I truthfully do not know what to do.

[DenseFog]

I think I am making this post mostly because I need to let it all out, but I also have no idea what to do, I am having panic attacks and need some help.. (I will use them for gender to keep it more anonymous)

I had told my partner first and last time my partner removed all the ways for me to contact them, if they need time to themselves, you will have it, removing my ways of speaking to you is a no-go for me, that was a boundary for me, if that happened I would be DONE. They ruminated on it for quite some time and then accepted. 

A week, maybe 10 days ago: My partner suddenly went very quiet and said they needed time for themselves, I understood. (the likely cause was that I went to visit my family for the first time in months) After 5 days I was told some... hurtful things (not even remotely close to the level I normally hear about with this disorder), I was threatened and then I was just told, goodbye. It was cold, not a shred of emotion, full split I suppose.  Then one by one our ways to be in contact vanished. One was left open and I am sure all this sounds familiar.

The open channel, I thought of that for a while, seeing a constant reminder of my ex who I wanted to be with would break me. So I removed it. I then got a text today (forgot about texting as we have never done that) saying how sorry they are, that that message was not to get back together, that I didn't deserve any of the bad things that happened and then said sorry again, then farewell.

I blocked the number without replying (that was not what I wanted to do, that it what I was advised to do). Now maybe 24h later. I have gotten messages, pleading for me to talk to them on places I didn't think I could be contacted. I asked what they wanted to speak about and it was semi-hostile for a bit and I didn't answer, then the panic set in and i got flooded with messages. Asking me if we could stay connected on that platform, to calm them. Telling me that this thing (the break ups) will keep happening and said they managed 3 months since last time. Saying that they understood what they accepted last time. Sorry saying again, saying I don't deserve this. That it's not easy for them to imagine a future without me in it. That they were impressed with how I handled it, hoping they would be able to do the same one day. Then ending it with, if they could stay there a bit longer, they would appreciate it.

I told them that I was crying and I need to break off contact even though I didn't want to, I made sure they understood I was deeply hurt by it all, and that if this keeps happening the relationship will get worse and worse, then I blocked whilst they pleaded for me to not do it. And I cried nonstop since that.

Since that, I have been contacted 4 different places. Blocked all of them. Got some voicemails with crying, begging me to talk. Now they don't have a way to reach me anymore, except voicemails that I cannot stop.

All I genuinely want is to be with this person, so doing this is tearing me apart. I thought about why they have this to begin with and now I am doing it to them again. I have been crying nonstop for I don't know how long. I am worrying if they are safe. Online resources telling me to do this for myself, but I only want my person, I genuinely feel like I am being killed. I am scared they will just jump on to someone new. I don't know whether it's true that this can never work, I don't know if they even wants me now or simply doesn't want to be left. I don't know if the person is safe. All i want is to talk to them, yet what I read tells me not to. I am totally clueless and now I am surpressing all my instincts to do what is right, but I don't even know if it is right.

Please help   

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[kells76]

Hi DenseFog and welcome to the forums... glad you found us and were ready to share some of what you are going through. Your situation sounds excruciatingly painful and I'm sorry it is so difficult right now 

The advice you're getting online... Is that advice on how to reconnect with your partner? Or how to end the relationship?

As far as you can tell, do you want to reconnect in the relationship? (I think I was reading correctly that your partner initiated this latest breakup, please correct me if I misread that).

BPD relationships can often take unintuitive skills and tools, and can require us to have extra support, extra skills, extra sense of self, and extra emotional grounding. None of those are bad things -- they're great things! -- and, it can take some time and practice to get ourselves strong, stable, and skilled, in order to have a more effective, "less bad", more livable relationship.

So, let us know if reconnection is what you are thinking, and we can work with you. Of course, we do have other boards for if you are conflicted about the relationship, or if you are detaching and ending the relationship. All the boards have different focuses, so we just want to make sure you are on the one best suited to your goals.

Please feel free to post and share more, whenever you feel ready...

kells76