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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: Accepting my part in all of this  (Read 715 times)
Freida

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
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« on: February 12, 2017, 03:40:02 PM »

I am new to all of this so please forgive me if I am asking questions that have been covered time after time. I came to this forum because I couldn't understand what was happening with my partner. After reading many posts, readings etc, I am begining to accept my part in all of this. I saw him as an exciting person, funny and charming. The tantrums began and I felt lost, verbal abuse and I felt sorry for him and redoubled my efforts to make things better. I now accept that I could and should have left a long time ago but didn't. I honestly have doubted my own sanity as I have become a shadow of the person I once was. I often stay in bed sleeping just to avoid thinking about it all. Since being on here I feel like I've woken up. There must be something wrong with me to have ignored/accepted all the red flags that told me this wasn't 'normal'. If he sought help then I'd stay but that's not going to happen. Has anyone here accepted that they attracted their BPD partner due to some flaw in themselves? Does knowing this help you later on? I feel so damaged that I don't think I will ever be well enough to have any chance of normalacy in the future. Has anyone else felt like this and what happened? I spent 3 years on my own before meeting BPDbf and thought I'd spot the signs of a dysfunctional relationship but apparently not. What is life like on the other side and has anyone had a happy relationship?
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Aesir
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« Reply #1 on: February 12, 2017, 03:50:40 PM »

I  feel the exact same way that you do and I did the same thing with my ex. I believe that the reason that I tolerated and tried to fix things is because of my own low self esteem and  the thought that it was better to put up with her than be alone. She has a lot of potential but how she used it I finally realized was not up to me. We seemed to have a lot in common at first but I'm not even sure that was real now. She could have been copying me.

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Wood stock
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« Reply #2 on: February 12, 2017, 04:02:29 PM »

You stated so beautifully EXACTLY what happened with me. Even the part about three years!

I have always considered myself to be a smart and strong woman. But when my exBPDbf chased me down and swooped me off my feet... .well, I was weak. My previous boyfriend had committed suicide. I was broken. I felt that no one could or would ever love me again. And looking back, THAT is why I compromised my values so much and how I ended up in such an abusive, heartbreaking relationship with my BPD.

After three years, I found myself again and woke up. It has been just under a year, and I am still sad and disappointed about what could have been. But I know that it was the best thing for me and my kids. But finding the peace in letting go takes time (they say three months of mourning for every year of the relationship is a good gauge).

So to answer your question: yes, I was weak. And he KNEW my backstory when he asked my aunt for my phone number and pursued me! And that is exactly why he did it--because he knew I was weak. And I was. I took the bait. Shame on me. But oh well. I figured it out. And he lost me because he was an abuser and took me for granted. Shame on him.

Hang in there. Learn from this. Learn about yourself along the way. This website is excellent for that. You will come out okay on the other side of this. But it will take some time. Hugs.
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glaciercats
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« Reply #3 on: February 12, 2017, 04:15:44 PM »

I think it's the excitement that keeps us hanging on. It's like they wake us up in a way no one ever has. It's such a rush when it's good.

I spend a lot of time in bed too. Especially since she meet my current replacement. I have been recycled many times now. And all the other times I have won her back. But this time I have no fight left. Because I know it will always be this way. If I'm not giving her what she feels she needs then there is someone else who will for awhile. I can't be with someone anymore who has no sense of loyalty. I can't worry all the time about messing up and her going to someone else's arms. Nothing feels real anymore. It feels like I've been part of a big game the last 4 years.

She won't respond if I ask her adult questions or if I point out what's being done. She only wants to talk about feelings and never about real life. I know right now she is in a honeymoon stage with the current replacement. And I'm sure they think they are really saving her. But it's only a matter of time before it comes to a head. It will always be this way I'm afraid. It just depends on how much the other person can tolerate.

Honestly I don't know if I'm ever going to feel okay again. It's like my zest for life has been taken away.

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vortex of confusion
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« Reply #4 on: February 12, 2017, 04:19:27 PM »

I don't know that there is necessarily something wrong with you. At least that is what I tell myself.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

The reason that I say that is because most people don't behave in those ways. I tend to be pretty trusting and I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt most of the time. As a result, it was rather easy for ex to talk his way out of things with me. I do tend to be pretty positive and I have a difficult time believing that people can be that mean/malicious/clueless. A lot of it was naivete.

