Physical Violence while Raging

[ArtVandelay61]

Hello everyone,
I am new to the list and I hope to learn from everyones experience, strength and hope. I also hope to be able to contribute and help others. I have been researching BPD and the unpredictability and crazyness it causes. After my wife was told by her therapist that she has some of the behaviors of BPD and probably has it, things really started to make sense to me. Her intense raging and meltdowns finally had a source that I could identify. My question today is in regards to how to handle intense rage that led to physical violence (slap to the face, and punching and kicking to the chest and back) It was obviously a big shock, and I honestly went into denial and shock. My knee jerk reaction was to swear at her and vocalize my dismay, which just escalated it with even louder raging and character assassination followed. I am aware of the tools called boundaries and detachment, but am looking for a way to vocalize my limits in calmer waters, and then follow through if it happens again. What do you say to your loved one (She does feel shame and guilt after the occurrence) to communicate that physical assault is non negotiable and what action should I take. This happened when we were out of town on a trail and I was holding the keys so if I left, she would have been in an unfamiliar place with no keys or phone. I just want to be prepared if it ever happens again and I want my actions to be consistent on following through if it does. I'll look forward to any suggestions.

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[kells76]

Hi there and a warm

So glad you reached out for help after a really shocking situation. It makes sense that you want to be prepared to navigate if/when she is violent again, and that you hope there could be a way to plan when both of you are calm.

Just to understand things a little better --

How long have you and your W been together?

How long has she been violent (is this a recent development or long term)?

Do you have any kids together? If so, how old are they, and how are they doing?

How did your W take it when the therapist suggested BPD -- was your W accepting of that idea, in denial...? Does your W still see that therapist?

...

A great resource when there is physical assault in a family is reaching out to your local DV hotline. It will be free and anonymous (e.g. they won't secretly call the cops behind your back), and you don't have to know or believe or think that DV is happening, to still call and chat and get some feedback. I had to call last year about some things that my husband's kids told us about their mom & stepdad, and I think I remember telling the hotline, "is this DV? I'm not even sure" and they were still really supportive and listened.
A DV hotline can help you develop a "safety plan" which sounds like the resource you're looking for -- a plan for how to navigate if your W is physically aggressive again. They will be great at walking you through making one, so you don't have to figure it all out on your own.
And -- you're in the driver's seat when you call. They won't make you do anything, so if you don't feel ready to work with them, or whatever reason, you can hang up the phone, no pressure
Just want to encourage you to consider calling and learning what they might be able to help with.

...

How are things tonight -- calmer?

[ArtVandelay61]

Thank you so much for the warm and understanding reply. I have been really confused and bewildered. Let me give a little more color on the situation. My wife and I have been together since 2016 or 2017. We met in a Al Anon recovery meeting and at first became close friends and then got involved romantically. We both were going through a very rough patch (we both were in the process of ending our very difficult marriages-going through divorce) and we found lots of comfort and love and understanding together. After our divorces, we enjoyed a "whirlwind" relationship and she worshiped me. Our physical connection was amazing. I know now that was what is described as Idealization. I did notice small signs of unhealthy behavior early on in the relationship, but could easily look beyond it and identify that the good times way outweighed the occasional meltdowns or confusing reactions to certain things. There never was any physical violence or hitting. It wasn't until recently that she got so enraged (in my opinion a reaction way over the top compared to the issue at hand) and slapped me in the face. I was so shocked and so mad, I never struck back (nor would I EVER) but I swore at her and said some things I wished I wouldn't have.  That was like throwing gs on the fire. hat same weekend, it happened again. She didn't just slap me once, but several times. We were out of town (We have 2 homes about 2 1/2 hours apart) and after she calmed down a bit (although still very agitated) I said my good bye's and I left. I work in the town 2 1/2 hours away and commute and work remotely on occasion. Just to be clear, the 2nd home is near where her daughters live so she can be there in their times one need. for example her oldest daughter is having her 1st baby this Wednesday and I sincerely do fully support this. There are no "kids involved in our home. We are both beyond the childbearing years and in fact, I never had kids. As to the BPD diagnosis, my wife actually took it well and in fact felt relief. She has been in counseling for decades and feels for once she has an answer. and she works very hard on her recovery. Our common bond through Al Anon continues and the program actually has a lot of parallels to this format. The violence/ physical abuse is also common in Alcoholic homes (We both grew up in that world, but neither one of us drinks alcohol) and even though I have read about it, I never in a million years would have guessed I would be in this position.  I really like the idea of calling a DV hotline, and I plan to follow through with that next week. Thanks again for the warm reception and the safe place to share such deep and emotional thoughts on my loved one. I look forward to any more ideas and I hope that I can add value to others from my ESH (experience, strength, and hope) going forward.

[ForeverDad]

I suspect you provided an answer as to "why now?"  Sometimes we can look back and identify possible triggers for our BPD spouses and relationships when the level of conflict or discord rises to a new level.

Her daughter is expecting her first child, so could that be triggering her reactions?  That is something you and she as well as she and her therapist can explore.  However, that is not an excuse either for her actions or your reactions.

Concerning your spouse:  An observation that been made before is that "if it has happened before - or even contemplated - then it will happen again, given enough time."  However, it is good that she is in meaningful therapy and, so far as you know, is working hard to address her issues.  So she (or better yet, she and you) can alert her therapist about this incident to reduce the likelihood of the physical abuse happening again.

