does have a problem if I spend the night somewhere, so I’m tread very carefully here.  I feel I desperately need at least a 3-day girl trip, or 3 days to myself, without him.  I deserve it, and there’s nothing wrong with it.  So I’m working on that.  I think it’s important. 

When he's not being a pill, he's actually pretty fun, and maybe this is what's happening with your husband right now.

Right now, my H  is wonderful, but I don’t know how long this will last. Today is DAY 11 of peace at home.

Still, I’m working on leaving.  I can’t hang my hat on eleven days of peace.  Normally, he’s a beast, everyday, without fail. And I think that beast will likely return.  I just don’t know when.

Thanks so much for sharing.  I think you’re doing quite well, under the circumstances. 

JazzSinger

[JazzSinger]

Birthdays, weddings, funerals, vacations - the list can include almost anything - can all be triggers for Borderline stresses.  Certainly not an excuse, but this may, in part, explain why he's behaved the way he did before and after.

Hi ForeverDad,

Exactly one week after his birthday, my H made this huge shift.  I can’t help but think it had something to do with this birthday— It’s a big one.  More than ever before, he’s  acknowledging that he is elderly. He has said he feels “different.” 

For some reason, on the day of his birthday, he was quite critical of the decorations, the food, etc., all of which was provided by me.  He asked me to take pictures, but he kept criticizing each one.  I could barely hold the camera without shaking.  It was really rough. 

Yet, days after, he was a different man.  It’s already DAY 11 of  “Mr. Nice Guy.” I like it, but I’m just a little shaky around him, because I don’t trust it.  Also, it’s like being with a different man.

I do think his birthday was the catalyst. 

Guess I better enjoy it while it lasts.

Thanks, ForeverDad.

JazzSinger

[JazzSinger]

This book isn't about BPD but it is insightful to the thinking process of controlling people. The author has also written books on verbal abuse- not specific to BPD but helpful.

Controlling People: How to Recognize, Understand, and Deal with People Who Try to Control You Paperback – February 1, 2003
by Patricia Evans (Author)

Hi NotWendy,

I bought this book a year ago.  Thanks for recommending it.  I think it’s time for a reread.  I’ll probably get even more out of it this time.

I think behind the control for whatever reason is anxiety and fear. It may not make sense but the fear isn't rational.

Even though I am elderly, at times, when I’ve left the house for a zoom therapy session (in a food hall near home), he started thinking I was going for coffee with a man.  It was because I was  leaving the house at the same time, on the same day of the week, for more than a month or so. I was telling him that I had to run an errand, and I’d always return with a small purchase in hand, but he was still suspicious.  Now, I have to switch my therapy appointments around, so that there is no pattern.  So yes, he fears abandonment. But it’s not rational.
——-
SIDEBAR— I can’t tell him I’m in therapy. He’s told me many times that only “crazy people” need therapy. He has no respect for it, and he has refused couples therapy too. Of course, no way would he ever seek therapy for himself — He’s “fine.”
——-
Ironically, right now, I’m working in leaving. It’s a very slow process, and I hope I can pull it off.  Still, I’m doing research on divorce lawyers in our area, etc. I think he might be picking up on that too. So his fear of abandonment might be heightened, even though he doesn’t really know what I’m doing or thinking. 

I also think he feels intellectually inferior, and he fears others will see me as being smarter than he is.. Why else would he need to call me stupid, over and over, for years? He’ll also say to me,

“I’m trying to have an intelligent conversation with you.”

Then he’ll declare that I’m stupid, and I am incapable of “higher thinking.”  I believe he feels very small in that department. I also believe he thinks I’m a great conversationalist, and he envies me. Meanwhile, he’s a very smart man.

 He’s also afraid that I’ll shine in a conversation with others.  This happened once when family members came in from out of town.  They loved talking with me. We had a great time.  Unfortunately, my H couldn’t really connect much, because he’d always bring in a dark and negative point, so no one was interested in listening to him longer than two seconds..  After our guests left, he punished me verbally, for being so engaging.  He said I wouldn’t let him get a word in edgewise. 

Indeed, a lot of what he does is fear driven.

Thanks so much, NotWendy.

Jazz

[Pinkcamellias]

Hi Jazz,

I’ve had long stretches of my H being normal. The longest was a month. It actually made me optimistic and hopeful for our future . I would  let down my guard and boundaries and then he would turn on me. It was like the happier and more relaxed I became the more irritated he became .Now when he goes days (it hasn’t been months in a while) of acting normalI think of it as time to triage my wounds.

[JazzSinger]

Hi Jazz,

I’ve had long stretches of my H being normal. The longest was a month. It actually made me optimistic and hopeful for our future . I would  let down my guard and boundaries and then he would turn on me. It was like the happier and more relaxed I became the more irritated he became .Now when he goes days (it hasn’t been months in a while) of acting normalI think of it as time to triage my wounds.

Hi Pinkcamell,

Thank you for sharing. I’m glad you too have experienced stretches of normalcy. 

This is a time of healing as well as relaxation for me too. So far, he seems to be pleased with seeing me so relaxed.  It almost feels like he’s enjoying the calm as well, even though he was the one who was always stirring the pot. 

It’s weird.  It has been at least two years since I’ve seen any normalcy from my H, except when we’re in public, or we’re enjoying music together.  I hope this  lasts. It’s is only DAY 11. Sadly, I have no hopes of this lasting beyond today.  I’m taking it one day at a time, and I’m still quite guarded.  I’ll see how it goes.  I feel like I’ll be very different — stronger — when he goes back to being unbearable. 

Thanks again for sharing.

Jazz