I called her out, then I got dumped. A BPD Tale

[NamelessMan]

I'm going to tell a small tale. I hope it resonates with you:

After walking on eggshells for too much time, I was losing myself. Whenever we had a conversation I ended up thinking "did I say something that could trigger another episode in the coming days?" I couldn't focus, I didn't sleep well, I lived with anxiety most of the time. My boundaries were sabotaged on a daily basis. I wasn't seen for who I was, nor heard. It was never about the both of us, but only her. Whenever I expressed my needs and wants, I was blamed for being selfish and abusive, for not listening. I was accused and blamed for things I never said nor did. One day, she wanted to break up with me again. It was the second time in six months. I defended myself during and argument that she made up and she wasn't feeling it the same ever since. "I never thought you could be like that! You threatened me" I was painted black. I was like all of her abusive ex's. I couldn't stand more abuse. Being accused for threatening someone is too much, when it wasn't true at all. So I spoke up. I gently told her that her bahaviour wasn't okay, that it wasn't normal and she needed therapy. That I wasn't the one to always blame for her emotional state. That it wasn't my responsibility and she had to work on herself instead of me being her punching bag. She started to cry like a child, acted defensive and started to say things that I didn´t say, like me having called her a bad person. "Do you really think that about me?" she screamed in agony. This time, she claimed that I disrespected her and she no longer felt comfortable around me. That she didn't feel heard nor seen, nor understood. She left. I feel terrible about myself for speaking up and trying to find a solution,  I was left feeling guilty. I gave everything I had, I lost myself in the process, but I was the villain, the bad guy. I'm still trying to make sense of what happened. Does it have any sense?

The end.

[PeteWitsend]

I'm going to tell a small tale. I hope it resonates with you:

After walking on eggshells for too much time, I was losing myself. Whenever we had a conversation I ended up thinking "did I say something that could trigger another episode in the coming days?" I couldn't focus, I didn't sleep well, I lived with anxiety most of the time. My boundaries were sabotaged on a daily basis. I wasn't seen for who I was, nor heard. It was never about the both of us, but only her. Whenever I expressed my needs and wants, I was blamed for being selfish and abusive, for not listening. I was accused and blamed for things I never said nor did. One day, she wanted to break up with me again. It was the second time in six months. I defended myself during and argument that she made up and she wasn't feeling it the same ever since. "I never thought you could be like that! You threatened me" I was painted black. I was like all of her abusive ex's. I couldn't stand more abuse. Being accused for threatening someone is too much, when it wasn't true at all. So I spoke up. I gently told her that her bahaviour wasn't okay, that it wasn't normal and she needed therapy. That I wasn't the one to always blame for her emotional state. That it wasn't my responsibility and she had to work on herself instead of me being her punching bag. She started to cry like a child, acted defensive and started to say things that I didn´t say, like me having called her a bad person. "Do you really think that about me?" she screamed in agony. This time, she claimed that I disrespected her and she no longer felt comfortable around me. That she didn't feel heard nor seen, nor understood. She left. I feel terrible about myself for speaking up and trying to find a solution,  I was left feeling guilty. I gave everything I had, I lost myself in the process, but I was the villain, the bad guy. I'm still trying to make sense of what happened. Does it have any sense?

The end.

Sorry you went through all that, but consider yourself fortunate that you were able to recognize this behavior for what it was, stand up for yourself, and not give in to her attempts to further manipulate you emotionally into taking responsibility for causing her own problems.

You didn't say or do anything wrong.  And while it might sound callous and be unfair to her to say she was "faking it," that sort of extreme emotional response from her isn't completely genuine and serves a purpose, namely to distract accountability for her own behavior and shift blame on to you.  And if it makes you feel better, I'd wager you're not the first person she's done this to. 

There are two quotes I read once from the writer and poet James Baldwin, that seem apt here: “People can cry much easier than they can change.” 

And in Notes of a Native Son, he said: "Sentimentality, the ostentatious parading of excessive and spurious emotion, is the mark of dishonesty, the inability to feel; the wet eyes of the sentimentalist betray his aversion to experience, his fear of life, his arid heart; and it is always, therefore, the signal of secret and violent inhumanity, the mask of cruelty." 

Ouch. 

I'm divorced, and I read those quotes years after I left.  I often wished I could've shown them to her when she'd start sobbing about something absurd, and I wonder what her reaction would be? 

[Under The Bridge]

I'm going to tell a small tale. I hope it resonates with you:

Hi. Not only does your story resonate, it's 100% what I also experienced. The exact same script that all of us have had.

The mental toll it takes of you is truly frightening and very, very wearing. We're used to dealing with life in a logical manner - ie if we've done something wrong then we correctly get called out for it - but when our BPD partner invents things we didn't do or say, or turns their own bad acts upon us and makes us the villain every time, then it's hard to deal with.

You're doing nothing wrong - even though your partner will try to make out that you're the cause of everything so stay strong. If you have any thoughts of getting back with her then be advised that, without proper treatment, she won't change. What you've had is what you'll continue to get as the BPD cycle repeats.

In the end, it all comes down to how much you're prepared to endure - and only you know that. I had four years of it and looking back, I wish I hadn't chased after her when she had that very first episode. The fact I'd never heard of BPD and just put it down to moodiness kept me chasing her, thinking I culd make her see how good and genuine I was. She never did see it though - just the same 'love you / hate you' script repeating and after her last - and far worst - episode I didn't chase her.

Best wishes