My son is scaring me by saying every one should be afraid of him

[wannabeamomma]

Today my 29 yo son truly terrified me. He “forgave me” about a year ago for all of the abuse and neglect I supposedly imposed on him although all of my friends and family that knew him through childhood assure me that I was a good mother to him. And I know in my heart that I was a good mother to him.
Even though he “forgave me” he was no contact until recently because he needed help with his bills and for me to once again co sign on his apartment lease. Which I did because I am concerned about his ability to deal with his financial issues. He was doing well in his personal training business but apparently that is not going well probably because of his anger issues. He openly admits that he doesn’t care what anyone thinks anymore and is going to call out anyone he thinks has a problem.
He claims he has found God. He called about a month ago to tell me that he doesn’t want me to go to hell and that I need to read the Bible. The phone calls since then are about whether I am reading the Bible. I do and even sent him an extra application study bible I had.
Today he called to ask if I was reading the Bible. Then he told me that he is angry because I supposedly cared more about money than God. He is also angry that I supposedly didn’t live a life or focus his life on God.
Then he told me that everyone should be scared. I asked him who should be scared and why. He said everyone because if he wasn’t trying to follow God he would seek revenge and kill everyone who deserved it. He actually said he could have been a school shooter and he wants to kill everyone who has hurt him. I’m terrified that he will break and hurt someone. He hates his father so he would be the first target I think.
I told him that I he needs to stop judging and all the negative and hateful thoughts and to call me back when he was ready when he isn’t so angry. He texted right after and said he was sorry he is so angry. My husband his stepfather is so upset and I am lost. It breaks my heart because I know he is mentally unwell but I can’t fix him.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi wannabeamom
I have read your post several times and I have to say that I think you have good reason to be concerned. The blaming/anger etc can be pretty tough and still in the range of BPD symptom intensity.

However, the things that he is saying about God and ho w he feels – his intense anger and bringing up shootings etc could indicate that he is on the verge of psychosis.

Is ds a marijuana user and has he had a mental health diagnosis in the past? Is he on any medication?

It is great that you co-signed, and you really seem to be handling things very, very well indeed!

I am sitting here thinking ‘ what on earth  would I do in these circumstances?’ The options are pretty limited because until something happens it is difficult to get intervention.

I am wondering if you have text messages that express the things you have been saying here? I am thinking that being able to show someone the kinds of things that are being said could be really helpful – rather than just hearing it from you – something in writing is stronger evidence.

Who to how? Does ds have a regular GP? If so I think I would find a way to let him/her know. If not, I think I would let my GP know – and perhaps try to talk to a mental health professional to find out what things you can look for that would show things are escalating in his deterioration.

You may have thought of these things – and they are not appropriate in the circumstances – or you might have tried them. It is like walking a tightrope to be in this situation. On the one hand, it is really important that he is able to talk to you – even if it is to berate you – so that you have the opportunity to assess whether things are steady or not. On the other hand, an attempt to involve others could lead to ds cutting off from you, and the opportunity for someone to be monitoring will have been lost.

I have been rambling on a bit, so sorry about that. I do feel though that you have a right to be concerned and it is a really difficult thing to know how to monitor or move forward in this situation.

Sending thoughts . . .

[CC43]

Hi mom,

That indeed sounds scary, and you must be worried sick. I bet your son is projecting a lot of his feelings of anger and self-hatred onto others. His concern about you going to hell could reflect his feelings about his own lack of self-worth. He seems to be really angry at the world, maybe because he’s struggling to find his way in it. He wants to punish others in a misguided attempt to express his frustrations and grievances with the world.

I agree with Sancho that it sounds like your son might be showing signs of paranoia and delusions. My BPD stepdaughter went through a phase like that, accusing others of being « out to get » her, and displaying temporary breaks with reality when her rage was spiraling out of control. This coincided with a period of regular marijuana use and a breakdown in life routines. We were scared for her and of her too. Fortunately, she got help, quit marijuana use and turned her life around. Though she still struggles, we are not afraid for her and of her anymore. Her life looks a whole lot better right now, even if she’s avoiding us at the moment.

I’m not sure what to advise because your son needs to be the one to decide to get help. For as long as he’s blaming you for his problems, he thinks you’re the one who needs to change, not him. He’s basically telling you that, by saying you need to change or you’ll go to hell.

[Notwendy]

I understand your fear. It's around the 20's where schitzophrenia begins to appear in men. There can be paranoia and distorted thinking in BPD too but it's more extreme, with hallucinations, in schizophrenia. It's not possible to tell from a post but it came to mind with the intense religiosity and what he is saying and if this is a change in him, something to keep in mind.

I don't know if you can get him to be evaluated voluntarily but if he says he's going to harm someone, I think he can be involuntarily held if sent to the ER, if someone is a danger to themselves or others.

Unlike BPD, people with schitzophrenia are not able to "pull it together" in public. If held for a while, and evaluated, I think it would be more apparent than BPD.

This is not your fault. It's not anything you did or didn't do as a mother.

Keep this in mind if this continues.

