Newbie to site: uBPD mother & end of life stuff

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi folks. I'm so glad to know this space is here for support. Most people really don't understand and minimize what it's like to have a BPD parent. I've gotten some good support through the Family Connections program, but most of the participants were parents of kids with BPD, which is a different situation. I've only met two other people with a parent with BPD.

I learned last week that my uBPD mother has just been diagnosed with myelodysplastic syndrome (MDS). It's a bone marrow cancer with some scary statistics (average survival with her type of MDS & no treatment = 0.8 months). So we're moving into end of life stuff.

When my mother's parents were dying, she was at the hospital with them constantly. She expects the same of me. Since I don't have kids, she sees no reason why I shouldn't come be with her. I work, but she disparages my work (even though she raised me to be a feminist, smart, and hard working). I'm on my way to her place now to go with her and my father to the doctor to discuss prognosis and treatment.

I learned about the diagnosis about one week after a horrible phone call with my mother. She did what I call shredding: she completely shredded me. I haven't let her shred me in ars, but I was feeling guilty about not calling on her birthday (I sent a present and I called the day after). So she told me that I was incapable of love, profoundly angry at her, unfeeling, a great disappointment, etc., etc. She made up all sorts of stories about me that weren't true. She also said that our relationship went horribly wrong about twenty years ago (that was when I started to unmesh, set boundaries, and be my own person). She's terribly disappointed that I no longer merge with her. On the call, I tried using the validation skills I learned in the Family Connections program, but it's really hard to validate when someone is talking about what a horrible person you are. Plus, when I do validate, she attacks even harder, telling me that I'm professional and unloving.

After that call, I was the worst wreck I've been in years. Beating myself up, thinking about cutting, dying, etc. But now that she's diagnosed, she wants me there. I've told her that this visit needs to be about her health, treatment, and support. I've said that I don't want to talk about how disappointing I am to her and instead focus on her. I have no idea how it's going to go. But I've given myself permission to leave early if it all goes bad.

So here's what I'd love to hear from others:

- How have you dealt with end of life stuff with a BPD parent?
- If you've had disappointment / sorrow at the realization that there won't be time to reconcile / heal with a BPD parent, how have you dealt with that?

I'd love any advice or stories you have to share. Thanks. 

[DaughterOf]

Hi folks. I'm so glad to know this space is here for support. Most people really don't understand and minimize what it's like to have a BPD parent. I've gotten some good support through the Family Connections program, but most of the participants were parents of kids with BPD, which is a different situation. I've only met two other people with a parent with BPD.

I learned last week that my uBPD mother has just been diagnosed with myelodysplastic syndrome (MDS). It's a bone marrow cancer with some scary statistics (average survival with her type of MDS & no treatment = 0.8 months). So we're moving into end of life stuff.

When my mother's parents were dying, she was at the hospital with them constantly. She expects the same of me. Since I don't have kids, she sees no reason why I shouldn't come be with her. I work, but she disparages my work (even though she raised me to be a feminist, smart, and hard working). I'm on my way to her place now to go with her and my father to the doctor to discuss prognosis and treatment.

I learned about the diagnosis about one week after a horrible phone call with my mother. She did what I call shredding: she completely shredded me. I haven't let her shred me in ars, but I was feeling guilty about not calling on her birthday (I sent a present and I called the day after). So she told me that I was incapable of love, profoundly angry at her, unfeeling, a great disappointment, etc., etc. She made up all sorts of stories about me that weren't true. She also said that our relationship went horribly wrong about twenty years ago (that was when I started to unmesh, set boundaries, and be my own person). She's terribly disappointed that I no longer merge with her. On the call, I tried using the validation skills I learned in the Family Connections program, but it's really hard to validate when someone is talking about what a horrible person you are. Plus, when I do validate, she attacks even harder, telling me that I'm professional and unloving.

