Feeling lost after conflict

[shoebill]

Hello,
I've been arguing with my boyfriend and currently we are taking a break and I am feeling very lost and alone about all of it. I haven't posted here before but I decided to do so since I don't really have people to talk to about this.
So my boyfriend has BPD and let me know that I've hurt him because I make things about myself too much and that I make him feel insecure as well as that I do not show enough interest in things he likes. I can understand its hurtful and I apologized for it but I also tried to explain my side which then caused him to get upset and threaten to leave me because to him I was not listening and that was the only way to make me listen. At the end of all that he said I should come back when I learn how to provide basic necessities in our relationship. I think important context is also that I am diagnosed with autism so I struggle significantly with knowing what is expected of me and I need to be told what is expected of me because it is difficult for me. I feel really lost, I had no idea that I was hurting him and there was nothing to indicate that he was upset about this. The last time we argued he said he got everything off his chest only for us to argue again about something he has been upset for multiple months now. He says he hides these things from me as to not hurt me but it just hurts more because it always leads to arguing like this.
I don't know what to do, I try my best to improve but everytime there is something new that I need to change and I would appreciate advice.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[thankful person]

Hi Shoebill, and welcome,

With a bpd relationship, it is easy to get dragged into the disordered thinking of your partner. Especially with your autism in the mix, it must be very hard to decide whether your partners accusations are reasonable or something that would be perceived as absolutely fine in a relationship with a non-disordered person. Also, your lack of people to talk to irl is problematic because again it can be hard to realise that a lot of what you’re being accused of is actually not unreasonable behaviour. Do you have anyone in your life? Family, friends, colleagues? Would you happily share with them the things your partner has said? Or do you feel you wouldn’t want to because they’d just say he’s crazy and you should leave him? If you think others might say that then you can see that the standards he is setting for you are impossible and unfair. Having bpd is like being in a state of permanent dissatisfaction with many aspects of life. Once you are an adult especially in a committed relationship, your partner is usually the safest place you can express that dissatisfaction. It has been likened to a sink hole, where you throw in more and more things to please your partner, with me I gave up all my CD’s, my books, stopped wearing certain clothes, stopped playing the piano, stopped writing and creating art, stopped contact with friends, most recently I didn’t get to see my Dad when he was dying… because of my dbpdw. The point is, you throw in more things… but the hole is still there, needing to be filled. I have been in this bpd relationship since 2013. Married since 2017. Bpd fam member since 2021. I have learnt so much on this site and from these incredible people on here. I have reclaimed much power back, and improved my marriage and hey, we’re still together… but still didn’t stand up for myself enough when my Dad was dying this year, for which I hate myself. I recommend the book, Stop caretaking the borderline or narcissist. It was life-changing for me. Don’t beat yourself up too much. It is likely that you are not the main problem in this relationship. Come back for more advice if you want, I found it very helpful to discuss specific issues my wife raised, and in fact I’m still seeking advice on here. But just know, your partner will always have issues, particularly if he doesn’t realise he has a problem and just blames others meaning he doesn’t feel he needs to work on himself. Good luck with everything. You can also dm me if you want to chat.