Di

[Jabar]

My DIL is emotionaly abusing me. She does not and has not let us see or be grandparents to our two grandchildren, and turned a once loving wonderful son against us. She lives with my son in our former neighborhood and is lying about me to everyone. She has red flagged me at the school where my children went to school and marked me as a threat to my grandchildren.She has turned my sister against me, my sister is estranged to me  but my sister hosts my sons family for vacation and holidays. She recently got me uninvited to my nephews wedding, that they attended. We were also served a no contact restraining order by the police  on our last visit to our old neighborhood were we lived for 35 years. We talked to friend and family lawyers and hired one lawyer, only for them not to show up at the court house. She claims that her illness is because of the trama I have inflicted on her. . We have been to 3 councilors, with them and one online psychologists, who advised us that she might be BPD I feel like I am falling down a hole.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Pook075]

Hello and welcome to the family!  I'm so sorry you're in this situation and there's nothing at all fair about this.  Mental health is a serious issue and it can sometimes be hard to find answers.

First and foremost, remember this quote, "This is for right now, not for forever."

Your DIL may have BPD or a similar diagnosis in that cluster group, but we're not professionals and can't help with a diagnosis.  Instead, it might help to focus on what's actually going on that caused all of this chaos in your life to begin with.  Was there an argument or something said that set things in motion?

For your DIL, she's reacting this way because she feels threatened.  With BPD, it's common to see relatives being treated as a threat since they can come between a married couple.  For instance, if you've told your son that she's wrong and treating him poorly, she could see you as a direct threat to her relationship and react in an over the top way.

Also, mentioning mental illness to someone that's mentally ill rarely has the intended consequence.  How would you feel if someone said, "I think you're crazy!"  Nobody reacts well to that and suggesting help or therapy can be very counter productive.  Have you had conversations like that already?

My most straightforward advice is to make peace with the DIL if possible, to avoid talking about mental illness, and to show her/your son that you're not the enemy.  You feel wronged and I completely understand, but the goal here is to have quality time with the grandkids and that's impossible currently.

Please ask away with any questions or feel free to rant...you're among friends here that get it.