After that call, I was the worst wreck I've been in years. Beating myself up, thinking about cutting, dying, etc. But now that she's diagnosed, she wants me there. I've told her that this visit needs to be about her health, treatment, and support. I've said that I don't want to talk about how disappointing I am to her and instead focus on her. I have no idea how it's going to go. But I've given myself permission to leave early if it all goes bad.

So here's what I'd love to hear from others:

- How have you dealt with end of life stuff with a BPD parent?
- If you've had disappointment / sorrow at the realization that there won't be time to reconcile / heal with a BPD parent, how have you dealt with that?

I'd love any advice or stories you have to share. Thanks. 

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome DaughterOf:   
I'm sorry that your mom is ill and about your relationship with her.   Both of my parents recently passed.  We all have a little different situation, but what we have in common is having to deal with a relative with some level of BPD or BPD traits (generally parents and/or siblings).  It makes a tough time a lot harder.

When my mother's parents were dying, she was at the hospital with them constantly. She expects the same of me. Since I don't have kids, she sees no reason why I shouldn't come be with her. I work, but she disparages my work (even though she raised me to be a feminist, smart, and hard working).       

You will probably never be able to meet her expectations.  You have to decide what is possible for you.  You have to work to earn a living, and you have to take care of your mental health as well.  You will need to find a routine that works for you, not one driven by guilt or someone's unrealistic expectations.

   I tried using the validation skills I learned in the Family Connections program, but it's really hard to validate when someone is talking about what a horrible person you are. Plus, when I do validate, she attacks even harder, telling me that I'm professional and unloving.     

Sometimes, it can be better to NOT INVALIDATE.  Then, there are LEVELS OF VALIDATION

After that call, I was the worst wreck I've been in years. Beating myself up, thinking about cutting, dying, etc. But now that she's diagnosed, she wants me there. I've told her that this visit needs to be about her health, treatment, and support. I've said that I don't want to talk about how disappointing I am to her and instead focus on her. I have no idea how it's going to go. But I've given myself permission to leave early if it all goes bad       

How is your relationship with your father?  Do you have other family members or friends to support you during this difficult period?

You need to take care of yourself.  Do you have a history of cutting?  Are you thinking of death in general, or about your own death?

It can be a good time to get some therapy, while you are going through this.  My parents passed within a 6 month period.  In hindsight, I would have been better for me if I started with some therapy earlier than I did.  My father had BPD traits, but my biggest problem was interacting with my uBPD sister on a daily basis.

You may have to be consistent with setting some boundaries and using some "I" statements: i.e.  "It's important to me that we have a mutually respectful conversation.  I can see you are having a bad day, and it's not possible right now.  I'll let you go now and we can talk another time"  (if you are at her home, you might step away for a period of time, or go home)

The harsh reality for most is that the person with BPD won't likely change because death is near.  If they didn't try to work through their BPD behaviors earlier in life, it's not going to happen now.  We need to  RADICAL ACCEPT the fact that there won't likely be a mutual reconciliation prior to their death.

Let us know how things went with your next interaction.


 

[P.F.Change]

Hi, there, DaughterOf.

I haven't come yet to the place you're in, so I don't have all the practical answers for you. Others here will be better equipped for some of your specific questions about coping with end-of-life and a lack of reconciliation. I do think about this issue quite a bit. I have limited contact with my father, but haven't seen or spoken to my mother in about 6 years. Neither of them has ever taken very good care of their health, so I am always aware that there is not a lot of earthly time left and that there will be issues coming up for me that I can't anticipate when that time comes.

My impression on reading your post is that this must be an incredibly scary time for your mother. People with BPD aren't very well equipped to manage their own emotions, so it's not surprising that your mother would expect you to be around to do that for her. I think it's definitely okay (and even essential) for you to take care of yourself and your own boundaries first--your idea of supporting and loving your mother can be different from what she thinks it should be.

My mental plan for my own situation is that if I ever decide to visit my mother when she is in a situation like yours is, I will not be alone with her. I will take a friend for support, or talk with the nurses or doctors ahead of time and have someone there as a witness when I go in. That is for my own sake so that I will feel supported when she says things that will be difficult for me. I think it's good that you've already decided it's okay to leave if things get too hurtful.

