Am I being Selfish?

[athena wanderer]

My question today is this:  At what point am I being selfish in wanting to maintain my relationship with my pwBPD and not respecting their wishes versus being a consistent attentive partner who is riding the "I love you, I hate you" wave?  I am beginning to believe / be concerned that I have moved to a space where I'm working hard for my partner to avoid the loss on my end, not because that is what they really want.

My partner and I have been through several difficult break-ups.  The most recent came after what felt like 6 months of bliss.  If I am honest with myself, we were unable and continue to be unable to resolve his major concerns regarding my place of residence.  He wants me to live with him full-time, be married and not work.  Because I have a daughter that lives in another town who has an active father, I cannot move until she is 18 which is 4 years away.  At one point in time my pwBPD and I looked for a place together, however his property has not sold now in over 2 years completely eliminating this possibility for the time being.  I would have to buy our new place all on my own. With this limitation I have been traveling back and forth every other week to live with him as much as I can.  Sadly I always feel some disconnection at the end of the week (which I've assumed is an object constancy issue . . .. maybe its just a human issue and I'm the outlier in being able to tolerate it).

My question came to a head last night as my partner has been all over the place with his reach outs and desire for a connection. We have been planning a 1-2 week vacation over the last week, and late last night / early in the morning he messages and asked me if we are going to have fun on our trip, then shares he's having some "hard thoughts" after which he says he doesn't think he wants to go, he hates me, and doesn't want to spend a dime on me.  I confirm that he has taken a gummy and said we will talk tomorrow when he's not gummied up.  He say's "ok" but later messages: "I'm gonna pass" meaning he's not going to go on the trip.

So today I'm wondering if I've been overwhelming his desire to truly move on and if I should simply say: "I don't think I've done a good job of accepting your expressed desire to move on in light of the fact that I cannot move in with you immediately and end our weekly separation.  You've expressed resentment that you're unsure you can get over. You're right, we shouldn't be together.  I was really looking forward to spending time together enjoying this trip but understand that in not accepting the many times we've broken up, I am just prolonging our pain. I love you and wish you all the best"

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Pook075]

Interesting question- and the answer is probably more complicated than we give it credit for.

Bottom line, he wants to live together.  You can't move as a co-parent.  His house hasn't sold.  All three of those things are somewhat outside your control.

For his house- is it priced correctly?  Has he made any updates that would help it sell?  That's all ultimately on him and if there's things that need to be done (landscaping, renovating kitchen/bathrooms, whatever) then you should encourage it.

For your co-parent aspect, there's no negotiating there in my opinion...the kid comes first since they need a normal relationship with mom and dad.  Your partner has to understand and accept that.

Now for your actual question, are you being selfish?  Well, no.  There's three things outside your control that he wants to change.  Yet the only person who can change any of those variables is him.  Tell him to get a new real estate agent with suggestions on how to sell, then actually follow that advice.  That's in his control, not yours.

Should you send him the letter?  That's a "you-thing" and honestly, it doesn't have anything to do with these three challenges.  Either he's the right guy or he's not.  Only you can answer that.

[hiiumaa]

Hi athena wanderer,

with my partner with bpd I have been in a similar situation. When we first met, he lived in the next village. A few month later he moved about 50km away in a big city.

He knew from the beginning that I had ( at that time ) 10year old child.

I was the one who travelled the 50km two times a week to meet him. At the weekends I stayed over at his place and it was always painful for both of us when I had to leave in the morning.

After a while he also came up with moving together, marriage and having a child. But for me it was impossible. I knew that I wouldn‘t survive his acting outs without a save place for my 10year old and me.
I was honest about that with him. I told him, that I would love it, it he would move closer to my place, so that we live in the same city but not in the same house.

He made a big problem about that and kept telling me, that I would be the one who doesn’t want to commit, without seeing the responsibiltyI have for my child and without reflecting, that it was his bpd-behavior that made it impossible for me to be with him without a save place ( and I didn’t want my child so close to him and his act outs ).

In the end he moved back here. Five minutes with the car. Perfect for both of us.

And maybe it would have been THE soliution, if he wouldn‘t have triangulated with my best friend as soon as he was so close to my place.

Maybe this could be an option for you both, to live in the same city, but keep an own flat for you and your child. You can see him more often and more spontanous, but keep your place…

[Notwendy]

My question today is this:  At what point am I being selfish in wanting to maintain my relationship with my pwBPD and not respecting their wishes versus being a consistent attentive partner who is riding the "I love you, I hate you" wave?  I am beginning to believe / be concerned that I have moved to a space where I'm working hard for my partner to avoid the loss on my end, not because that is what they really want.

This is an insightful question. I think a clearer term is "self serving" as I think selfish has somewhat negative connotation. Having done 12 step work, we look at boundaries- which feelings are on our side of the fence- which are another person's. We can not control someone else's feelings but sometimes we manage them in order to avoid their reaction. That is self serving as it's our feelings we are trying to spare.

The other boundary is choice- each of you can choose the relationship or not. Even if you are thinking you are keeping your partner from choosing- he still can choose. So, if you decide to do the "break up work" for him, assuming it's what he wants- then you are stepping over the boundary. If he wants to end the relationship - that's his work to take action on.

Pook also brought up an important point. It's his task to sell his house. If he was motivated to sell it- he could do things to make the sale happen- lower the cost, change realtors, accept a lower offer. He hasn't done that and it isn't your task to do this for him. I think it's also an important observation.

He may say you are the one not commiting, or say he doesn't want the relationship but it's up to him to take action on his feelings if he means them.

[hiiumaa]

Notwendy, your words are to the point! Thank you for making it so clear.

[Notwendy]

Thank you. 12 step CODA ( and ACA in my situation) helped me to keep clear on boundaries. I think it's helpful, even if the pwBPD doesn't have alcohol addictions.