Getting Spouse help

[Depression = 72% of members]

help:

I have a spouse that has not been clinically diagnosed, but in several books that I have read about BPD, she clearly has all those traits. Our marriage is in crisis, and I don't know how to get her help.  All the books say dont bring it up to her.  How do we solve/work on something that cannot be named?  anyone have an experience with this?

thank you

[PV]

help:

I have a spouse that has not been clinically diagnosed, but in several books that I have read about BPD, she clearly has all those traits. Our marriage is in crisis, and I don't know how to get her help.  All the books say dont bring it up to her.  How do we solve/work on something that cannot be named?  anyone have an experience with this?

thank you

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Gio0809]

Hello I am not a professional, but from what I know anyone (with a personality disorder) or not is capable of splitting. may I ask an example and the frequency of similar type scenarios?

[PV]

She has all the traits that are outlined in the book "Walking on Eggshells." The black-and-white thinking, instant flooding, raging, intense verbal abuse and put-downs one day and then saying "I need you, I need you, I need you" the next.  I want to address it directly and ask her to get tested for BPD, and then consider therapy. 

All the advice is not to bring it up to the partner. I am seriously considering divorce. I cannot live like this anymore. Does anyone have any experience of how they were able to bring up the topic to their S/O? I feel like she would get extremely defensive and begin attacking me immediately.  Can anyone share how they successfully were able to have their significant other seek a professional diagnosis?

[Lauters]

As is written in literature: do not mention the BPD. It will only make things worse (as in my case). My wife's behaviour is typical BPD, but she has no problem -> I'm the one who is sick! How can I think about her in such a way? What a bad man must I be thinking that she has a PD. This reaction comes from shame. So, by mentioning BPD, I re-inforced the shame feeling.
Another good book I can recommend: The essential family guide to BPD (R Kreger).

[ForeverDad]

It appears that many people with acting-out Borderline traits (pwBPD) never get diagnosed.  It has been noted that in past decades when there was little focused therapy available, most insurance would not cover BPD since it was viewed as incurable.  So many therapists would instead diagnose Bi-polar, which expressed similar symptoms, instead since it was covered.

Bi-polar is seen as a largely chemical or hormone imbalance and so its issues may be resolved with drugs.  However, though BPD may be moderated with drugs, there is always a risk of the patient stopping the drugs.  BPD is a Personality Disorder and the core issues are the person's own personality and warped perceptions, most often exhibited with excessive self-interest.  So it is, to some extent, perceptions (with ever changing moods and feelings) versus reality (facts and documentation).

The reason not to mention any specific diagnostic "label" such as BPD is that it often triggers overreactions such as extreme Denial, Blaming and Blame Shifting, hallmark indications of BPD.

Cognitive or Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT or CBT) have had the best results but outcomes will vary, of course.

Better than saying, "You need counseling and therapy", ponder whether a less accusatory approach might work such as "We should see a therapist to help with our problems" or "I want to go see a counselor and I'd like you to come with me."  Then once sessions continue the counselor can recommend separate sessions as well.  Be aware that sessions should not devolve into blamefests.  Avoid blaming, seek solutions.

What if therapy is refused and still issues persist?  You can still choose counseling for yourself and the children who surely have been impacted as well.

Many here have gone through the separation and divorce process - you can post on that board too (see below) if you're seeing divorce as a possible future.  We quickly learn that family or domestic court does not try to fix either spouse, it treats us all the same... as we are.  So, understanding that therapy is so very iffy - (1) your spouse may outright refuse the idea of therapy or (2) perhaps start therapy but never change - then it is best to follow family court's pattern... stick to the facts and make sure you have documentation of your facts.
Conflicted About Continuing, Divorcing/Custody, Co-parenting

[CC43]

Hi there,

If your wife has BPD, it's likely that she feels traumatized all the time, and that she's a victim.  She likely blames you and other people close to her for all her problems.  This thinking can be so deeply ingrained that being a victim becomes essential to her identity!  She's so intent on maintaining her victim status that she'll fight against any alternative explanation, especially the notion that she is mentally ill--because if she isn't the poor traumatized woman, who is she?  Even so, deep down, I bet she's hurting and ashamed.  If you even hint that she's the one responsible for her problems, and that she might be mentally ill, it could destroy her.  Besides, nobody wants to hear that they are mentally ill . . .

So, how do you get her to consider therapy?  Maybe you suggest going together, and you frame therapy as an opportunity for a tune-up, to improve communication skills and create a happier relationship dynamic.  Maybe you decide to go yourself, to learn better coping skills to deal with stress, and maybe you "normalize" therapy by example.  Maybe, when your wife is relatively calm and complaining about how she's miserable, you might suggest therapy as a way to help her cope with her stress and/or trauma.  What's the worst that could happen?  Wouldn't it be worth it to try therapy, if there were a chance that she could feel a little better?  Doesn't she owe it to herself to try to make her life better?  Maybe think of getting therapy as an act of self-care and self-love, not as an indictment of her character.  People go to doctors all the time, to get check-ups, treat injuries and deal with health issues, always with a goal of improving overall well-being.  Why would going to a psychologist or therapist be any different?  My point is, you wouldn't have to mention BPD or mental illness with this approach, because you emphasize therapy as a way to (i) help cope with stress or trauma and (ii) feel better.

