Daughter hurtful towards me

[robin3zzz]

31 yo daughter. Diagnosed at 13 but did not accept it. We have had a pretty tumultuous relationship her whole life. Suddenly embraces bpd.  Almost uses it like it's a trophy won and now it's a weapon. She is mean and hurtful and I have dedicated my entire life to her and her family for 13 years.  Now I need to change the focus of MY therapy. She's not currently in therapy .  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[In4thewin]

I'm in a bit of an off mood over an episode with my dwBPD, so factor that into my response. If your daughter is embracing the BPD diagnosis but isn't in therapy, then detach yourself and protect yourself. She's a fully grown woman and with a known BPD diagnosis, so she really has no excuse for not seeking treatment and embracing that. The information is out there about the illness. My daughter has a BPD diagnosis but she's quite a bit younger than yours and isn't accepting of the diagnosis, choosing instead to continue to claim that she has no anger issues except for with me. That's quantifiably untrue although I do the the brunt of it, and aside from the raging the illness presents itself in other ways aside from anger management. I'm having to pull back from her for my own wellbeing, and hopefully in doing so she'll finally start making DBT and med management the priority it should be.

[CC43]

Hi there,

Let me guess, your daughter "embraces" BPD by using it as an excuse for her bad behavior, correct?  I bet she's intelligent, and she's adept at twisting everything around, even a medical diagnosis, so that she feels justified in acting out and treating you like dirt.  Her rationale is, she's not responsible because of BPD, right?

If your daughter is anything like my BPD stepdaughter, she might attempt to weaponize therapy.  Does she bandy about terms like "boundaries," "narcissist" and "triggers," in order to manipulate, shame or guilt you, rather than to promote well-being?  Well, I think that she's listening in therapy, but she's not really interested in making any changes for the better.  She's steadfast in her belief that she's the victim--both of your abuse, and of a BPD diagnosis.  THAT has become her identity.  To her thinking, she's never responsible, but she doesn't realize, that's why she's miserable!  Because being an adult basically means that you accept responsibility for yourself.  If you abdicate responsibility, then you feel powerless, hopeless, rudderless, useless, inferior, empty.  Since her outlook is so negative, she's constantly feeling victimized and disappointed, and simmering underneath.  One tiny trigger, her blood boils, and she unleashes her frustration in a rage, probably directed at you, because you're all she's got left.  Does that sound about right?

I guess my advice is, don't take her behavior personally.  You didn't cause her to have BPD, and you certainly aren't responsible for all the terrible things she's accusing you of.  Her thinking is all mixed up, but she is your daughter, and she knows exactly how to manipulate you, so that you're making decisions in a FOG--out of Fear, Obligation and Guilt.  But maybe if you understand that her behavior is typical of BPD, you'll get out of the FOG.  My other advice is, if she throws a tantrum, let her have an "adult time out," meaning time and space to cool off.  Don't JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain), just extricate yourself from the situation.  If you can't extricate yourself, pretend you are a gray rock, by being still and boring, so as not to add any emotional energy to the scene.  Try not to interrupt her time out, either.  Don't beg her to resume communication, and don't apologize.  Let her be the one who contacts you.  And while she's having a time out, you can enjoy a little peace and live your life.  In fact, I think you should model for your daughter what a healthy adult's life looks like, and that includes taking care of YOU and enjoying yourself.  Fair enough?

I personally think that BPD is treatable.  We all have our issues, mental and/or physical; it's normal to seek treatment for what ails us.  The adult thing to do would be for your daughter to say:  My emotional dysregulation is preventing me from living my best life right now, but I could get some professional help and learn proven techniques to help me cope with my intense emotions better and minimize the impulsive outbursts and decisions that have plagued me.  She could think of it as mental toughness or life skills training, which would improve her life and relationships.  We probably could all benefit from skills like that.  If only she would frame therapy with the right mindset, she could probably turn things around.

[In4thewin]

Once again, CC43 hits the nail on the head. I also believe that BPD is treatable, and that belief is based on a lot of research. Yes, a pwBPD is dealing with a lot of pain, but how that pain presents is a choice that can be controlled, and there are domino consequences with making the initial choice. I feel that my daughter has gotten into a very bad habit of dealing with her emotions in maladaptive ways because repeating them is just easier than changing them. One thing I have come to fully believe about BPD though, is that those who truly have it generally struggle with deep feelings of shame. It's what they feel (rather than guilt) when their emotions get the better of them, and it drives their emotional outbursts as well. It's like a vicious cycle. I really wish I could find more information on how the shame aspect of BPD is most successfully treated.

[CC43]

I really wish I could find more information on how the shame aspect of BPD is most successfully treated.

Hi there,

Indeed, the feelings of shame seem to dominate a pwBPD's self-talk.  That's because her overall outlook is negative.  If she's hard on you, she's equally hard on herself.  If she says she hates you for no good reason, it's likely that she's projecting her own self-hatred.  If she says you should die, I think she's really thinking that she's worthless and that she's contemplating suicide.

I think that DBT is supposed to help a person turn negative thinking patterns into neutral or more positive ones.  I haven't participated in DBT training, so I'm no expert.  But I imagine that teaching mindfulness might help:  learning to identify emotions, contextualize them, understand that they are temporary and/or sit with the feelings before reacting to them.  Then there's general self-control--avoiding impulsive reactions that might feel good in the moment but have adverse consequences.  She could take a time out to calm down, and then think more logically about what's ailing her.  She should do some fact-checking:  Is the situation only temporary?  Is it anything she can control in the first place?  Are her expectations realistic?  Is she reading too much into other people's intentions?  Are her assumptions wrong?  Maybe someone was just busy, or having a bad day?  Is she taking things too personally?  Is her thinking too black-and-white?  Can she accept that there's a gray, middle ground?  Maybe she just has to accept that things didn't go how she wanted in the moment, but that won't always the case, and it's not the end of the world?  Can she just take an event at face value, and not internalize it?  Can she think of a solution to her problem (one that doesn't involve blaming/lashing out at someone else)?  I imagine that with better self-control, less impulsiveness, more mindfulness and more positive self-talk, she might be able to avoid going down a shame spiral.

My other thought is that the best antidote to shame is getting a life!  If your daughter is lying in a bedroom, hating you full-time, she's not doing anything productive.  I think that when she does nothing, she eventually FEELS like nothing, and she's saddled with shame.  The antidote to that is getting a LIFE.  I think it starts with self-care:  focus on good sleep/eating/hygiene/exercise/medication habits first, plus therapy.  When she has mastered that, I think she needs to be gainfully employed, at least part-time, whether it be in studies, volunteering or working.  And when she shows she can handle that, she might add to her successes by developing friendships with peers again.  But I think it's hard to handle peers when she feels so inferior because she has no life.  Once she has a life, she might have some real friends again.  And my thinking is, romance should come last, not first.  Because without a life, she doesn't have a sense of identity (other than being a victim), and if she doesn't know who she is, how can she love herself, and if she doesn't love herself, how could a romantic partner love her back, unless it's to use her?

Just my two cents.