I also realize that part of the reason that I fell for ex is because his dysfunction was very different than the dysfunction that I grew up with. I can probably spot dysfunction that mimics that of my family of origin rather quickly. Ex's type of dysfunction was totally different and much more difficult to spot.

The other thing that makes it so difficult to spot is the fact that a lot of people won't show that side when they are getting you hooked in. There are things about ex that I didn't know until well after we were married. Heck, after 15 years of marriage, he told me he was bisexual. Why couldn't he have told me that early on? There were a lot of things that ex hid or didn't share due to his own shame. I really do think that he tried to hide the parts of himself that he didn't like.

I keep wondering how to spot things that are red flags in hindsight but at the time they could be attributed to other things. Looking back, I can see red flags. At the time, that stuff seemed kind of normal or there was a circumstance that made it all seem plausible.

I am editing to add a comment about my normal meter. I don't remember which member said it but I recall reading a great post about having a distorted view of what is "normal". A lot of my journey has been trying to read and pay attention to get a better idea of what is truly unacceptable and what to do in those situations.
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« Reply #5 on: February 12, 2017, 04:23:45 PM »

hi Freida,

i think that this revelation tends to be a real turning point in our healing and recovery.

There must be something wrong with me

... .

Has anyone here accepted that they attracted their BPD partner due to some flaw in themselves?

i want to encourage you to be gentle with yourself as you process all of this. i see it less as "a flaw" in ourselves, and more as "we all have room for improvement", and this is an opportunity to see it, and grow. freedom, the final stage of detaching. a member recently compared it to taking golf lessons and being told you need to work on your back swing. its a good analogy. one neednt beat themselves up for what they didnt know.


Does knowing this help you later on?

immensely. i find that those who can examine themselves critically, but gently, and use it as a catalyst for change, go on to thrive.

personally i have gone on to improve my relationships of all kinds. to cope better with the stresses and hard times in life and with people. to be more self aware of my own potentially dysfunctional behaviors. i feel mentally lighter. i feel more confident in myself, and as a result, i actually feel safer in a world that is full of challenging personalities.

the self awareness board, in conjunction with a therapist, is a great place to explore these things, and ourselves. you can find it here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=27.0
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
Freida

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« Reply #6 on: February 12, 2017, 05:46:00 PM »

Thank-you all for your replies   They have made me feel less of an idiot and more of a 'room for improvement' person. I can see a lot of myself in your replies and although I'd had counselling for childhood trauma, I am shocked that it wasn't enough to make me realise who he is. I think understanding that he is ill brings out the caretaker in me. My self-esteem was also low so you can imagine how low it is now. Lying in bed won't help me so I'd better get up, get dressed and do something that will help my own mental health. Did anyone think that they might be going mad as their significant other turned everthing around onto you? I am also heartened to know that there may be light at the end of this very dark tunnel and that we are all in this together even if we're in different stages of growth.
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foggydew
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« Reply #7 on: February 12, 2017, 06:01:38 PM »

Freida - you saw him as an exciting person, funny and charming. You wanted to experience excitement and charm, experience something else in life. How can that be a flaw? To want to have rushes of feeling, experience new and different things... isn't that something positive? I can't think of this as negative, and even wanting to stick it out and make things better is a positive characteristic. Letting it affect your self esteem is the problem, staying too long is the problem... so I think you really have to see yourself as a person who wants to get the most out of life but had some bad luck on the way.
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glaciercats
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« Reply #8 on: February 12, 2017, 06:29:43 PM »

I definitely understand how you feel like you are going mad. I felt the same way. Everything was twisted so badly until I didn't even know what I really said.

I am having a very hard time today. But I am going to start seeing a therapist next week. I just can't go on feeling this way. I know she isn't feeling this for me. So why do I hurt so badly?
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Freida

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« Reply #9 on: February 12, 2017, 07:05:59 PM »

I definitely understand how you feel like you are going mad. I felt the same way. Everything was twisted so badly until I didn't even know what I really said.