[ForeverDad]

Jesus' teachings were the foundation for Christianity.  It is all about love and peace, putting hatred outside.  That your son should be focusing on hurtful concepts foreign to those precepts is concerning.  There is only one instance I recall from the Bible where a follower of Jesus did harm to another.  It was the impetuous Apostle Peter who came to the defense of Jesus on the night before his death.  Recorded in every Gospel (Matthew 26, Mark 14, Luke 22, John 18) only Luke records that Jesus "touched the ear and healed" the slave of the high priest.  So even that injury was immediately undone.  Jesus' entire ministry was totally devoted to positive and upbuilding qualities, vengeance was to be left fully in God's hands, not to Christians.

While nothing may come of this, still it would be wise to be alert in the future.  One of the observations often applied to threats of DV is this, "If it has been threatened or even just contemplated, it will happen, given enough time and opportunity."

I strongly believe your son should not own or even have access to firearms, whether legally or illegally, based on his recent ideations.

[Pook075]

Hi mom, I'm so glad you joined us here and welcome to the family!

My 26 year old BPD daughter went through a similar phase and was very open about people she'd like to harm.  Those thoughts are still with her today and some of her "connections" are very dangerous mentally ill people who have acted out on their frustrations in the past.

Like your child, my kid also believes in God and "tries" to follow the Bible.  She comes up short often (as we all do) and often does not behave like a Christian.  However, that doesn't mean that God is not active in her life or trying to guide her.  We all have free will to choose God or choose the world.

For your son, he's talking about faith and that's an excellent point to lean in.  When he asks if you're reading the Bible, share some of the gospel about love and forgiveness.  Heck, make it a weekly Bible study if you can, because it's something both of you can connect on.

One other point- I mentioned that we all "get it wrong" more often than not.  Jesus said that salvation is by grace alone, that none of us deserve it.  For that reason, he also talks about forgiving others...even when they don't deserve it.  Holding onto grudges separates us from God. 

A Christian that can't forgive is not in the image of Christ.  God alone gets to judge, not any of us, and it would be a great lesson for your kid to learn.  Do a Google search for, "Let he who hasn't sinned cast the first stone."  That would be an excellent place to start.

[Notwendy]

Although I see an interest in religion, still, be cautious about what he is saying about his beliefs.

An aspect of religion is a person's relationship with God. BPD and mental illness affects all relationships. Whatever is stated in the Bible is interpreted by the person reading it.

What I have seen people post on this board about a family member with BPD is that religion is perceived as "being on their side" - a sort of Karpman triangle dynamic where they are "right" and others are "wrong".

With schitzophrenia- the ideas are more bizarre -and may be how they are interpreting hallucinations- "God is telling them to hurt someone".

An interest in religion doesn't justify harmful behaviors- to themselves or to others. If your son seems focused on harming anyone, or his religious thinking seems bizarre- if at any time you feel anyone is in danger- intervene and call for medical assistance.

[zachira]

It is indeed scary how your son is behaving and it does sound like he may have schizophrenia or some other very serious mental health disorder that could cause him to harm himself and/or others. Where I live, it is possible to report a person for a needed immediate psych evaluation and there will be a mental health expert go  to the home of this person to see if an immediate psychiatric hospitalization is required.

[wannabeamomma]

First, I want to say how thankful I am for all of those who replied to my post.  I actually tried to delete it at first because I was afraid of how it would come across. 

Sancho, I do not live close to him anymore and since he went no contact for over a year, my only insight into his life was through his social media posts.  However, when we lived in the same area, I was well aware of his daily use of marijuana.  Not only that, he was actually getting steroids from a licensed M.D. for low testosterone. So I felt strongly that his misuse of these drugs contributed to his rages and anger associated with his bpd. My gut tells me that he still abusing these drugs.

His first therapist diagnosed him with bpd with narcissistic tendencies.  I think that was spot on after reading numerous books on bpd.  I know that diagnosis scared him so he stopped going to that therapist and subsequently saw a psychologist who diagnosed him with severe depression and PTSD.  I am quite confident that he was not totally forthcoming with the psychologist about his rages, fear of abandonment, suicidal thoughts, etc. so as to avoid another bpd diagnosis. I have no doubt that he does suffer from delusions, distorted thoughts and paranoia. I don't think he is schizophrenic because he has his own business that allows him to control his work hours and most times (as he has told me), he is able to put on his "mask" in order to appear normal. But he has admitted that he is struggling and feels completely alone.

I know very little else about his current medical treatment but when he finally reached out he angrily told me that his new therapist and psychiatrist had diagnosed him with ADHD. He was especially upset with me because I should have recognized it when he was a child and got him some help then. I read up on ADHD and I believe he probably once again did not share everything he is feeling with his therapist (he is extremely intelligent).  He never had any of the issues associated with ADHD other than impulsivity. They put him on Vyvance and Wellbutrin.  He subsequently told me that he was going to see his therapist on October 24 but he has not shared if he actually went or what happened.

However, he ended up texting me to apologize that he is so angry.  He admitted that he wrongly directed a lot of anger at me and shouldn't have done that.  He said he loved me and wished me well. He also invited me to share any scriptures with him that I thought might be helpful to him (and boy are there a lot of those).

