How to calm down and stop obsessing?

[thecounterfeiter]

When I have an argument with my partner, I have trouble keeping my cool. For the most part, I’m good at doing this externally. But internally I’m burning up inside. I have a hard time calming down and letting go.

A major issue may be that I’m probably somewhere on the autism spectum. It’s really important for me to understand things and be understood. It’s hard for me to let go! He’s also very charismatic and intelligent, and speaks with authority. So my first assumption is that I’ve misunderstood - not that he just isn’t making sense at this time.

A big issue for me is illogical behaviour. I will have a hard conversation with my partner. He will tell me he doesn’t want to talk. I will say something like « ok. I get that you need space. Im here when you’re ready. » He will respond that I am pushing him away, and « putting it all on him ». It’s really hard. Because he created the situation I responded to. And now he’s blaming me?

I know there is no changing him. So I need to find peace within myself. But I’ll end up spending all day arguing and examining  in my head. It’s not helpful. But the world not making sense feels very unsafe to me, and I have this desperate need to put things in order. How do I just « radically accept » and get on with my day?!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[hiiumaa]

Hi thecounterfeiter,

I understand exactly what you are talking about. I have the same…

My therapist once told me, that my reaction ( trying to understand and analyze and thinking about the illogical behavior of my partner and searching for solutions ) is an absolut normal reaction. My nerval system can‘t find coherence in my partners behavior anymore and get‘s in alarm mode. „Here is no safety, no bonding and trustbuiling possible.“

For me - at the moment - the only solution is distance. We are still in contact after a break up, but I‘m very careful now and still thinking about how far I want him back in my life.

I‘m really interested, how other members here live with that.

[thecounterfeiter]

Hi thecounterfeiter,

I understand exactly what you are talking about. I have the same…

My therapist once told me, that my reaction ( trying to understand and analyze and thinking about the illogical behavior of my partner and searching for solutions ) is an absolut normal reaction. My nerval system can‘t find coherence in my partners behavior anymore and get‘s in alarm mode. „Here is no safety, no bonding and trustbuiling possible.“

For me - at the moment - the only solution is distance. We are still in contact after a break up, but I‘m very careful now and still thinking about how far I want him back in my life.

I‘m really interested, how other members here live with that.

Hi, I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this too. But it’s comforting to know I’m not alone.

And what your therapist said resonates. I really do feel like I’m trying to find safety by finding understanding. But there will never be clear understanding, and I don’t know how to come to terms with that.

I don’t want to distance myself from my partner. But I do need to figure out how to distance myself from the emotional loops.

[ForeverDad]

And yet if nothing else works, distance is an answer.  After all, Borderline PD is a disorder of emotional regulation.  Combine that with it being more impactful in close relationships and it becomes a serious concern for relatives and partners.  For many, their self-oriented perceptions overwhelm however much sense they have of facts and reality.

The extent of the dysfunction varies from person to person since no two people are precisely the same.

Many relationships with Borderlines do fail because the close proximity can raise the level of distress and dysfunction to an unhealthy level.  If it can't be reasonably manageable, then it makes sense to protect yourself.  It my not be outright abuse but over time the toll on you may be more than you can handle.

Can you make your health, physical and mental, your #1 priority?  As is announced before every flight, "In the event of an emergency, put your oxygen mask on first before helping others."

[ola.123]

I’m curious if the things your dealing with which sounds just like me. Do your partners know they have bpd because mine will never believe that she has it. So curious if it’s the same when they know they have it.

[hiiumaa]

Hi ola,

my partner got the diagnose twice - for bpd and npd. But he doesn‘t accept it.
He left both therapists.
Now he has a new one, and at the moment everything is about depression and alcohol addiction.
But I‘m sure, as soon as the new therapist comes up with bpd or npd he is gone again.

[ForeverDad]

Getting a diagnosis is, in effect, shining a light on a problem within oneself and that can trigger Denial, Blaming and Blame Shifting.  To illustrate, it might be similar to one getting a deadly cancer diagnosis, a person's first reaction is to deny it and a reasonably normal person will also seek out any solutions.  However, pwBPD are prone to reject and go elsewhere, not listening to advice.  While some may eventually accept it and make changes, many won't.

We are advised not to mention a possible diagnosis (perceived as a negative label) to our pwBPD.  It has been a known practice for some therapists over the years not to put a name to the beast but to just proceed with therapy, hopefully practical therapy such as Cognitive or Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT or CBT) which have had some success.