I have an undiagnosed BPD husband and am ready to start the divorce process. I’ve chosen a lawyer and looking for advice on what questions I should be asking them.
William Eddy's excellent handbook
Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder will answer many of your questions and help you avoid many typical pitfalls and traps encountered during a divorce. Since this is for you, order it from a private account so its delivery or any bills will not trigger your stbEx.
That leads to the topic of privacy and confidentiality. You have that Right, regardless of demands and interrogations. When trying to repair a marriage, of course you would share information to rebuild trust. However, ending the relationship means you only share what is appropriate, in this case typical parenting information. Choosing a lawyer, determining legal strategies and much more would henceforth be considered as part of that private and confidential category.
Did you choose an experienced proactive lawyer, one familiar with the local divorce court, judges and processes, even protracted hearings and even trial? (You don't have to hire the first lawyer you interview. Many lawyers are fine for "normal" cases - filling out forms and holding hands - but our cases require more.)
One reality you will likely face is that family courts typically don't have any inclination to seek a diagnosis of possible mental health issues. They deal with litigants as they are and don't try to fix people. We do well to follow that example and focus on facts, documentation and a range of proposed solutions. Usually by the end of the divorce process the court may notice, sadly in a disinterested manner, who the problem spouse is and who has practical solutions.
A high priority will be for you to get the court to make a temp order that is as favorable as possible. Set aside any thought of being "fair"... do what is best for (1) you and (2) the children. A warning: our sort of cases take much longer than most. Our temporary orders typically continue one or two years, sometimes longer, as the process grinds slowly. And by that time temp orders have a tendency to morph into final orders since judges conclude after all that time it must be working.
So if your lawyer whispers to you, as mine unfortunately did, "Shh... we'll fix it later" then be forewarned, it might be two years later. So, to restate clearly, try to get the "least bad" temp order possible. My court never modified my lousy temp order.
We have kids with significant support needs and my biggest concern is their safety and likely attempts to have them taken from me. I’m also concerned about protecting our finances (I’m the breadwinner), what documentation should I be keeping, how to protect myself against false allegations, how should I answer his questions / demands for information, logistics of making separation decisions if he is hostile or too in his feelings to participate, etc.
This is where we not just curb our desire to share but also our otherwise excellent quality of being overly-fair and overly-nice. As long as you're not nasty, that's enough for the court. You have to look out for and prioritize (1) yourself and (2) your children.
Your lawyer should have strategies to deal with typical divorce issues. We also have here many time-tested strategies and much collective wisdom. We've been there, experienced that. As the scripture states, "Keep on seeking and you will find. Keep on asking and you will receive."
Feel free to browse our site, especially this
Separating & Divorcing board. You will find many questions similar to yours and the prior responses will enlighten you on your options, various approaches and possible solutions.
Your stbEx may try to claim you're not an involved parent since you are the one to go to work. Document all the parenting you do. Ensure you know all the pediatricians, doctors, dentists, teachers, coaches, school counselors, day care workers, etc.
