Self expression as I heal from uBPD mom

[peachpie]

Howdy everyone,

I'm not sure exactly how to articulate this question, but I've been feeling lately like I want to be known and loved.

Back in the day, growing up around a uBPD mom (and possibly other family members), I felt a natural need to be known for who I really am and loved. But to protect myself from their unstable behaviors, from rages, from physical abuse, I hid my real self away to keep it safe. I ended up never bringing anything of the true me out into the world. I feel like many of you would know exactly what I'm talking about.

Well, I've been NC for years now, but more relevantly my nervous system is starting to catch on that I'm safe. I'm actually safe now, I can come out. And I don't need to ask for love from those same people, but I can seek to belong and be loved by others.

But how??

I'm not talking about being genuine with other people, like maintaining genuine relationships, or talking about my feelings and being emotionally open (I see a therapist and confide in my friends and spouse for these things.) But I have this sort of vague feeling of wanting to say what happened to me. Wanting to describe what I've been through, tell my story. Wanting others to know me, and not treat me like garbage.

I'm very very shy, so something like a video blog or social media posts is not a comfortable fit for me. (I'd also feel uncomfortable talking about my experiences and mental health on platforms that try to monetize those things.) But so far attempts with expressive arts (painting, pottery, dance) sort of have me stuck because I've literally never practiced bringing something from inside of me out into the world before.

How do you express yourself?

[Methuen]

I write stories.

My stories are about episodes involving my mom.

Mostly they are sad.  But I enjoy writing (and reading), and so I write these stories and keep them tucked away on my laptop. 

I have the option of sharing a story or two with a chosen person if I want to, but that isn't the point.  For me, the point is to "get it out", similar to what you have described. 

I have only shared one of these stories with 1 person - a cousin who's mother had the same traits as mine.  He couldn't believe it when he read the story (said it hit way too close to home).  He's spent his life in the clergy.

It helps me to record these things, because it removes it from inside of me to an exterior source.  It's freeing.  Even if no one else ever reads the stories.  Somehow it's cathartic - because I have taken the opportunity to voice myself, and document my truth.

 

[peachpie]

Yeah that's exactly what I mean, simply "getting it out." I like the idea of writing not necessarily for anyone else, simply to bring what's inside of me out. Thanks, Methuen!