Do you have a therapist you can be talking with during this time, especially about your impulse to self-harm? Has cutting helped you cope in the past? Are suicidal thoughts a new struggle?

  Wishing you peace,

PF

[DaughterOf]

Hi NN! Thanks for the response. I had written out an entire reply then poof! It was gone and I arrived at my parents' house where I didn't dare get on the bpdfamily site.

Thank you for your wise words. What you wrote makes so much sense, yet it's so hard to do. My head knows that I can never meet her expectations. My heart still wants to please her and make her happy. Crazy.

Thankfully, I have a 21-year relationship with a wonderful partner to support me. My brother and father have read the Walking on Eggshells book, which gives us all a common vocabulary for talking about and understanding her. My father has to live with her, so he minimizes a lot. My brother, however, is great and really good to talk with about all this stuff. I'm also grateful to have a therapist who's familiar with my history.

To be clear: I'm not in terrible trouble or at risk of doing something awful. So please don't worry! I'm trying to honest about the situation. 

I watched a validation video yesterday, which was a great reminder that validation doesn't work when a person is in a full-blown rage. They're too disregulated to hear everything. My mistake was that, because I was feeling guilty, I stayed on the phone and let her shred me. I tried validation which was, of course, completely useless. I need to remember to get off the phone / leave the house when she's like that. Let her cool down. And then come back.

The harsh reality for most is that the person with BPD won't likely change because death is near.  If they didn't try to work through their BPD behaviors earlier in life, it's not going to happen now.  We need to  RADICAL ACCEPT the fact that there won't likely be a mutual reconciliation prior to their death.

You're completely right. And I need to work on accepting this. My dream is that my mother and I will be able to have some moment of reconciliation / reconciliation / happiness together. I have to work on letting go of that dream and accepting the current reality. Radical acceptance, here I come (maybe).

[DaughterOf]

Hi PFChange.  Thanks for responding to my post.

My mental plan for my own situation is that if I ever decide to visit my mother when she is in a situation like yours is, I will not be alone with her. I will take a friend for support, or talk with the nurses or doctors ahead of time and have someone there as a witness when I go in. That is for my own sake so that I will feel supported when she says things that will be difficult for me. I think it's good that you've already decided it's okay to leave if things get too hurtful.

I really like your idea about having a witness / friend for support. It's so easy (at least for me) to get drawn into the crazy, into the the intense and beautifully articulated opinion that I'm a horrible human being, that having another point of view / sanity check would be really helpful. Also, my mother is much better behaved when there's someone outside of the family present (she saves her destruction for those she loves; lucky us). Does your mother do that also?

My impression on reading your post is that this must be an incredibly scary time for your mother. People with BPD aren't very well equipped to manage their own emotions, so it's not surprising that your mother would expect you to be around to do that for her.

I think you're right that this is a very scary time for my mother. Of course, how she deals with fear is to lash out, push people away, and destroy. It's such a difficult pattern. If she would be just a little more regulated, it'd be so much easier to support her and be there for her... .which is what I'd really like to do!

I think it's definitely okay (and even essential) for you to take care of yourself and your own boundaries first--your idea of supporting and loving your mother can be different from what she thinks it should be.

Do you have a therapist you can be talking with during this time, especially about your impulse to self-harm? Has cutting helped you cope in the past? Are suicidal thoughts a new struggle?

Yes, I have a therapist. And a great spouse. And a supportive brother. I'm not going to do harm in reality. I just think about it a lot after getting shredded by my mother. I'm trying not to be ashamed of those thoughts and be open about them, which is why I wrote them here. It's part of my ongoing quest to really accept the impact of being a Daughter of BPD, not so I blame and shame my mother, but so I understand that this is simply part and parcel of the experience and NOT an innate part of who I am.

Peace to you too. 