Concerning you:  This incident caught you off guard and you weren't prepared to experience it.  That's understandable.  Yet, as much as no one wants a heightened level of conflict, now that it has happened once, you need to be prepared to reduce the conflict should it ever happen again.  One idea might be for you to imagine that instead of being in a private scenario at home, you're instead in the midst of witnesses somewhere, in your home, in another's home or in a restaurant.  Our behavior and responses are usually much calmer in public scenarios.

[Notwendy]

I'll chime in here as someone who also has done 12 steps (ACA, CODA) and I agree that the program is helpful with these dynamics as they are similar. However, being a lay led program, it isn't designed to help specifically with BPD- and so don't help the person with BPD for all the issues. Still, I think it is a most helpful program to those of us who are in a relationship with someone with BPD.

12 steps did not treat your wife's BPD. I think that it is advantageous to your relationship that you both know program, the common terms and can communicate within that framework. It's good that neither of you are addicted to alcohol yourselves (my BPD mother also had addictions). It's good that your wife is able to be receptive to what her therapist tells her. These are positives in your relationship.

The intense shame a pwBPD can feel is something very real and makes it hard to discuss her behavior with her. It seems your wife is aware of this. For boundaries- I think it's only fair to her to state- in a loving way- that physical violence is a zero tolerance behavior. Don't threat, just explain that this isn't in accordance with her higher self- she's better than this.  On the other hand, you need to have boundaries you can control and so you need more than talking to her. You can not control her actions (you know this).

You may have noticed that the rages are more intense when it's just the two of you and also the situation was that you were in a remote area and not in a position to remove yourself. One boundary that you can do is to avoid being in these situations, to not be on hikes or places like this alone with your wife.

I had no control over my BPD mother's behavior. Physical violence to people was less of a concern but she was destructive with property- things that had meaning to us- she'd destroy when in a rage. The boundary was- do not leave items of value where she can get to them.

It's important to not react with words and yelling as you know. It's with quiet and firm action.

She was most likely to act out when there wasn't anyone else around. It's not possible to avoid being alone with your wife. One boundary I had was to not be in a potentially dangerous situation with my mother. The car was a vulnerable situation as if we were alone in the car, she might yell at me. This was a potential distraction. If she did this, I'd pull over to a place to stop and sit there for as long as it takes and she might miss what she wanted to do. She learned that if she wanted to go somewhere (she didn't drive) she needed to be quiet in the car.

When I visited, I kept my suitcase packed and ready to go. If there was conflict, I quietly picked it up and left.

A DV shelter would tell you to do the same thing. Keep a packed bag with what you'd need on a moment's notice, some cash. Remove yourself from the situation.

Calling 911 is also an option. Be aware, as a male, she can convince the cops that you are the abuser. I think some of the male posters here can advise on this concern and how to handle 911 calls if necessary.

[ArtVandelay61]

Thank you so much for your helpful feedback and for sharing your own ESH. I will take all this feedback to heart and take steps to protect myself. In Al Anon I have learned the 3 C's (didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it)and also the 3 G's, (get off her back, get out of the way, get on with your life) which seem to apply here too. I do intend to call the local DV resource and take your advice on being prepared for the next time. I also like telling her in a calm "matter of fact" way and at the right time that physical violence is not acceptable and that it isn't in line with her higher self. That she is better than that. I know she really feels awful and full of shame so I need to be kind and gentle when I do. I know I need to establish some boundaries but want to be very deliberate with them and be sure I can follow through consistently, and every time. This is why I want to be very careful and really think them through. There are so many I think about, but realistically, I know I need to slow down and take them on slowly and one at a time. Again, thank you for your great advice and for being there in my time of need. I really need a safe place to share and I feel better having done that.

[Notwendy]

I also like telling her in a calm "matter of fact" way and at the right time that physical violence is not acceptable and that it isn't in line with her higher self. That she is better than that.

I think this will help mitigate the shame- that you know she's better than this.

Read up on the Karpman triangle dynamics. It helped me to understand (not excuse or feel it's tolerable) my BPD mother's hurtful behavior.

https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

My BPD mother (and I think pwBPD in general) perceived herself in victim position. The "payoff" for this is shame avoidance. Shame was extremely painful and her thinking would reject this. It's encouraging that your wife can feel remorse- as this shows she can understand her own behavior some. Not that you wish for her to feel shame but that, if someone is unable to be aware of their own hurtful behavior, then it's more challenging to discuss it with them.

During these rage episodes, BPD mother perceived the other person as the persecutor, and herself in victim mode. She lashed out in self defence, as in the moment, she felt like she was being attacked.

When she's calm, your wife doesn't want to do this but when she's in fight or flight mode, she's fighting what she perceives as hurting her. All of us would do this if we thought someone was actually hurting us. For the pwBPD- feelings feel like facts. In reality- you aren't hurting her and she's not in danger but in the moment, she's flooded with these feelings that she is.

Abusive relationships cycle. After an episode the person, in a more calmer state may be genuinely remorseful- until the next time. However, this doesn't exuse the fact that physical violence is harmful and in some cases, the person being abused can not remain in that kind of relationship if it is a danger to them and not something they can work out.

You are not at this point because it seems that you and your wife are able to communicate and work things out to some extent, and there's a lot that seems to be workable. I agree that speaking to her about this as you have planned is a good idea but it is crucial that you have a way to get to safety in the event this happens again, which is likely. Abuse is rarely a one time event. Another step is for your wife to have some direct therapy for BPD to help her manage her feelings and behavior better. DBT is known to be effective for pwBPD who are motivated to work at this.