The pwBPD in my life eventually warmed to the notion of getting help from "professionals."  In a way, therapy helped validate her narrative of feeling "traumatized" all the time--so traumatized that she needed professional help to cope.  It was easier for her to take feedback from a "professional" than from her family, where relationships were highly strained by emotional baggage. 

Just my two cents.  All my best to you.

[dtkm]

My uBPDh is currently in DBT therapy, and truly working to better himself, but it took him getting to complete rock bottom. Over the last several years I suggested he go to therapy, I found a DBT therapist, he refused, he didn’t need therapy, I was the messed up one. He agreed to family therapy, which turned into couples therapy because the therapist said we need to figure our stuff out before we can involve the kids…but he often would back out last minute or walk out mid session. That therapist told us that she refused to see us unless we see individual therapists, I followed through with this and he didn’t. Several months later, he suggested we go to a couples therapist, I set it up and paid for the sessions that were required for this lady and he refused to follow though with his individual intake session, he was too busy with work. This was probably the 3rd or fourth time he did this with other therapists I had set up at his request. That was my last straw with couples therapy, unless he got help.
I instead decided to switch my focus to myself, my actions are all I can control after all. I started seeing a therapist and an energy healer.  I truly worked hard on putting the skills I knew into practice, I did my best to interact with love but walk away when that wasn’t possible.  I felt better, but that change threw him. Things calmed for a bit, the crap would return but not as bad and go again. I was happy that progress was being made. Until one day he snapped, I had to call 911 and ultimately he was arrested, facing felony charges.  I hired a lawyer to help him through the process he was facing. When I was interviewed by the police I had mentioned that I believed my uBPDh had BPD. My lawyer pick up on that and suggested to his lawyer that he get a diagnosis and see a therapist. So he started to see a therapist, who ultimately was not a good fit for him. After a couple of months, I saw not a single change, he actually told me that the therapist told him that this whole situation he was in was my fault (I know that was his version and not the therapists) but it pointed to the fact that this therapist was not helping him. I let my lawyer know and suggested a DBT therapist group and my lawyer made it known that we were there to help him get the best order but that I had to see change in him or I would let the authorities know his continued actions and would stop my fight for him. He pretty immediately switched to a different therapist, who did practice DBT. This therapist was the perfect fit. In a good moment, he admitted to me all of the crap he has put me and the kids through, how horrible he feels, how he can’t control it, but is working hard to fight this. He has never before admitted any of this. He told me that he believes he needs years of therapy and he intends to continue. 
As time has gone on, he has continued his weekly meeting with this therapist, but often mentions that he continues to go to her because we have not had a single fight since he has started seeing her. On top of this he has other mandated therapy that he will have to attend weekly. In a good mood, he will tell me that he knows he has to do this, so he might as well get the most out of it.
He has been seeing his therapist for about 6 months. We have not had a single fight since, which is great, but he still has BPD. He still thinks that I am having 100 affairs a day, that the kids are covering everything up for me, that he pays for everything, that the world is out to get him, he still tries to control my life, treats the kids differently. The difference is that he now knows when it’s time for him to not be around me or the kids, when it’s not time to make snide remarks…and an even bigger change is he knows when to leave me alone when I walk away or when I don’t respond.  I know there is more progress to be made, but I will say there is nothing easy or fun about this.
This is our journey, and yours may be different. My biggest suggestion is to focus on yourself, your part…that’s truly all you can do. If she sees you change, maybe she will want to as well, but it has to co e from within her.

[ForeverDad]

That rock bottom, not everyone finds that elusive rock bottom blinding insight and turns around.  We who are standing nearby - all too sadly - don't know when it might occur, if ever.  It can happen, that's why there is some hope for it, but whether and when, that's the unknown.

I hoped asking our pediatrician might trigger an insight, except she refused the offer of therapist referrals.  I hoped seeking a joint session with a nearby therapist might help, I even specifically chose a woman therapist, but that ended with threats to their business.  I hoped calling the police would open her eyes but she just made fun of me that she got a DV booklet and I didn't.  I hoped her facing a charge of Threat of DV would be her wake up moment.  I hoped the divorce ending with equal everything in the final divorce decree, reducing her default preferential temp order as mother, would make her see reality.  I hoped the court granting me full legal custody would lessen her entitlement.  I hoped...

Sometimes that rock bottom wish remains just that - a wish.

[Gio0809]

Splitting is the viewing of all good, all bad. for BPD this is the disordered thinking that usually happens. Although it can happen to anyone, think of it as a moody teenager that will blame u for whatever problem. What makes u say ur wife has bpd?