[P.F.Change]

Also, my mother is much better behaved when there's someone outside of the family present (she saves her destruction for those she loves; lucky us). Does your mother do that also?

Yes, definitely. It's important to her that other people see her as together and polite. It's always better when there are people around and she's going through the social motions of smiling and acting nice. She can change in the blink of an eye when they have left the room.

If she would be just a little more regulated, it'd be so much easier to support her and be there for her... .which is what I'd really like to do!

Haha, yes, if only! That's one of the sad things about this disorder. The things someone does trying to cope with such intense emotions can be so hurtful that others must keep their distance, which is the opposite of what is really wanted and makes those feelings of isolation and shame even worse. It's hard for everyone.

It's really good that you are feeling so much support, and it's also a positive step that you're being honest about the impulses you feel. They are common here--we understand. Sometimes you don't know when they'll come up, and it's good to be able to ask loved ones (and internet support groups   ) for help. There have been some times in my life I have felt so unsettled that I have resorted to cutting or purging. You're right that you don't need to feel ashamed, just acknowledge you are trying to help yourself cope. By reaching out, you can find other ways to deal with the underlying feelings that also let you care for yourself physically and emotionally. Thanks for being honest here.

I'm glad the video on validation was helpful to you. That's a good point about waiting until the mood is calmer to try to say anything. I remember seeing some research a few years ago about toddlers throwing tantrums. The finding was that they are just going to scream no matter what you say or how much you try reasoning with them, so the advice is to leave them alone until they're done and then talk about the feelings and the behavior. As a parent it rang true. As the child of a person with BPD, I think it applies there, too. We lose our ability to reason and listen when our brain is focused on primal rage. 

Are you still at your parents'? How is that going?

[DaughterOf]

Are you still at your parents'? How is that going?

Hi P.F.Change.   Thanks for checking in. I'm back home now after a fairly calm visit to my parents' house. The prognosis isn't good, but we're all trying to stay positive. The doctor was great about telling my mother that her job is to manage her anxiety and stay active -- a great message.

I talked with my mother on the phone yesterday and it went fine. I have to remind myself, though, that she has BPD. I occasionally get lured into thinking that she's healed when we have a good conversation or two. Then she erupts and I'm heartbroken (and shredded). My new goal is to remember, even when she's acting sane, that she has BPD and that won't change.

How are you doing?

[P.F.Change]

You're right, that's a good message from your mother's doctor. I also think your stratgegy will be helpful for you, to remember that your mother is who she is and not who you wish she would be. There will be times when she's managing fairly well, and you can enjoy those without changing your expectations about her capabilities.

I am doing fairly well, thanks. I still have "stuff" come up from time to time, but most days I am pretty happy. Last week I had some unexpected emotional flashbacks, but I was able to recognize it and take care of myself. This week back to normal pretty much. 

[DaughterOf]

I am doing fairly well, thanks. I still have "stuff" come up from time to time, but most days I am pretty happy. Last week I had some unexpected emotional flashbacks, but I was able to recognize it and take care of myself. This week back to normal pretty much. 

Hooray for recognizing the flashbacks and taking care of yourself! 

Years ago, I realized that the healing work is never done. It's the "peeling of the onion" phenomena: heal one piece, then another surfaces that you didn't even know was there. I'm glad you're healing yourself as needed and finding happiness amidst the journey.

I've been trying to do the same. I had some pretty severe depression over the past few days. My backlog of emails made me want to cry, I couldn't get any work done, and the little decisions (what should I have for dinner) seemed overwhelming. I got myself into acupuncture and therapy and now I'm feeling much better. I can feel the depression lurking in the background, so I'm seeing the doctor about raising my anti-depressant dose (I'm on a pretty low dose right now). But, all in all, I was able to recognize what was going on and take steps to minimize the depression. So, progress.

And, in more good news, it's going to be in the 60s, sunny, and beautiful today where I live. A little outdoor therapy / walking the dog might be in order!

I hope you're finding some time to appreciate the little things today too. Take care of yourself.