Di

[Jabar]

My DIL is emotionaly abusing me. She does not and has not let us see or be grandparents to our two grandchildren, and turned a once loving wonderful son against us. She lives with my son in our former neighborhood and is lying about me to everyone. She has red flagged me at the school where my children went to school and marked me as a threat to my grandchildren.She has turned my sister against me, my sister is estranged to me  but my sister hosts my sons family for vacation and holidays. She recently got me uninvited to my nephews wedding, that they attended. We were also served a no contact restraining order by the police  on our last visit to our old neighborhood were we lived for 35 years. We talked to friend and family lawyers and hired one lawyer, only for them not to show up at the court house. She claims that her illness is because of the trama I have inflicted on her. . We have been to 3 councilors, with them and one online psychologists, who advised us that she might be BPD I feel like I am falling down a hole.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Pook075]

Hello and welcome to the family!  I'm so sorry you're in this situation and there's nothing at all fair about this.  Mental health is a serious issue and it can sometimes be hard to find answers.

First and foremost, remember this quote, "This is for right now, not for forever."

Your DIL may have BPD or a similar diagnosis in that cluster group, but we're not professionals and can't help with a diagnosis.  Instead, it might help to focus on what's actually going on that caused all of this chaos in your life to begin with.  Was there an argument or something said that set things in motion?

For your DIL, she's reacting this way because she feels threatened.  With BPD, it's common to see relatives being treated as a threat since they can come between a married couple.  For instance, if you've told your son that she's wrong and treating him poorly, she could see you as a direct threat to her relationship and react in an over the top way.

Also, mentioning mental illness to someone that's mentally ill rarely has the intended consequence.  How would you feel if someone said, "I think you're crazy!"  Nobody reacts well to that and suggesting help or therapy can be very counter productive.  Have you had conversations like that already?

My most straightforward advice is to make peace with the DIL if possible, to avoid talking about mental illness, and to show her/your son that you're not the enemy.  You feel wronged and I completely understand, but the goal here is to have quality time with the grandkids and that's impossible currently.

Please ask away with any questions or feel free to rant...you're among friends here that get it.

[js friend]

Hi jabar,


Iam sorry that you feel that you have lost your son and gc  in this situation. Maybe there is a possibility that your DIL is threatening and manipulating your once loving son. The lies are there to divide and conquer and control. Your DIL feels threatened by the once loving r/s you once had with your son and she has to put an end to it to otherwise she probably feels that she will lose number 1 position in his life. Pwbpd can even be jealous of their own children so the r/s she saw between you all is something that isnt admired it is something that she wants soley for herself. Remember also pwbpd are all consuming and have a irrational fear of abandonment in any form so they will often make up lies to ensure that it doesnt happen.

I think that your DIL is probably enjoying watching you get all worked up and the more you retaliate the more she will do her worse. The last thing I heard was that my udd was saying that Iam not allowed to see my gc because I ruined her childhood with my (supposed) mood swings and abuse and that she was worried I would do the same to gc!!!

My question was to the s/w atm was...Yet it was ok for me to look after my gc in my own home, ALONE for years until it didnt become ok??? He coudnt figure it out either.

The best thing I think you can do  is to save your time and money and put all of this behind you.

You know the truth and your husband knows the truth about the things she is saying....Maybe even deep down your son knows the truth and thats all that matters.