She just doesn't go away

[Me88]

So, I left work early yesterday feeling really sick. I'm part of a strategic planning meeting and my ex is not. Somehow she talked her way into being involved. She is now on it apparently and was very involved, talkative and 'bubbly' according to coworkers. This upsets me a lot. Yes, I'm still healing 11 months after everything blew up horribly. I was told we wouldn't have to work around each other and now see that's not the case. I don't accept that and feel a combination of anxiety, anger and just feel overwhelmed. I hate how weak I feel. I'm in therapy again because I want this process to move quicker. I've never felt this way after any previous relationship.

They simply don't understand I do not want any interactions at all with someone who's physically assaulted me, destroyed my property, stolen things from me when she moved out, and tried to have me arrested. There is no professional NEED for me to interact with her. I will not be attending these meetings anymore regardless of the repercussions. I can add to it from the outside. I don't want to hear her voice, nothing. I just feel beat up. It's like I have no ability to leave her in my past.

[Me88]

At that, she shouldn't want to be anywhere near me either. I'm: controlling, a gaslighter, abusive, insecure, etc.

Why be comfortable anywhere near my orbit? I just don't understand.

[Pook075]

I'm so sorry.  Truthfully, you should be searching for another job since this isn't going to go away.  In some ways it keeps everything fresh because she's using her position to get to you however she can.

I'd have another conversation with HR and tell them about the physical & mental abuse.  If you put it in writing and they do nothing about it, then it's a potential hostile work environment lawsuit down the road.  Once it's in writing it doesn't go away and HR knows it's serious at that point.  If you were to go that route, mention in writing the first few instances of asking to be separated from her and who you talked to.  Then state your current grievance.

I don't see how you stay there and move on at the same time.  It's so tough and unfair.

[Me88]

I'm actively searching and now that the government is open I look all the time. I have some very good contacts at a neighboring research facility looking out for me. I think there's a few positions in the pipeline. It would be a lateral move, but I'll take that for peace.

It absolutely keeps everything fresh in some ways. I'm absolutely much better than I was initially, but it just doesn't actually disappear. What I don't like is nothing has really changed for me; live in the same home we shared, I have our same pets, same bed, same job...nothing changed other than I'm single, yet have to worry about daily run ins with the bpd one.

I struggle a lot to move on while being here, very tough.

Part of me is quite annoyed as well, in that I'm lined up for a section chief position here once my boss retires within a year. But....in that position I'd be required to interact with my exes boss frequently, probably my ex, and be forced to attend meetings with her. I just can't do that. I still get anxiety when she comes by, or emails my offices group email. I've never had a 'trauma' response to anything in my life like this. So annoyed with how this has affected me.

[Pook075]

I'm actively searching and now that the government is open I look all the time. I have some very good contacts at a neighboring research facility looking out for me. I think there's a few positions in the pipeline. It would be a lateral move, but I'll take that for peace.

It absolutely keeps everything fresh in some ways. I'm absolutely much better than I was initially, but it just doesn't actually disappear. What I don't like is nothing has really changed for me; live in the same home we shared, I have our same pets, same bed, same job...nothing changed other than I'm single, yet have to worry about daily run ins with the bpd one.

I struggle a lot to move on while being here, very tough.

Part of me is quite annoyed as well, in that I'm lined up for a section chief position here once my boss retires within a year. But....in that position I'd be required to interact with my exes boss frequently, probably my ex, and be forced to attend meetings with her. I just can't do that. I still get anxiety when she comes by, or emails my offices group email. I've never had a 'trauma' response to anything in my life like this. So annoyed with how this has affected me.

When is the last time you've spoken to her directly?  Maybe the way forward is finding the middle ground where you can co-exist in the workplace.  I know that you absolutely don't want to do that, but I didn't realize you were up for a big promotion either.  If you could wait until your boss retires, run the department for a year or two, then transfer out, you'd be in much better shape.

If you go sooner though, it's not a lateral transfer...it simply is a better fit for your life.  People switch jobs due to the commute, due to hybrid work policies, etc.  There's no shame in that if it's what you decide.

[Me88]

I truly have not spoken to her once since it ended 11 months ago. I made sure to block and delete every access point. I can't at work. She just orbits me though. I don't think she'd reach out...yet or maybe ever. After her telling everyone I hit her and all sorts of other lies, then calling the police on me, she'd look absolutely foolish if she ever wanted to reconnect.

Yeah my boss is checking out. She's had some really bad family emergencies and is almost 70. She has taken extended leave this year, a month at a time here and there and leaves me in charge of the service. I am a second line supervisor right now and her job would be nice and the pay would be great...but I just cannot be around my ex. I feel so betrayed, so belittled, so broken by that whole situation. It was truly hell, as we all know. And that woman does not deserve to see me, look me in my eyes, or share air with me ever again.

[Pook075]

I truly have not spoken to her once since it ended 11 months ago. I made sure to block and delete every access point. I can't at work. She just orbits me though. I don't think she'd reach out...yet or maybe ever. After her telling everyone I hit her and all sorts of other lies, then calling the police on me, she'd look absolutely foolish if she ever wanted to reconnect.

Yeah my boss is checking out. She's had some really bad family emergencies and is almost 70. She has taken extended leave this year, a month at a time here and there and leaves me in charge of the service. I am a second line supervisor right now and her job would be nice and the pay would be great...but I just cannot be around my ex. I feel so betrayed, so belittled, so broken by that whole situation. It was truly hell, as we all know. And that woman does not deserve to see me, look me in my eyes, or share air with me ever again.

Darn, I'm so sorry and I do understand.  But hating her that much allows her to hold power over you as well- would you really turn down a fantastic career opportunity to avoid being in the same room as her?  It's just not fair to you at all.

My ex also said many hurtful and off the wall things about me...mainly to cover up her affair and make me the bad guy.  I temporarily lost several relationships because of it, but the ones that mattered worked out because those people know me and my character speaks for itself.  Sometimes that has to be enough.

I wish you luck with whatever you decide, and I hope that you'll eventually be able to talk to her.  Not to accuse or apologize, but to take that power away from her and to let her see that she truly doesn't matter anymore.  That would honestly hurt her more than anything and she'd probably be the one quitting....all from you being direct, professional, and indifferent.

[Me88]

I don't even hate her to be honest. That's the part that bugs me. I sadly would have stayed with her and probably married her if she didn't call the police on me. That was just too much. I always imagined we could work through the chaos.

Sadly, my current mindset is yes, I would turn a job down. I don't know how to explain how gutted I feel or anxious I am when she's around. I've never had this reaction to another person or ex. I do know that there will be other opportunities for an increased GS level position. It'll just take time since the government is weird right now. And the worst part is, if my boss just retires suddenly, I'll be detailed into her position no matter what since I'm her backup.

I think I'm just angry still as well. I tried so dam hard. I gave every ounce of myself into that. I put up with the verbal abuse, insults, physical abuse, lies, police involvement. I was all in more than I ever have been. Only to just be treated so badly, all the while the rest of the world believes the exact opposite. Just the screenshotted texts, her recording me, and everything with no context. Her fake instant tears when she pulled her phone out, making me look awful.

I really don't want to talk to her. I just don't understand how you can treat someone like that you know? Someone you want to marry and live with. I was getting arrested if I didn't leave that night and I can't forgive that for some reason. I won't be mean to her, attack her in any ways, nothing. I just want her gone from my life in all ways.

The work dynamic is the worst part. Everyone thinking she's some innocent little blonde victim to the abusive man. And now her talking herself into my meetings. I just don't get it.