Considering Going Back

[BeachTree]

Hi everyone,
I've posted on this a few times over the past half year, this is a bit of an update on my current situation and dilemma.
I’d really appreciate some perspective from people who’ve been in similar situations.

I was in a five-year relationship with a woman who has BPD. She is driven and successful in life, but also needs constant reassurance & I ended up walking on egg shells.
There was incredible intensity, deep connection, and amazing sexual chemistry, but also emotional swings, threats of self-harm, and times when it felt like my reality was being rewritten. She always seemed on guard for signs that I might leave.

After we broke up, she moved a new man into our old home within a few weeks.
That destroyed me.

She’s kept in contact, usually every week or so.
Recently she found out I was dating other people and became extremely upset, even came to my place and looked through the windows to see who I was with, which felt completely out of line. Especially when she's been living with another man for 6 months.

The attraction between us is still unbelievably strong. She’s told me for months that she and her current partner aren’t compatible and that she wants us to get back together. She tells me she tries but he won't let her break up with him. I believe that is true, although not the entire truth. I believe it also suits her to have him as a safe option. It feels like she wants me to guarantee I'll take her back before she leaves. Also that she doesn't want me to move on myself.

She gets very upset about me dating others, despite living with another man for six months while saying she wants to come back. It feels like she’s bouncing between us. She says she feels strongly drawn to me but not safe (worried I’ll leave if we get back together) and feels safe with the other partner but smothered and like she needs space.

Part of me still loves her deeply and feels an almost magnetic pull to try again. I’d love for things to work, but another part of me knows that if I were looking in from the outside, I’d say this situation is completely crazy.

I’m torn about whether to give her one more chance, and if I did, what boundaries, expectations, or conditions would make it healthy.
I believe that if she truly went all in, we could rebuild something unique and special. But I also worry she can’t take enough accountability for her behaviour to create a secure relationship. It’s like she can’t face the shame. She is in therapy, although I’m not sure it’s enough. I feel she is very good at creating whatever narrative suits her.

For those who’ve been here:

Has anyone managed to rebuild something stable after this kind of breakup or rebound?

How did you know it was different this time?

Honestly, in my heart, a big part of me would want this to work, another part feels incredibly disrespected. I do love her still and the connection between us is something unlike I've felt with anyone else. But I only want to try again if it is realistic and for the right reasons.

Thanks for reading. Any insight from people would mean a lot.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[kells76]

Although I haven't been in your situation, it does make sense to me that a key question you're asking is -- how would this time be different.

I am guessing that you want things to be different this time (if you pursue reconnection) -- true?

What do you think was the core conflict in your relationship in the past? Did you both see the same core conflict?

What would you do differently this time that is under your control? Has she brought up anything she would approach differently?

Importantly, do you think she wants a reconnect to be different, or do you think she wants to "go back to how things were" ("the good times")?

I've read here before that for reconnections like this to have a chance, you both may need to "grieve and bury" the old relationship, vs trying to resuscitate it. Something about the old dynamic was so unworkable that it "killed" that relationship, so in a way, reconnecting might need to come from a place not of trying to recapture the good times/memories, but of starting something new.

One size doesn't fit all, so if that doesn't sound helpful, that's ok too -- just some food for thought to help you think through your next moves.

[Pook075]

Has anyone managed to rebuild something stable after this kind of breakup or rebound?

My 24 year marriage to my BPD ex fell apart suddenly and she walked away to pursue another man.  I started long-distance dating almost a year later and I was also surprised that she was jealous because she told me that she hoped I'd find someone. 

While we never reconciled, we did find friendship once again and were able to heal the past wounds.

How did you know it was different this time?

Part of a BPDs relationship cycle is this exact pattern- discarding someone and then coming back to start the relationship all over again.  I've seen this with my BPD ex wife and my BPD daughter more times than I could count.  I don't think it's a matter of "is it different this time" as much as it is "could I be different this time." 

The reason I say that is because you know what BPD is now,  you understand the basic triggers, and you have better strategies and coping skills to work through conflict.  What will make things different is how you respond when she's in crisis to keep trust levels high and avoid the worst of BPD tendencies.

Think about it- does your ex have any long-term best friends or family members that they're super close to?  If so, that's proof that they can maintain stable relationships despite having mental illness.  The "x factor" here is more you than anything.  Does that make sense?

For me, I look back and feel confident that if I waited things out long enough, I could have reconciled with my BPD ex-wife.  I decided on a different path after weighing the pros and cons, and I don't regret that decision.  My journey is very personal and unique though, and yours is as well.  So general advice may not be particularly helpful for your specific situation.