Help! I have lost my FP

[Butterfly9797]

Hello guys! Please no mean comments! It’s already difficult as it is.

I really like this guy. We have known eachother for 3 years. We have been through so much. I could write about our relationship for hours if I had the time.

I think he is my FP (favorite person) and I have to admit that my obsession has been too much. I just keep shooting myself in the foot all the time.

He has said many times that we are just friends. Even though we have been intimate many times. So yes I have been getting mixed feelings. And my feelings grew more when we were sleeping in the same bed so many times.

Anyways last year he had a person over and this person was doing stuff with him when he was at sleep. It was strange to me that he could not feel it. Anyways he kept hanging out with this person and I got so irritated and wanted him gone. So I made fake accounts on social media pretending to be this person and I wrote some nasty stuff. I got my wish through because they blocked each other but later on they discovered it was me and my FP didn’t talk to me for like 3 months. I begged for forgiveness. I told him I had BPD.  It took some time and he forgave me even though the trust was gone.

We got really close again. We were like best friends and spoke to each other about everything. And we spent so much time together.

But some months ago we met a guy and he was our mutual friend.

I started to think that this mutual friend was using us because he came to drink our alcohol and had nothing with him.

And he started to slap me in the face for no reason. I warned him 2 times. After the 3 time I hit him back.

Ofcourse my FP was on his side. Telling me I should not have hit him that hard. He said I was overreacting and that I was making enemies with everyone because of my BPD.

Later , after we did party when we went to this place they sat in front of me and they were writing about me on Snapchat. I totally exploded. I said some nasty stuff and I went home.

But when I was outside my home I realised I forgot my home key at my FP place so I went back to his place. I tried calling him many times but he didn’t answer. And when I came there I asked why he didn’t answer. He said because he was having sex with someone. And our mutual friend was laughing. He asked my FP when the other date is coming. My FP said he was coming soon. I texted my mom about everything she told me to go home because they were just messing with me. They even thought that I left my key on purpose just to come back but that’s not true. Our mutual friend went home but I stayed because I thought that someone was coming over and that wasn’t true because none came. I even made a scene because I cried alot.

The next weekend my FP told us that he doesn’t want anyone to sleep at his place. So we went out and it was fun. And when the club close they said they were going home so they took the same bus because they live close to eachother while I live 1 hour away.

But I didn’t go home. I stayed at the station all night.  And in the morning I went to my FP place to see if our mutual friend was there. And when I came he was there. Sleeping in his sofa. I started to cry alot. My FP told me that he missed his stop so he came there to eat and he told him to sleep over. He even told me to stop crying. He doesn’t feel any empathy for me anymore. That made me cry even more. He told me he doesn’t want me there because I’m so manipulative, jealous and controlling. Our mutual went home and my FP said later that our mutual friend is afraid of me.

That evening we went out. And it wasn’t fun for me. I felt like I ghost while they were dancing with eachother. I hated our mutual friend so much so I put my sleeping medication in his drink. And they found out about it. So I went home. What I did was bad and i was ashamed.

Days went by. I tried calling my FP and he told me to not call him. He blamed me for making fake accounts and writing to him but it was NOT me. Not this time. Even though I know why he thinks it’s me. He didn’t believe me. He told me to open my eyes and go seek help before I pass away. And I got so mad when he wrote that so i called him so many things. I really cant write the stuff i wrote because it is so brutal. And I really regret it. He said I had my chances and wished me good luck with my life.

I just thought that he needed time to cool off. So did I. Because it exploded.

I know that I did bad stuff. And i stand Behind it. But so did they. They knew i had feelings for him so they kept teasing me.

It has now been over 1 month since we had contact and I miss him so much!!!!

I have seen him at the gym. ( his mom lives in the same city as me so he visits alot) I tried to say hello but he turns around his head  I have also seen him at the club with the other guy but they ignore me. I guess he is not ready. Because he doesn’t even wanna say hey.

He has given many chances so thats why i believe he will give another one. But this timeim not 100 procent sure.

I really do miss him

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ForeverDad]

Thank you for seeking resources.  That is an indication you're wanting to make improvements in your relationships and skills.  That in itself is refreshing to hear.  However, that means changes in you.  Nobody is perfect, we all make mistakes, we all can improve.  So if you want others to respond positively, you will likewise need to seek similar positive improvements in yourself.

There are therapies for addressing Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) traits.  They really can work, though it will take persistence and determination and time.  Can you do that?  It's a true challenge but the results can turn your life around.

However, this site is focused on those who are or have been in relationships with person exhibiting BPD traits.  Frankly, some discussions on this site maybe be triggering to you.  Sorry that we can't be of additional help.

Fortunately, there are two options for you.  There are other sites that focus on helping those with BPD traits.  Second, have you sought a qualified therapist who can work with you over time?  It may be difficult but the benefits outweigh the costs.

[Butterfly9797]

Thank you for your response ForeveverDad
Im already going to therapy. Im going to something called DBT! So I see a therapist once a week.

I regret that our relationship ended like it did. Even though i Did the worse things I can’t put all the blame on me because i think we both are at fault that our relationship sank like it did.

But i really do miss him but i don’t know how to fix it when he doesn’t even wanna talk anymore…