Ex husband is in jail

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I made the mistake of going back to him and now he's in jail for assault and I am having to take four of my kids and move to a small town just outside the county line.

I have S14, S12, D11, and S9 with me. D17 lives with a friend from church who is a trauma therapist. D18 is in college in the town we're moving to.

The world turned upside down the past couple of weeks.

I'm in the same spot I was in when I first came here and I'm feeling all kinds of things about that. S9 was 2 when I first went through this.

[I Am Redeemed]

I made the mistake of going back to him and now he's in jail for assault and I am having to take four of my kids and move to a small town just outside the county line.

I have S14, S12, D11, and S9 with me. D17 lives with a friend from church who is a trauma therapist. D18 is in college in the town we're moving to.

The world turned upside down the past couple of weeks.

I'm in the same spot I was in when I first came here and I'm feeling all kinds of things about that. S9 was 2 when I first went through this.

[ForeverDad]

I'm sorry to hear your 'gotcha' from the past somehow had gotten past prior boundaries.  It can happen.  Don't feel bad about having to rebuild them.  You're dealing with "What IS".

I think it could be starting to happen to me too.  Nearly 20 years ago when I arrived here my marriage had imploded and I spent the next 8 years in and out of family court.  And it was all about custody and parenting.  Our child is grown now but still lives with me.  The strong boundaries have weakened since ex comes to visit him here, even cooks a meal, etc.  I've already had to say if ex is between homes she can't live here even temporarily, so I too see how boundaries can weaken over time.

[I Am Redeemed]

He was sober and I let him back into our lives. I was struggling to pay the bills and we ended up having to move in with him.

I guess just being away from him, I forgot how bad it can get.

And, of course, it never starts out as bad as it can get. That happens gradually, and the situation escalates

We don't have to get divorced again, and I have full custody of the kids.

CPS is involved and I am worried about his reaction when I put a protection order on him for the kids and me.

[Pook075]

He was sober and I let him back into our lives. I was struggling to pay the bills and we ended up having to move in with him.

I guess just being away from him, I forgot how bad it can get.

And, of course, it never starts out as bad as it can get. That happens gradually, and the situation escalates

We don't have to get divorced again, and I have full custody of the kids.

CPS is involved and I am worried about his reaction when I put a protection order on him for the kids and me.

We talked about this a little in another thread so I'll go a different route here.

The biggest challenge for BPDs is learning that actions have consequences.  He might be sitting in jail thinking about "what you did to him" instead of "how he got himself there."  He might leave the jail angry and become even more livid once he finds out about the protective order.  And you might have to have him arrested all over again if he chooses to violate that order.

Everything I shared is his thought process; it does not have to be yours.

Just like the boundaries we teach on this site, he's dealing with legal boundaries that are enforceable.  Follow the law and nothing happens.  Do your own thing and go back to jail.  Eventually he will "get it" or even better, he'll have a complete meltdown and actually take his mental health seriously.  Again, all of that is on him; it's not your burden anymore.

 You can't worry about "if" he will get mad or do something stupid.  If he does, dial 9-1-1 before he even gets out of his car.  Your focus has to be on yourself and the kids.

I'm so sorry you're in this position and as I said in the other thread, I'm rooting for you and for him.  It would be great if the kids could have a real father someday.  All you can do is take this one day at a time though.

[I Am Redeemed]

He's going to be in jail until at least December, unless something crazy happens (not impossible, especially where I live).

I'm so accustomed to assessing his moods and what might set him off

I sincerely hope he gets some help, but I am not in a position to help him towards that. He will have to come to that conclusion on his own.

I'm trying to focus on one day at a time, I really am. It's so easy to get overwhelmed when I think about all the responsibilities and tasks I have to complete. I am journaling and writing down lists; that helps me organize my thoughts and reduces anxiety.

My OCD is working overtime about the "perfect" way to go about sorting and packing and cleaning. That often leads to a cycle of overwhelm and procrastination. I am giving myself permission to be "lazy" tonight and start organizing tomorrow, one small section at a time, one or two boxes at a time, of necessary. I can get momentum going that way.

We should be moved in our new house by next weekend.