100 days NC and it’s getting harder

[mevz]

It’s funny how for the last 3 months it seemed like I was growing stronger and learning so much about BPD and my own codependency. I’ve had 20 sessions in the last 3 months with my therapist, filled an entire journal with the good and bad moments and even found myself having some moments of peace and few times when I felt happy.

Then this weekend it all spiraled. I don’t know what to do. It’s like the last 3 months never happened, all the work I did on myself is nonexistent and all I feel is miserable suddenly and missing him so much and feeling incredulous that we even broke up. It feels like yesterday not over a 100 days ago!

I guess it started with our mutual friends meeting up and inviting both of us to a gathering. The last time this happened, he immediately RSVP-d not even giving me a chance to and he went to the party. This weekend, he already had plans and when my friend tried to ensure he wasn’t coming, he “graciously” told her that if I wanted to come he wouldn’t.

This set off a lot of feelings:

First, hanging out with our friends used to be my right, now it feels like a privilege.

Our mutual friend S, who is trying to help us, thought he was being so sweet by letting me go to this one. Yet to me it feels like he’s still controlling my life by “allowing” me to attend this one. I wanted to go to the last party but he never even gave me a chance. And this time, because he was busy, I was able to go. So do I still not have my free will?

As with all people who don’t get BPD, when I told S all these things, and how I feel he is controlling my life still and I feel like a replaceable second, she said that I am making a choice not to attend. She doesn’t understand that NC is not a choice, it is not an option.

Last and this is the weird part: I went out with my friends and had a great time. For the first time I could meet S before the rest got there (I couldn’t meet her without him before because she was our mutual friend so I wasn’t allowed to meet her early). I ordered the shrimp which I love and was not forced to eat chicken coz that’s all he liked to order. I sat next to another guy friend without feeling guilty. And I didn’t have to co-ordinate my coming and going with his timings. So you would think I’d be so happy and at peace.

I had a great time with my friends.

But I can’t tell you how awful I felt the rest of the weekend. Like a big chunk of the evening was missing. I kept thinking how lucky these friends are who can meet him whenever they want and I can’t.

And then all the “how can he” feelings came back the rest of the weekend and I feel like I can’t breathe again.

He was the love of my life, how did he move on?
Three weeks into NC he had a replacement. How could he do that?
He was dying to marry me? How did that change?

I think the fact that Valentine’s Day is coming up is really triggering so many things. I told my therapist how amazing last year was. It was the perfect day, he made it so special. Yet I also remember the day before we had a huge fight, the day after we did too. Make up, break up, make up, break up!

My entire time with him was drama, drama, drama and I was a major factor in it as well… my codependency made me almost as dramatic as he was. The most ironic part is, S was once sitting with him and heard me yelling on the phone at him like a crazy person. He had talked about eloping, something I knew he was saying in his desperation and fear of abandonment. I knew the minute I agreed, he would change his mind and I had enough. So I went off and yelled at the top of my lungs. And she heard me. So she has heard me being the crazy person and him being practically the victim. My therapist laughs when I tell her this because it couldn’t be more ironic, considering how much and how violently I had been yelled at in the past 17 months.

I have to sit and consciously remember all the bad times, which are so so many, to keep from breaking down. I don't want him back. But I want peace. I want to feel there's someone out there. I want the feeling of companionship I had with him. Knowing that there was someone in my corner, whose day began and ended with me.

God, this guy treated me so well in the beginning and I held on to that for so long, but by the end I was a mess. How much I had to deal with, how much I had to bear... .and I still miss him. I feel like I'm practically an expert on BPD now, yet I can't wrap my head around the fact that knowing everything, knowing his disorder, I miss him so so much!

[Larmoyant]

.He was the love of my life, how did he move on?
Three weeks into NC he had a replacement. How could he do that?
He was dying to marry me? How did that change?

.

Hi mevz, I’ll admit to crying when I read this, for you, for me and for all the heartbroken souls on here. Recovering from the roller coaster ride, the on again, off again, isn’t linear and I’ve experienced similar set-backs. All your hard work hasn’t been in vain though as more and more you’ll find yourself recovering faster and those moments of peace will become more frequent. That doesn’t help you much now I realise and it’s hard to find comforting words. All I can offer is a hug. It will get better mevz. 

[earlyL]

Hi Mevz,

I cried too when I read this, I can relate to it so much. I am only on 61 days and sadly we work together so not NC.

It sounds like you have done so well, and I too think that will have paid off, just today it doesn't feel like it. I hate the waves of missing her, and remembering the good times, in those moments I feel like I haven't moved forward at all, it truly is an addiction. I wish I could say something that could snap you out of this, but it just doesn't work that way, but you are doing the right thing, posting here, letting the emotions out, I try to think if I am letting the emotions out now then at least I am not bottling up them for later. I try to think that with my ex they will come out at some point - but I hope I am far away by then.

The controlling bit I really get - it feels like the whole relationship was like that, so why does that have to continue when they are off happy elsewhere when we are no longer part of their lives. I was supposed to meet a mutual friend today but decided to cancel, I am just not ready to be with someone who I would spend the whole time wondering what conversations they had, how they have spent time together. it just feels too damaging to me. It is so hard trying to talk to people who don't know about the disorder.

Are you sleeping and eating? I have found my appetite is slowly coming back and although a tiny thing I keep thinking that has to be a good sign. That my body and mind are moving forward, I just need my heart to catch up.

Hang in there, we are rooting for you.

LW

[mevz]

Larmoyant,
Thanks for the hug. I really needed it

Louise,
I can’t begin to tell you how your post resonates. It’s exactly what happened. It was meeting our mutual friends that set me off. I had such a good time and I love hanging out with them, but like I posted before: “I kept thinking how lucky these friends are who can meet him whenever they want and I can’t.” They aren’t really but it just feels like that to me.

My BPDexbf and I used to joke that if anyone wanted to know what either of us was doing at literally any point, day or night, they just had to ask the other. We were connected 24/7 and now not knowing what he’s doing and knowing they do is what’s getting to me. And I’m sure if I just ask I will know too, but I told my friend S not to tell me anymore about him than I need to know to maintain NC and prevent being enmeshed.

But that also makes it hard hanging out with S and the rest, but I don’t want to give them up. So here I am… dangling in the middle.

[lovenature]

He was the love of my life, how did he move on?
Three weeks into NC he had a replacement. How could he do that?
He was dying to marry me? How did that change?

Because he has a very serious mental illness that prevents him from having an intimate, mature, romantic relationship. You know that when you get too close he pushes you away, then pulls you back in short order.
The cycle will repeat with the replacement.
I know you are really hurting mevz, do your best to take it one day at a time, and go by what so many have said-it does get better the longer you are out, while some days are harder than others you will find that overall you improve.
Remember to be compassionate with yourself.