Do I stay or do I go?

[Green Penguin]

Today, like most days, I did something that made my husband split on me. Today it was that I didn’t walk the dog with him and that we had not been physically intimate. The list could go on and on. Quite frankly, I’m tired of fighting in my head and with him. He said some very harsh things yesterday and when he was done ranting, my thought was “I’m done”. The things he said made me see him differently. Everything is my fault. Now, I am not perfect and have an avoidant personality so I would keep things from him to keep the peace. I now realize that by doing so it is a form of abandonment. That never made sense to me until about a week ago. We have seen two therapist who never diagnosed him. It was my personal therapist who first said she thought he may have BPD. After her assessment it all made sense. The new therapist we are seeing hasn’t diagnosed him but she specializes in BPD. He has tried Ketamine with some success but it really takes it out of him physically. He vapes weed incessantly. Just trying to figure this all out and if
It’s worth staying. The guilt I feel over the issues I have caused and being one more person to abandon him is a little overwhelming. Yesterday the thought came to me that the pain of staying is more than the pain of losing him, my home, being alone, financially devastated, and starting over. I just see the little kid in him that needs protection. Any advice would be helpful.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[kells76]

Hey Green Penguin and

Glad you found the group; I know what it's like to be really needing advice and support when BPD might be in the mix.

How long have you and your H been together? Do you have any kids?

How long do his "rants" usually last? Do you typically stay there to listen to him "rant"?

It can be really helpful to have a T who is aware of BPD, regardless of whether the T "officially" diagnosed the person or not, because the core issue is behaviors, not necessarily a label. Is the T you guys are seeing a marriage/relationship therapist? Does your H seem to get along with the T (so far)?

These are not easy relationships so it's good that you're here, and that you have a personal therapist. Fill us in some more, whenever you get a chance--

kells76

[Green Penguin]

Thank you for responding! We have been together nearly 5 years and married for three this April. I have a 17 year old son and a 21 year old daughter from when I was married to their mom.

His rants last varying times. Some are short but some are long. I will typically stay for some until he makes me so mad or crosses a line. At that point he likes to throw in my face that I am an avoidant so “walking away is what you do”. I am an avoidant but I will not stay when I become angry or he begins to say things that are hurtful.

The therapist we are seeing does specialize in BPD, is certified in DBT, and is a marriage therapist. When I initially spoke with her, she was chosen because of her expertise, she said she felt he may have CPTSD. We have seen her twice and each time was worse than the first. She has briefly mentioned the BPD but nothing has been directly addressed concerning his BPD. Admittedly I have my own issues but I feel a lot of the issues we have in our marriage filter throw my husbands BPD. For example, when things get heavy I will walk away. Everything I have read says to not engage with BPD persons because it’s like arguing with a child, even though my husband is extremely intelligent. But then, as I said before, it’s thrown in my face that I’m an avoidant and walking away is what I do. It’s a hard balance.

He seems to get along with her and has actually shared more with her than our previous two therapist. Which, neither of them ever mentioned BPD even though they knew the behaviors. However, we both feel, and maybe we need to give it more time, that the therapist isn’t addressing things even though she has seen the vicious cycle of communication in regard to disagreements. We are wondering if a workbook or some sort of online classes may help. He tried Ketamine and we were so hopeful but it makes him feel physically drained the next day. He will occasionally take a very small dose when his head needs to stop spinning. He vapes THC daily to help his head as well. I know he will never be “healed” but wish so badly he could gain some relief somehow.

[ForeverDad]

It's possible that the reason your spouse hasn't been told about BPD is because many people with Borderline traits (pwBPD) are deep into Denial, Blaming and Blame Shifting.  The mention of a diagnostic label - by a therapist or by us - could trigger the other into rejecting further guidance, especially at an early stage.

Therefore, many therapists will provide what therapy they can without specifying the details or naming the process.  So it may be that his therapist does know what therapies would be helpful for him.  It seems the new therapist does echo that perspective.

Yes, we all have issues, so don't feel bad.  The issue here is that your spouse's issues are not at the same level as yours.  BPD is a disorder with many acting-out behaviors, with a tendency to also harm others.  On the other hand, your tendency as a reasonably normal person leans more toward avoiding conflict and looking for positive solutions if possible.

This reminds me of an old saying, sins of commission versus sins of omission.  I'm not suggesting we compare them but there is a difference between them.  The impact of your avoidance tendencies does not equate to the impact of his acting-out tendencies.  Do not feel that your reactions have caused his discord.  Many here came to recognize that BPD (similar to NPD, etc) resists sincere attempts to find relationship solutions.  It is not your fault.

[Pook075]

The guilt I feel over the issues I have caused and being one more person to abandon him is a little overwhelming. Yesterday the thought came to me that the pain of staying is more than the pain of losing him, my home, being alone, financially devastated, and starting over. I just see the little kid in him that needs protection. Any advice would be helpful.

Many here have felt the exact same way, myself included.

Those that have stayed and created a successful relationship did so through better communication.  Your husband's outbursts come from feeling "less than" and insecure.  He reads your body language and just knows that everything will fall apart, because it always does.  That's the crux of the mental illness, whether it's CPTSD or BPD (both have the same symptoms and treatments, btw, so labels aren't important here).

Your job is to reverse that course by making him feel loved and supported.  And I know that's hard to see right now, with the way you're being treated, as an actual solution.  Once he feels safe and validated though, a lot of the symptoms lessen or disappear...because they feel more mentally stable.  It's a hard path but definitely one you can conquer if you choose that route.

Nobody here can tell you to stay or go- the decision is your alone.  Just know that these is hope when taking either path...you can get through this and we'll have your back.

[Green Penguin]

I sincerely appreciate the responses I’ve received thus far. He has admitted he believes he has BPD which is why he sought the Ketamine treatments. And understand therapist may not say anything to someone for obvious reasons. Just feels odd it won’t be mentioned by the therapist if my husband says he has BPD and she is aware. Of course, at times he tells me he doesn’t think he had BPD and that I have just gaslit him our whole relationship.

It is interesting what you say about the BPD person being resistant to relationship solutions. Want to say I read that somewhere before and had forgotten. Need to see if it is I. One of the books I have read.

He feels he has been used this whole time because he makes a significant amount of money more than I make. He has repeatedly held that over my head, although he says he has not or has not intended to come across that way. But, he elevated my lifestyle and I can’t afford to pay half of what we pay each month. But, I don’t have to have the thing we have either. Ha! I was not raised in the lifestyle to which we have become accustomed. It’s nice but not necessary for me to love him. He goes between wanting to combine our money to separating everything mainly because of my two children. Which, he is the one who insisted we meet at a bank to close our joint account and me open a separate account. It wasn’t my decision. Everything I have read says to keep money separate with a BPD spouse. This is just one more saga in our relationship. Ha!