I can relate to this as everything that I said got twisted until I started being very careful in what I said. Even that doesn't work as he will take anything as a negative. I even took the BPD test myself as I thought I had it (I don't) but looking back I knew something was wrong. Hindsight is a wonderful thing.
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glaciercats
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« Reply #10 on: February 12, 2017, 07:32:20 PM »

And they tell so many lies. Even when you know the truth and call them out they still won't admit it.  No wonder we feel so crazy and disoriented.
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glaciercats
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« Reply #11 on: February 12, 2017, 07:34:13 PM »

.
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Freida

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« Reply #12 on: February 13, 2017, 12:55:00 AM »

Oh yes, glaciercats the lies and twisting of truth made me feel as though I were losing the plot. Thank goodness I can stand back from that at the moment.
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Freida

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« Reply #13 on: February 13, 2017, 12:57:30 AM »

Wood stock, I wanted to PM you but don't know how Smiling (click to insert in post)
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vortex of confusion
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« Reply #14 on: February 13, 2017, 10:55:27 AM »

My self-esteem was also low so you can imagine how low it is now.

Low self-esteem definitely makes one an easy target. Somebody once told me that I had low self-esteem and ex had no self-esteem. I feel like he had to take his self worth from those closest to him (me). As a result, it drained me and I found myself in a very weird place.

Excerpt
Did anyone think that they might be going mad as their significant other turned everthing around onto you?

I absolutely felt like I was going mad at times. When I found this forum a couple of years ago, I was pretty convinced that I was the one that was likely BPD. I didn't know which way was up. I think the difference between me and ex is that I could see that things were totally messed up. I could see that I was reacting in ways that were not cool. I was behaving in ways that were completely against my values and ideals. I felt like I was fighting for my sanity. Ex would look at me like I was crazy and didn't know what I was talking about. I had become so isolated that I believed him. It wasn't until I got out of isolation and started opening up and talking to other people that I realized how screwy things had gotten.
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balletomane
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« Reply #15 on: February 16, 2017, 04:31:44 PM »

It sounds as though your relationship was similar to my own. My ex would lash out at me viciously and accuse me of abusing him. He would tell me that I was just like all the other people who'd hurt him, only worse, because I'd pretended to be different. Once he told me I was the worst abuser he'd ever met, and that the only reason no one else knows my true nature is that I put on an act for the world and let it down when I meet my victim - i.e. him. It sounds ludicrous to me now, but at the time I was paralysed by horror and misery that I loved this man so much and was making him feel so bad, letting him down so badly. Sometimes I did wonder if I was this awful monster-person, but most of the time I reasoned that it was his illness talking... .and I blamed myself for not being supportive enough to stop the outbursts. I beat myself up mentally for not being able to love him better.

Once I realised I'd been doing this, after a few months with no contact, I was able to understand how I'd got into that relationship in the first place. I wanted to be his rescuer. When he told me at the beginning that I was completely different from everyone before me and that I'd saved his life and changed his life, I wanted to believe it. It made me feel good. Because of that, it was very easy for him to make me feel responsible when things went wrong. I also had trouble saying 'no' to people - for example, if someone asked me for a favour, I'd do it even if it was very inconvenient to me and I would have preferred to say no. Combined with my desire to play the superhero, this was dangerous, as it meant I couldn't set limits around my ex. And he knew it. I used to make a thousand excuses for his behaviour, but now I look back on it and see that parts of it were very calculated.

For me, healing has involved learning the difference between being helpful and trying to solve other people's problems for them. I've had to learn where the boundary between my responsibilities and theirs truly lies. This has helped me with the second important thing: learning to assert myself when I don't want to do something. It doesn't make me a horrible person if I can't say yes to everything anyone asks of me. To make these changes in how I think and act, I had to be firm with myself, but without self-blame - I'd just spent two years beating myself up around my ex, after all, and that had got me into this hellhole. So I began by recognising my good qualities and inspirations (like wanting to be kind to people), and saying to myself, "It's good that you want to be kind, but having so few boundaries and never saying no doesn't make you kind, it means you're scared. What will change that?" Try identifying what you value in yourself, and use those things to challenge your weaknesses.
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lovenature
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« Reply #16 on: February 16, 2017, 10:11:31 PM »

Keep reading and learning Frieda, there are reasons we accepted what we did and stayed as long as we did in an unhealthy relationship. It can be very painful to dig into our pasts, but learning why we sacrificed ourselves for another is the path to healing and a better way of life through fixing what we need to with ourselves.
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