Coming up on a Month - it DOES get better

[athena wanderer]

In a couple of days, it will have been a month since I hugged him, cried my eyes out and drove way finally putting myself first.

We had spent two weeks on vacation together where the days were lovely and the nights were filled with him splitting on me because I "wouldn't' take his name" "wouldn't move in with him" etc. etc. etc.  Never ending black and white assertions that were nowhere true.

I've done (frankly) excellent during this break-up, life is soo peaceful.  I can make my own decisions without considering whether or not I'm wasting "our" money (or really future money).  I stopped getting my nails done (something he insisted on), because I was tired of wasting the money. AND in the meantime, I've been spending time with a lovely person who thinks my daughter is an asset, not a hinderance to a good relationship. AND I miss him. Yes I still miss my pwBPD . . . there's not a day I don't wonder what he's doing.  The feeling is not as obsessive as it was in the past which gives me hope that I'm truly healing this time.

I just wanted to give those who are still suffering some hope.

Yes, I still need some propping up when I miss him like I do today. BUT it does get better.

[Me88]

Wow under a month and you're seeing someone seriously? No judgement, I just know I'm a slow healer. It's good that you're feeling better though. Just make sure you are truly healing and not just trying to forget and patch it up with new people and experiences. Or do whatever you want

[athena wanderer]

No, I am absolutely not seeing someone seriously nor would I consider doing so anytime in the near future.  I miss my pwBPD too much.

I have been spending time with a person who has expressed that my daughter is an asset in a relationship, but we are not in a relationship . . . I should have been clearer. 

The contrast between their views and my ex's is just a real tell.

[Me88]

Oh makes sense. Yeah, for me this is the hardest relationship I've ever had to endure or 'get over'. 10 months since the end and I still have zero interest in even going on a date or talking to a woman with any intentions. 

It would be refreshing to see there are regulated people out there with a normal mindset and personality.

[athena wanderer]

I completely relate.  I've plenty of well-meaning friends attempting to set me up with other partners for ages (anytime we had a "breakup"). I simply have zero interest in being tied down and beholden to anyone's expectations - I knew but couldn't fully acknowledge how many expectations / "rules" I had to follow to keep the peace. Not all of expectations were entirely unreasonable or bothersome, but it sure is nice to only have to meet my own expectations at the moment.

[athena wanderer]

I suppose it's also worth noting that while this is the final breakup IMO - there have been many "final breakups" mostly initiated by my former partner; and even though he started taking the steps on this breakup it was me who finally left this time without attempting to further engage or convince him that we really do belong together.  Soooo yes it's only been a month, but it's been almost a year of back and forth following the dissolution of our engagement which was by far the most awful experience.

[Me88]

Yup. The people who have known you for ages. They know your character and always try to tell you about someone nice they know. It's like, no. I don't just date everyone for fun. And I'm not in a good head space so what kind of selfish person am I to show up as some sad, lonely person looking for "whatever".

Random breakups, breaks, and all else always happen. Then it's peace and fun and love. Then another split. We all know.

And yes, a day at a time. Take care of you first, so you can also care for your child in the best way you can. I truly hate these relationships and the issues they cause.

[Under The Bridge]

Great to see that you're starting to get through this and seeing that there is indeed life - and a decent life - out there. That's the biggest step - when you accept that the bad is now outweighing the good and it just can't go on.

The first few months after a breakup with a BPD are truly hard - I purposely stayed well away from any of our regular haunts as I knew that once she'd 'cooled down' she'd walk back in like nothing happened and though I had definitely decided that we were now finally through, I didn't want to put myself in temptation's way.

Friends are great but unless they've actually been with a BPD long-term they have no real idea of what's involved so they just assume you can quickly get over this relationship and jump straight into another. They have no idea of the huge mental cost of what you've been through and how it's made you very wary.

Just get out there and enjoy yourself doing all the things you like doing - and probably couldn't do while you were with a BPD.  I often find that good things happen when you aren't looking for them

Stay strong and good luck.

[PeteWitsend]

...

I have been spending time with a person who has expressed that my daughter is an asset in a relationship, but we are not in a relationship . . . I should have been clearer. 

The contrast between their views and my ex's is just a real tell.

Just don't let your guard down; talk is cheap, and anyone interested in a relationship would know enough to say the right thing up front about their potential partner's kids.  But in the long run, when those same kid(s) become a hindrance to them, does their tone and attitude change?  That's what you need to watch out for.  Kids need to be picked up and dropped off; can't take weekend trips whenever you want.  Can't stay out late.  Gotta buy an extra seat, pay for an extra ticket, get more space, can't go to 21-and-over places, Etc. etc. 

After I got divorced, I eventually (a year later) got into a new relationship.  When she eventually met my daughter, it seemed to go extremely well; she had taken the time to research good ways to do it, and always made sure my daughter had treats or stuff to do at her place. Her and her family would always cite my commitment to my daughter as a positive and a sign of good character.  They knew plenty of people that rarely or never saw their kids again after divorce.

We were together for four (4) years, and over time, her attitude toward my daughter got worse and worse.  She would complain about my ex-wife's behavior, which was understandable because BPDxw was awful, but she would do it in a way that put me on the spot and tried to provoke more conflict.  And in months where I had back-to-back weekends with my daughter she would complain "we just saw her." and other stuff like that.  Near the end of it, she started openly picking on my daughter, which was an absolute red line for me, and we broke up shortly after that.