Married to Bpd husband

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hello,

I’m reaching out because I’m in a very difficult marriage with someone who I believe has Borderline Personality Disorder. He hasn’t been formally diagnosed, but his behaviour matches so much of what I’ve read: sudden outbursts, verbal abuse, paranoia, cycles of pushing me away then begging me back, and constant accusations that aren’t true.

I’ve tried to support him, but I’m realising how much it’s affected me — my confidence, my humour, my peace of mind. He is the only person who has ever made me cry or feel genuinely afraid.

I know I can’t change him, but I also know I need help to take care of myself. I’m hoping your group might give me some guidance, connection, or just a place where I can talk to others who understand what this is like.

Thank you for any support or resources you can offer.

Best wishes,

[Reaper]

Hello,

I’m reaching out because I’m in a very difficult marriage with someone who I believe has Borderline Personality Disorder. He hasn’t been formally diagnosed, but his behaviour matches so much of what I’ve read: sudden outbursts, verbal abuse, paranoia, cycles of pushing me away then begging me back, and constant accusations that aren’t true.

I’ve tried to support him, but I’m realising how much it’s affected me — my confidence, my humour, my peace of mind. He is the only person who has ever made me cry or feel genuinely afraid.

I know I can’t change him, but I also know I need help to take care of myself. I’m hoping your group might give me some guidance, connection, or just a place where I can talk to others who understand what this is like.

Thank you for any support or resources you can offer.

Best wishes,

[CC43]

Hi Reaper,

If your husband has BPD and resists treatment, it's likely his behaviors will follow a predictable pattern.  If you take a look at some posts, I bet a number of themes will resonate:

-Victim attitude; not taking responsibility for his own choices; blame-deflection and constant blaming of others
-Very short fuse; intolerance of stress; hair-trigger arguments; over-the-top emotional responses, especially rage and yelling, maybe violence
-Delusional thinking; possible paranoia; twisting of fact patterns or lying to fit a narrative of victimhood
-Inability to "get past the past;" dredging up past issues, no matter how many times you apologize or attempt to explain or contextualize
-Can't stand not being the center of attention; very jealous of you/your life/your very identity
-Fear of abandonment, no matter how much you reassure him
-Pattern of unstable relationships in his life:  estranged from family members, history of volatile romantic relationships, issues with bosses or co-workers, getting evicted or kicked out of rooming situations are possible scenarios
-Experiences life like he's traumatized all the time; fight-or-flight responses to ordinary situations; he mentions multiple situations where he believes he was abused
-Pervasive negativity (e.g. hating most everyone and everything practically all the time); feeling hopeless
-Weak sense of identity; low self-esteem
-Potential suicidal threats, gestures and attempts; they could seem both manipulative and very real, and you're not sure
-Lashing out at you; he has you walking on eggshells to avoid a meltdown, but no matter what you do, he has one anyway; behaviors that feel controlling and manipulative
-Constant accusations that are false or highly twisted/irrational (which are typically projections of his own negative feelings)
-Meltdowns at holidays, celebrations and/or funerals; he can't bear to see someone else be happy or steal attention away from him
-Emotional instability that disrupts important relationships in his life, and possibly impairs his ability to plan for the future and/or function day to day, for example keeping stable employment
-Potential co-existing conditions like self-medication with illicit substances, anxiety or depression
-Very impulsive behavior, such as walking out on a job on the spot over a seemingly minor incident

Sound familiar?  That's untreated BPD I'm afraid.  My advice is not to blame yourself, and to take care of yourself first.  Look, he'll probably yell at you no matter what you do, so you might as well live your life.  If he's abusive towards you, you need to protect yourself with boundaries.  You don't need to explain yourself, just do it.  Quietly leave the room, hang up the phone or leave the house if you have to.  If you care to share more details and scenarios, I'm sure other readers will try to advise about what works best for them.  At least then you won't feel alone.

All my best to you.  Take care of yourself.