His erratic behavior is baffling to me.  One minute his raging mad at me and the world (hence the threats to kill everyone) and the next minute he is extremely remorseful and kind.  I do not live close enough to him to go check on him.  I am reluctant to get others involved. His father (my ex, who my son hates as his father is the source of mental and physical abuse towards him) has anger issues and is in law enforcement and Lord knows what he would do.  And yes, I think that would mean the end to our fractured relationship. Since my only contact right now is via phone calls and text, I am not comfortable about trying to get any authorities involved (his threats to hurt others was during a phone call and not on any texts).  After all, what would they do if all I can tell them is about his angry phone call?

Again, thank you all for your thoughtful responses.  As always, it brings me hope and comfort hearing about your experiences and your insights.   

[CC43]

I was well aware of his daily use of marijuana.  Not only that, he was actually getting steroids from a licensed M.D. for low testosterone. So I felt strongly that his misuse of these drugs contributed to his rages and anger associated with his bpd. My gut tells me that he still abusing these drugs.

His first therapist diagnosed him with bpd with narcissistic tendencies.  I think that was spot on after reading numerous books on bpd.  I know that diagnosis scared him so he stopped going to that therapist and subsequently saw a psychologist who diagnosed him with severe depression and PTSD.  I am quite confident that he was not totally forthcoming with the psychologist about his rages, fear of abandonment, suicidal thoughts, etc. so as to avoid another bpd diagnosis. I have no doubt that he does suffer from delusions, distorted thoughts and paranoia.. . . But he has admitted that he is struggling and feels completely alone.

His erratic behavior is baffling to me.  One minute his raging mad at me and the world (hence the threats to kill everyone) and the next minute he is extremely remorseful and kind.  I do not live close enough to him to go check on him.  I am reluctant to get others involved.

Hi again,

I could have written the exact same words about my adult stepdaughter with BPD when she wasn't getting treated (except for the parts about steroid use and threats to kill everyone).  Others on these boards might disagree with me, but my firm belief is that daily marijuana use led to my stepdaughter having paranoid and delusional beliefs, as well as impaired executive function.  She herself would say she was "scatterbrained," and I felt that she lost a couple IQ points, because she seemed to get lost in conversations and didn't understand high school-level vocabulary.  My husband didn't think that using marijuana was a big deal, but I think he didn't realize that today's marijuana is around 10x more potent than it used to be.  Fortunately for my stepdaughter, when she finally took therapy seriously, her doctor said that marijuana use was making her feel worse, and she quit.

Like your son, my stepdaughter initially got a diagnosis of BPD with a touch of narcissistic traits from a highly reputable team of doctors.  Perhaps unsurprisingly, she disliked that diagnosis and disagreed with it.  Previously, doctors thought she might suffer from PTSD from unspecified trauma(s), anxiety and depression.  It's very possible that the PTSD was triggered by a series of raging altercations with everyone around her (family, roommates, friends) and the ensuing fractured relationships and fall-out.  That, combined with an unstable sense of self, led her into a deep depression.   Thus I think it's fairly common for BPD to present with anxiety, depression and substance abuse (including the self-medicating kind) as co-existing conditions.  The good news is that the right medications can take the edge off the anxiety and depression and help "stabilize" the patient, which is what happened with my stepdaughter.  She had a couple rounds of magnetic brain stimulation as well.

But in the case of my stepdaughter, I think there was more than just PTSD or depression--she expressed over-the-top, out-of-control hate and rage towards anyone close to her, and seemingly out of nowhere.  Later, she'd regret her outbursts and retreat in shame, isolation, avoidance and depression.  Sometimes she'd admit that she didn't mean anything she said.  When she didn't admit it, most of the time, it was clear to me that she was projecting her own ill thoughts onto others.  The pervasive negativity, volatile moods and unstable sense of self could be scary indeed.  Your word "erratic" fits perfectly; I might add "hysterical" and "delusional" as well, to capture the distorted thinking that seems to be behind the moods.  She could get so angry that she couldn't think straight or function very well on a day-to-day basis.

The other good news is that BPD is treatable, typically with DBT.  My understanding is that patients learn skills in mindfulness, distress tolerance, emotion regulation and communication--skills that could benefit just about anyone.  I don't think there should be any stigma in getting some extra support in navigating a rough patch in life and learning some coping skills.  Clearly people with BPD feel traumatized and distressed, and they could benefit from getting some help to cope.

I'm very happy to say that my stepdaughter got this sort of therapy and managed to turn her life around.  Though she still struggles, I'm pretty sure she wouldn't qualify for a BPD diagnosis anymore.  And while it's true that recently she faced a setback and wasn't talking to me and her dad for a while, she took what I call an "adult time out" for a few weeks until things calmed down.  She resumed contact with us this week.  I saw her today, and she actually smiled.  My point is, after some intensive therapy, the frequency, intensity and duration of her outbursts have diminished significantly, because her ability to cope with daily challenges has improved.  With that, her life looks much better, because she's not going "nuclear" the way she used to.  Best of all, because her life looks practically "normal," she's discovering who she is and where she fits in, and her identity seems to be more solid.